Reviews for The Horse

BY : lizsnape


  • From Yahnkehy on May 08, 2008

    I'm going to offer some advice, it is up to you how you take it but I want you to know that I am offering help and not flaming you. ^_^ I know you're trying really hard to keep things less confusing by stopping every time you change point of view, but that can be done with *** marks or something to divide where POV changes. So far, you've laid out pieces that don't have any connecting points. It's like reading notations for a story while you're plotting it out. You give us the jist of what is going on, but not the story itself.

    Flesh out the ideas; give us descriptions, explain some of Houki's inner thoughts, explain why Chichiri is treating Tasuki as if he were an unwanted and troublesome dog. Giving the readers some idea of what the characters are thinking help us to understand why a character reacts or does the things he/she does. It isn't giving away the plot, it is just developing the characters so that the reader feels like he/she knows whom they are reading.

    If you're just going to give us pieces, then I'm afraid that not many people will read and enjoy your story because they will have no idea whatsoever as to what is going on. Think of it as a movie; see the things happening in your head and describe it to us so that we can see it too. Being able to describe things in a way that helps the reader visualize what is going on ia very powerful way of communicating your story to others. If you read any novel by a professional author, or even fanfiction, you read a good deal of detail. Think of the stories that you've read and how you were able to picture what was happening because the author told you what everything looked like.

    An example: Tasuki stood in the great hall of M. Reikaku, observing the bandits around him scurrying around. The walls were being scrubbed of the black soot that stained them; the hearth swept and fresh fragrant herbs sprinkled on the stone. The younger bandits, the boys training to become part of the fearsome band, swept, mopped, and rushed to get clean water, their work tunics showing damp spots and grime from their hard labor...

    Just describing what a character sees creates a scene in the reader's head so that when the main character moves, it is almost 'seen' because the reader can visualize what is going on. I hope that this helps you, and best wishes for the future. ~Yahnkehy

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  • From Reya on March 28, 2008

    very nice way to get Tasuki and 'Chiri together. I like how you make Houki and Kouji in on it and the devious personality of what must have been picked up from Nuriko to be brought into play. I can't wait to read more. Please update soon!

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