This is the "Other Anon", and felt I should give myself a name in order to actually mean what I say. While I did write a reply to Ragdoll last night, I got smacked with the "AFF is down for maintenance, let's play Pong!" screen and lost the entire thing. However, my concern is speaking to you directly, Slash, not your fans.
I'll begin my reply by apologizing to you: I did not want to sound like a troll or just a reviewer looking for trouble, but I felt that honesty would be the best policy, and that holding any criticism back would just be bullshitting both you and me. This time around I'm going to try and lay off any snark on you or your intentions, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be harsh or dishonest. I don't want to insult your abilities as an artist by not giving actual criticism.
Let me just clarify to the others that yes, I read the entire thing from start to finish. I did not skim any parts, and by that I really do mean I read everything, even the sexual scenes. I freely admit I read them to try and understand why anyone would go into detail about it, and while they were actually ambiguous enough to mar the entire human-Pokemon connection, that doesn't mean that I enjoyed them for what they were. I did in fact read this story just to laugh at the entire idea, but the further along I read, the less it was about that, and the more it was about the actual writing at the plot.
Slash, I'll repeat that. I started reading this story solely as entertainment at your expense for using the idea of Pokemon and humans having sex, no matter how long it was. Later on, it became less about that and more about your struggles as a writer. Yes, you're right that any story with any setting, told with skill, can turn even the most outlandish premise into something interesting, but my take on it is that you didn't pull it off as well as you could have. I did not write that review (and this one) to get attention. I would have been happy to just let you go on writing the story as you were and watch you from the sidelines, but I genuinely felt I needed to take my time to compose a review because of my love for writing.
Criticism isn't bad, by the way, and dismissing any of it out of hand (be the source "legitimate" or not) is one of the dumbest, most arrogant things an artist can do. If you only get praising comments without any negative input, you'll never improve. It may be hard to believe, but I think you can improve and you have promise. That is why it's so infuriating to see you squandering your talents by relying on tropes that every other fantasy writer has done to death.
Anyway, on to replying to your points.
1. The "Slash Firestorm is not a self-insert" point is probably the one I have the hardest time believing. Yes, Slash has not succeeded or beaten everything that's put in front of him, but that doesn't mean that he's exactly "balanced", if I can use that term. It's believeable that he lost to Maxie and Watson, especially considering that he's only 3 months fresh out of the academy (but he's fully experienced in all Pokemon abilities, apparently) and his team isn't composed of level 99 Pokemon. Kiako is obviously stronger than Slash at the start, so Slash couldn't exactly win in any way. However, he has gained supernatural abilities that will only get stronger with time, and despite all the pent-up rage inside him, he seems to be able to twist everything to his advantage. I don't mind gifted characters, but as it is, all Slash seems to be is a superman in every sense of the word.
I also want to refer to Slash's traumatic past. Traumatic pasts... those are red flags that you are pulling a Gary Stu card. When you remind us that he's 16, I go "really?" and wonder if you aren't just projecting yourself into him. I mean, you said you wouldn't mind being him, and while authors may be attached to their characters, your re-use of the name makes it hard to accept. I haven't seen any actual, honest weaknesses that will bite him in the ass other than him being poor at math, because the weaknesses related to his nature hasn't even hindered him yet, or affected his relationship with his Pokemon. Look at it this way: the guy's young, he's extremely good at what he does, he is generally nice but he has a DARK SIDE thanks to a traumatic past, he's developing psychic abilities with his gifted mate, he's related to someone of great importance in the past, he's being watched by the gods, and he's considered to be the world's only salvation. Pretty overwhelming to any normal person, but 16-year-old Slash Firestorm won't be deterred! Show this list of traits to anyone else who critiques fanfiction and they WILL think this is a self-insert.
And don't tell me that this has been just an introduction, which can explain away any need to give hints into the psyche and feelings of everyone. At 200 pages in, already now into the second arc of the story, I would have expected a few things to become concrete. I was right: only a few things became concrete, while everything else remains hidden away. For all of the spotlight Kiako has gotten, he's still largely unknown. The only character we know inside and out is Psymakio, and Slash for the most part remains a complete mystery. This should not be the case, because I find it hard to sympathize with characters who don't bare a little of themselves after 20 chapters of in-depth conversation.
