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Reviews for Offering

By : bitterfig
  • From YuFu on December 31, 2007
    -sigh-...really sad, this anime, but if i remember correctly, tsubaru didn't go blind until 'after' he met seishiro again. eh o well. nice job on the story, angst could use a bit of work tho.
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  • From ANON - Alfa on November 08, 2006
    Subaru shuttered to hear the man’s voice again, to feel his touch, to be so near.

    Shouldn't this be Subaru shuddered?

    Anyway... nice idea... why don't you try to develop it a bit?
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  • From ANON - Vic on November 05, 2006
    Continue this please?
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  • From ANON - Meg on November 04, 2006
    Nice. Write more?
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  • From ANON - sara on November 04, 2006
    That's very cool but I would prefer it if you were to expand it... to add more details or new chapters... I mean... Seishirou finally took Subaru... he can't be satisfied with only 3 times...
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  • From ANON - JJ on November 03, 2006
    The idea behind your fic it's interesting and the style is definitely not bad.
    However I hope you'll forgive me if I'll point out there are some canon mistakes and some... technical mistakes.

    After Hokuto's death Subaru began to search for Seishiro but, each time he found him he fought him (see 'Tokyo Babylon 1999', 'Tokyo Babylon 1999 drama cd' & 'X').
    His passivity sounds a little off.

    However it might be explained as Seishiro and Subaru stricking a deal so that Subaru would offer himself to the sakurazukamori in exchange of his victims.
    Actually the Sakurazukamori kills only who threaten Japan or him (or, in Seishiro's case, Subaru) but the TB1999 proved how the ones Seishiro was so willing to kill could also be spared if Subaru were to take care of them (erasing their memory or other stuffs) so an 'exchange' might work.

    Seishiro always called Subaru 'Subaru-kun', not 'Subaru-chan'. If there's a reason for this change I think it would be better if you were to mention it.

    Mn... with your sister's gaijin I assume you refer to Hokuto's gaijin friend in TB Vol. 2.
    Maybe you should put a dictionary explaining what gaijin mean and a note explaining to whom you're referring... at first I couldn't remember that episode or Hokuto ever owning a gaijin...

    Mn... I assume this is a goo point to also mention that sakura branches grabbing subaru in TB and X are usually one of Seishiro's illusions (there are no Sakura trees in the hospital or on Rainbow Bridge...)

    It's a bit difficult for Seishiro to manage to bit Subaru's tongue... since tongues usually stay behind the safe barrier of teeth, unless Subaru is purposely trusting it in Seishiro's mouth... maybe Seishiro should bit Subaru's lip.

    Mn... branches are holding Subaru, riping his robes. all of sudden they aren't anymore and Seishiro throw him on the ground... and I'm not sure if Subaru is now naked or not... and Seishiro's hands are already dripping of Subaru's blood...

    Maybe this part needs a bit more details, don't you think?

    Subaru loose consciousness because a bird flew in his face. I assume you're referring to the birds Seishiro creates with his Ofuda. However those birds are for long rage attacks... Since he had just thrown Subaru on the ground Subaru can't be very far unless Seishiro had tossed him as far as he could... so wouldn't it work better if it was Seishiro's fist who hit Subaru too hard? Or if Seishiro had kicked his head?

    Subaru had been left naked in the snow. Among the damages there should be also the ones done by the cold.
    A risk of hypotermia or, at least, fever (Subaru is described in Tb as somone who takes colds easily).

    Subaru started to smoke after his sister death. Seishiro however found out only in 'X' in 1999. Also, from Subaru's conditions, I'm not sure if he would manage to hold a cigarette. It would be more likely if Seishiro held it for him (in 'X' however Seishiro reproaches him for having such a unhealthy habit as smoking... make me wish to tell him 'looks who's talking...').

    Maybe you should divide the third time in two. One in which Seishiro is gentler and another in which Subaru wants it. Or you should describe how Subaru moved from submitting to 'almost aggressive' (since he takes initiative here and there).

    Plus to have a time where Subaru passively expect violence and gets pleasure (or pleasure mixed to violence) can brainwash his brain more and make him crave for it more easily since in the previous times I'm not sure how much he could have 'apprecciated' it (the first time was unconscious, the second time you didn't describe what seishiro did, you say only he hurt him just the same as the first but let him conscious).

    Mn... I do think isn't so easy for Subaru to position Seishiro right at his entrance if Seishiro had pushed him down... maybe you should ass Seishiro positioned himself before saying Subaru pushed him inside...

    Maybe it would be nice to dwell more in Subaru's mind...

    I hope you'll forgive me if I pointed out all this but I think this has potential and can be improved.
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