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Reviews for How Could You

By : Megan88
  • From shidoburrito on March 19, 2007
    :*( P-poor Shido. Yes, the english is a bit hard to read but in essence it's a very good short little fic (so far, I really hope there's more). Don't leave our favorite vampire alone like that! Wahhh!
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  • From ANON - Anon on February 16, 2007
    Since it's your first fanfic, this will be an actually useful review, but that means I can't only be nice, I also have to be honest. The storyline is really nice: Shido finding out that Cain moved on, and just how much pain it causes. Particularly the closing sentences were well written. However, you CAN tell from the rest of the language and grammar that english isn't your first language. Although your text is still understandable the mistakes take away from the pleasure of reading it, which is a real pity.

    I think the most difficult front is grammar. The paragraph from "Shido stop on his tracks" to "waiting for Cain to finish" has a LOT of mistakes. First of all you change tense from past to present far too many times, and often incorrectly. For example- it should be "Shido stopPED in his tracks" or "shido stops in his tracks" (if you chose to use present). My advice: try to stick to one time frame, making mistakes a lot easier to spot. I understand that you were trying to use present tense to add tempo and anger to Shido's thoughts, but that's really risky. If you make small mistakes and don't have much practice in it, you risk sounding childish. Secondly, the vocabulary. OMFG should NEVER be present in original or fanfiction. You're even better off writing the whole thing out: "Oh my fucking god" still looks better than OMFG. And while we're at it, chose insults and cursing that fits the character using them. Shido is from another generation, was worshipping of god and is both too old, and somewhat too masculine to be using that expression. Frankly, the paragraph made me think more of a betrayed teenage girl than of Shido. Maybe cut back on the exclamation marks (!) a little too, they also take away from his credibility. And a final tip, use quotation marks (") as opposed to dashes (-) to separate dialogue, it just looks better.

    But listen, though this seems rather pessimistic, don't give up on this story. I look forward to reading the next chapter, I think this will wind out to be very entertaining. And for a first story in english it's very well written. I think the best advice I can give you is for you to have the story edited by someone (for grammar and spelling) before you post it. This story, and your writing, has a lot of potential, it's just practice that makes perfect.

    In any case, I really do like it. Update soon!


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