As for connecting this story, or the trinity of characters to other tales, you're right, I don't understand. I hope you're not planning some sort of massive crossover, though, because that'd make the entire idea much, much stranger.
2. I'm not saying that you don't know what words like 'palaver' or 'dirge' mean. What I am saying is that nobody uses these words commonly, if at all, in normal conversation. You claim that Hoenn has developed its own culture, and that's what gives you the reason to use words like that... but you gave no indication of it. The language so far is all Americanized English (you even had Slash say "y'all" at one point) in dialogue and narration, with smatterings of Japanese to cover names and some terms. Moreover, filling your story with purple prose and unnecessary "five dollar words" makes for a pretty... well, EPIC read.
If Stephen King really is one of your favorite authors, it wouldn't kill to be a bit more like him and spare words when you're writing your story. After all, as Antoine de Saint-Exuper once said, a designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there's nothing left to add, but when there's nothing left to take away. I believe this applies to writers as well.
And Slash being Psymakio's only thing to live... that in fact could make for a pretty tragic and interesting aspect of the entire story, and turn Psymakio into a flawed character. Flaws are not bad things. It makes your characters more believable and sympathetic. Stripping away complexity in characters is one of the greatest disservices a writer can do to his stories. Single-minded or flawless characters don't belong in a serious story, and you're treating this as a serious story.
3. Regardless of all the hints you're dropping about moonlight and silver and angels, could you at least stop using the words as often as you do, and maybe describe Psymakio some other way? You're beating us over the head so much with it, it's as if you forgot that you told us not ten paragraphs ago that Psymakio is a moonlit silver angel. And did I mention she looks like an angel bathed in the silver light of the moon? Kidding aside, though, we get it already.
4. My complaint was not with the Magmas and Aquas being morons, and yes with you taking the time to explain away moves, powers, and the like for the readers. Did you ever see a superhero talk to himself and say "even my heat vision can't destroy the force field!" and think at how unnatural that sounds? It's like that. Normal people don't talk like this. I used the Magma example as the main one, but what about when Slash is in his head, or when Psymakio is listing the benefits of their mating, and we get a laundry list of powers Slash is developing? The explanation just seems to be solely for our benefit, not Slash's.
5. You're admitting deus ex machina to explain the characters' motives by way of divine intervention. That's not good writing, no matter how much you want to attribute it to destiny. There is no fantasy trope as bad as characters “just knowing” what is supposed to happen or what they’re supposed to do because "they have to". It’s lazy and stupid, and you know it. You might as well say that Kiako's just doing what he's doing because the Shadow told him to and Slash and Psymakio are being ordered around by the Great Ones. Save, of course, Slash being forced to "choose". Because of that, I'll drop any expectation of free will on the part of the characters, and completely ignore any attempts at you giving us motive for their actions. After all, destiny trumps purpose, doesn't it?
Fine, just say I guessed everything wrong if it makes you feel better about yourself. I guessed wrong on the princes, seeing as only now did you give us some lore and tell us they were immortal beings and brothers to Miyako. I also got Psymakio's pregnancy wrong (blame me not reading your actual profile, although how one can have a "baby" and not get pregnant...), although you seem to delight in making everyone guess by releasing these little spoilers. Just out of curiosity, though, we've only seen two prominent female leads, so why would it even be a spoiler to say "someone's pregnant" other than just throwing hints to the fans?
Come to think of it, if the Cacturne attack was inevitable, why would Slash and Psymakio want to have sex at all? They're not that stupid, and in fact it's insulting for us to accept that they'd do this after all this time. I think you just wanted to get some drama and give us an info-dump in the form of a psychic dream to tell us about the future, and maybe get some more EPIC in the form of Slash's dark heart acting up. And if you say that they felt like having sex just because the Great Ones influenced them, just like all of the antidotes breaking were "destiny", then there's really no point in expecting Slash and Psymakio to make conflicting, dangerous choices. Even the coming great decision will somehow turn into everyone's favor whether someone dies or not. I hope I'm wrong, but you've already pulled all the tricks from the book. All you did to hide it was make things vague enough that we won't get any explanations until ten chapters later.
