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Reviews for Sex, The Best Stress Relief

By : Cinnamontea
  • From Samric on November 16, 2007
    I noticed something nearly immediately that severely impeded my enjoyment in reading your fic and I feel obligated, as one amateur writer—though perhaps not to the same degree anymore—to another, to point out. It appears that you have a morbid fear of commas, fluid thoughts, and believability. Now I will take a moment to explain each of my accusations and what I think can be done to cure yourself of them.

    1.Fear of commas. In many instances, a comma is useful in breaking up sentences into more manageable phrases and also as a tool to separate different thoughts when they are used in the same sentence. For example, “He stared off for a moment. Thinking about the battle.” could better be expressed as “He stared off for a moment, thinking about the battle.” As you're grammar teacher should have taught you in the time that he or she probably instead used to indoctrinate you and your classmates with his or her political views, a period signifies for the reader an abrupt stop while a comma is a slight slow down before resuming the previous pace. My cure: When you have two short sentences laid out together, try smooshing them together. I know teachers frown upon this a lot of times, but hey, you know the saying: “Those who can't do it, teach it.”

    2.Fear of fluid thoughts. “Beat by Zaha again. For the second time was embarrassing. And on top of that. The Sorcerer Hunters were staying for a couple days. Because Big Mama thought that they were doing so good.” This paragraph totally threw me for a loop. One second—but in two sentences—we're talking about Millfie's embarrassing defeat by Zaha—I'm reading the manga and it's “Sacher Torte” in that—and then we're off into the subject of Big Mama bringing home the gang because she thought they were doing so good. WTF??? Now I realize that moving from subject to subject doesn't have to be done with a lot of fanfare—sometimes the abrupt change can be humorous if written the right way—but you don't even bother to find finish your first thought before moving on to the next! My cure: Elaborate on the small things in order to cushion the transitions into your next idea. In this particular instance, you could detail the manner of his defeat, or how weak he feels for being beaten so seemingly effortlessly by Zaha—Sacher. In addition to that, you could try a more fluid transition like, “And as if his nerves weren't already stretched thin as it was, Big Mama's darling Sorcerer Hunters had been called home as a reward for the good job they'd been doing.” Now that particular sentence would work if indeed Millfie disliked the Sorcerer Hunters, though we all know that he adores them all. Which moves us along into my third and final point.

    3.Fear of believability. Quite a few times I saw things that were simply not plausible. Like Millfie's distaste for the Sorcerer Hunters, Marron's playing the whore, and then their rapid progression through both foreplay and sex. My cure: Elaboration can go a long way to easing the road for even the most out of character parodies. Perhaps have a reason stated for Millfie's sudden dislike for the Sorcerer Hunters—did they chase him around with flaming sticks and threaten to burn off his ponytail last time they saw him? And probably the only way that you could pass off Marron's behavior and the ten-minutes-or-less-foreplay-and-quickie session with so much brevity would be for you to strike out the idea of this being their first time together and portray them as long-time lovers that hadn't been together for months.

    Now I shall leave you alone—though perhaps you already stopped reading about half an hour ago—and allow you to get back to your busy life. Consider my advice not as a put down, but as tough love from another writer who tends to not be able to keep their, harsh, to be sure, opinion to themselves. I hope you'll be able to apply my advice without too much bitterness. You see, I despise having to sugarcoat things to avoid hurting anyones feelings—who gives a damn about that anyways? Fucking liberal democrats and their bleeding hearts. ....Oops! Sorry about the politics, they just tend to leak out every now and then. But at least I finished my lesson before starting the indoctrination. ^_^
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