6. The answers need not be answered now, but getting the questions would be grand. All we have to go by is that he's a dangerous hybrid with a dark past after the Pearls for Giovanni. This would work if you limited your narration to Slash and Psymakio and maybe a few glimpses of Flannery and that mysterious desert rider, but you made the mistake of telling part of the story through his eyes. We in fact got the bit of info that he was medically experimented upon... but that was it. We got no internal dialogue concerning his motives that we didn't already know of, no hint that he may be doing all of this for something else, no memory or thought in passing of what makes him a villain. If he's just evil for the sake of being evil (Demon, Shadow), then he's just a boring villain that happens to be a wild card. Again, after 200 pages of introduction, I would have expected some things to become concrete.
But now that you mention the transcending rivalry, I'm not sure I buy it anymore. It's one thing to limit fate and destiny into one story that they MUST be rivals because of the past, but it's quite another to make the entire business span different stories in different universes. This linking of different fandoms with the same three characters doesn't make me take the tension seriously because you're recycling the characters into different situations. Situations and worlds that have their only connection through you, the author.
My big problem with Psymakio, human or not, is that she lets Slash get away with murder. However, as you said, Kiako just killed two Aqua members who were terrorists and had it coming to them. She doesn't like the idea of Slash giving in to his dark side to go hunt down this murderer, so why does she pardon Slash and even agree with his desire to murder his raping uncle? Yeah, suddenly deciding to go chase someone down because they seriously injured you sounds extreme, but her sense of justice is skewed.
Sure, she's not human and we shouldn't expect her to share any ethics with humans past "let's all live in harmony", but the killings of the thugs came before Slash's own "murder" of the Cacturne. Why didn't we see him at least mull over that, even though he's not the one who killed them? Why didn't we see his dark heart act up then, maybe to give the readers the hint that Slash was not all he appeared to me, that there was something more to him that made him even slightly psychotic? I certainly got the idea that he was cold-blooded and completely guiltless after the thugs were dead just because he never said anything about it.
I can see where you're coming from with the light and dark concepts, but aren't you being a bit contradictory? If light means "charity" while dark means "self", why is it necessarily bad that Slash has a dark heart? Slash could be a fully dark-hearted person and be entirely "selfish", but still act in the interests of good, right? Likewise, couldn't Psymakio be charitable and still foment discontent and evil? It's a bit difficult to separate the idea of light with good and dark with evil, especially when you're attributing Slash's pleasure at killing to his dark heart, or that Psymakio is a good "light" being because she puts others ahead of herself.
I forgot to add this, by the way, and it seems relevant to this point: why are Dark-type Pokemon always shown to be evil? Why are they not present in the ancestral memory when Psymakio visits the Quiero? I'm sure we're going to find out, but you're limiting all Dark-types as being tools of evil trainers.
7. I'm not really concerned with explanations of the theme... My concern is with the theme itself. Actually, no, rather it's with the way you're going about it. You're sharing names, repeating the story between the "players", and even repeating the romances, linking it all to what must be done. I know you're drawing parallels to the past and that this new blood must succeed where the old guard failed, but this is exactly where my problem with the story lies. You're sacrificing a pretty good idea with the desire to uphold this "trinity", even if they turn out to be different, because they are all sharing names. Even the past selves are affecting the future ones directly. I don't know how else to explain it right now. It just reads as EPIC.
8. I know Pokemon are awesome and could tear down humans in moment, but even if the technology of the world differs, wearing armor and hunkering behind castles of stone is worthless against a bullet or a bomb that can tear down fortifications. This is just basic history I'm relaying to you here, one that is immutable to fantasy unless you start saying that the armor and the castles had magical aspects to them that make them act as bullet-proof vests and bomb shelters. Also, and this is just me, "Sunderer" is a pretty EPIC (read: bad) name for a nuclear bomb.
And you're just starting the story now? That means that we're going to have 700 or so more pages of actual content, hopefully that leads somewhere? Making a long story like this and keeping the pace adequate is difficult to do, and only now you're starting the actual plot? That's... not encouraging.
So, to wrap things up... If you want to continue writing this story as it is, go for it. Personally, I find it to be a waste of your talents to fall back on the EPIC to hold up the story. Your characters seem to be flawless, you are mishandling genuine chances to draw out tragedy and drama, you are being ambitious in making this story transcend the Pokemon world, and in general not living up to the standards expected to make the story exciting. You have your moments: Watson's backstory was told very well, and the plight of Flannery's town was endearing. Perhaps it's because I care more about the people who don't have their destinies rooted in long-spanning, world-threatening gods. Consider me being too rooted to reality.
And remember: I could have just ignored the story and let you do as you please as you brought in more and more outlandish plot points (Quiero's father has cancer!) for my enjoyment, since that is why I read your story in the first place. However, I voiced my criticism because I thought I'd do you a favor and actually give you the necessary negative critique that you, as an artist, needs to improve. You probably won't think of it as a favor because I've admitted that I'm not a fan of the story, but you know what? I'm really not doing this to make you feel good, or to piss you off. From one writer to another, I'm pointing out what your shortcomings are, asking you to consider on how you'll set about to fixing them, and asking you to look into accountancy. That is all.
Hey Slash just waiting for the next cha- wait, another one of these reviews?
Great, did this guy come back to lay on some more smart-ass comments? Wait, let me read this overgrown mess...... okay, still the same. I don't get why this guy came back just to rag on a fic he doesn't like remotely, or actually take the time to write such a long-winded review for it just because he's hoping to persuade you to see the error in your ways or some junk like that. The point is that I don't see where he gets the authority to mouth-off like that when he probably hasn't created something even close to what sinners has become. But, whatever. There are always going to be people like that right?
Anyways, I was just sayin' that I can't wait for the next chapter to finally come out (feels like an eternity after that cliffhanger you left us with the in the last chapter). I guess I missed the the mark on the whole 'someone is pregnant' hint huh? Well, just lettin' you know that I personally think that sinners is something amazing and has personally re-newed my faith in fanfiction. So, geta movin on that next chapter, cause i can't wait stand the suspense any longer! Oh, and um, chickens are pretty cool.
The point is that I don't see where he gets the authority to mouth-off like that when he probably hasn't created something even close to what sinners has become
Well, he ended it with 'one author to another', so regardless of WHAT he's wrote, the fact that he's wrote at all means his opinion is valid.
Just because somebody's hatin' on somethin' you be lovin', doesn't instantly invalidate everything they so tenuously took the time to type. Hell, I love Sinners thus far, and I say he makes valid points. Only; he sees EPIC as a bad thing while it appeals to my tastes.
If someone doesn’t like Sinners they should just e-mail him so that it won't clutter up the review page after all fans like me who leave reviews that last a few pages already take up a huge amount of space and a lot of us might get pissed by anyone who says anything bad about this story although i'm more hurt than anything i feel like Sinners is a part of me anymore and i don't like seeing stuff like that well anyways that's all i had to say that and if there's no update before my birthday i'm finding slash and smacking him with a raw fish i don't know what kind yet maybe a Flounder and it will be when he lest expects it like maybe when he’s own the toilet or when he’s shopping for food or just perhaps when he’s fapping to Gardevoir porn.
Being as I have the time (and feel like it) I'll take my hand at critiquing the critique, jack. Pretty much line by line.
You state the criticism argument as though it's something new here. Slash has taken the time to point out that he wants good criticism before, so pointing it out in a slightly caustic way is an odd move.
One of the best ways to make a character is to rely on parts of yourself (as you'd know it best) and expand them to create a person worth idolizing, or at least admiring. That he's a really cool guy doesn't make it a self-insert, as you're so intent on proving. Lots of good characters win most of the time, but the character is revealed to have flaws and make errors, so perfect he is not. Which rather helps believability. Lack of self-confidence is one of the humanizing traits in young characters.
The character is, I agree, pretty old for his age (however you want to phrase that). Older would be more believable, but I'm pretty immature for my age so I can shrug it off. That perseverence in face of tall challenges is a bad thing... I'd disagree. His abilities and fate seem to make him rather not the "normal person" who would be overwhelmed.
Kiako as I read it is SUPPOSED to be unknown. He's the joker card. Did you not read that? As for baring little of themselves, a great deal is known about slash, psymakio, and watson through their opinions shown in word and deed. If you don't really have a feel for them by now you'll need a biography, which I hope Slash (the author) will not waste his time on, as my impatience is only increasing, hehe.
Using strange words (gasp). Seriously? That's a problem?
Stephen King? Spare Words? Looks to me like the books he writes are pretty damn big to me.
Psymakio is a pokemon, of a race whose ties to their trainer/master are very strong normally. That he's her mate as well makes it pretty all-encompassing for existence. That was written in pretty clearly to me.
I don't get anal about wording, and using "angel", something with moonlight, and "silver" instead of Psymakio is no great headache for me. That he describes her in the same way means she doesn't turn purple suddenly. It's part of the mindset when thinking of her.
Maxie takes the time to gloat and grind in the fact that his move basically turns his pokemon into Lord Destructo of planet Yourefucked. I'd throw in some hard lessons at the time too.
Slash (character) actually needs instruction on his new abilities? pfffffffff that's not believable.
The characters really haven't received much in way of instruction on what to do from the otherwordly powers that be so far, beyond Quiero, and that was to be prophetic anyways. Up til this point it's been Slash (character) going to get badges, finding Kiako, Fallerbor (whatever) getting its shit tossed and him thinking he should help out.
A baby was thrown into the street near me. I pick it up. I now have one (1) baby.
Earlier you were saying not making mistakes in a story is dumb, then saying them making the mistake of sexing it up in the desert is dumb for just that reason. "They should have known better" I've heard quite a few times in my life.
Kiako is not the main character. He's supposed to be mysterious, the wild card. Are you not getting this? Also, though rivals, it does seem they may well need his help to defeat this shadow, with all its power. "After 200 pages of introduction, I would have expected some things to become concrete." Introduction. Concrete. Introduction is just an introduction. Erm, yeah.
She (Psymakio) understands his desire to kill his uncle, but would still be horrified (I guess I assume) had he killed him. Angel is scared half to death when "RAGE" goes balls to the walls.
For fleshing out, when Slash (author) does redo the "muggers" chapter, I would appreciate some more remorse on the characters' parts. That I do agree with.
Dark and Light do not have to be good or evil necessarily, but acting selfishly generally leads to more negative stuff than actions for others.
"Dark-types as being tools of evil trainers." So far we had that one guy whose Umbreon died, which was seen as bad, and then Aquas having them. Well except for wee Corphish, who has beginning dark-tendencies. (shrugs)I'm curious where dark-types come from too, that may help explain why so many are seen as evil, but never is it said that all or most dark-types are evil.
Making the story on a grand scale... You may have a problem with it, but I can cope with it just fine. Be boring if all they did was save a pokemart from the Hamburglar
I'm doubting the armor was made for the express purpose of stopping bullets, but I think fortifications of any kind are nice against virtually all offenses (I.E. not nukes) As for changing the name of the nukes.... who... cares?
It's a long story. Some people will/won't like that. Ok then.
"in general not living up to the standards expected to make the story exciting". Only yours, buddy ;)
"Consider me being too rooted to reality". Um, this is fiction.
Your last paragraph is largely "I'm pretty much better at this than you, you're welcome for this". -10 points for douchebaggery on that.
In closing, I was probably an ass with some of my comments, but debate and sarcasm heavily influence my critiques so I'll just assume you'll live through it. I can appreciate what you say you're trying to do, but disagree with your methods. Also, can't wait for new chapter, July is almost over...
http://fc04.deviantart.com/fs32/i/2008/206/8/f/Capital_by_themindofmadness.jpg This is now the image that the Regigigas's Castle calls to my mind, no matter wholly inaccurate it may be.
I read though about half of those novel-of-reviews and got the picture.
Let me just say, for me and my story, I love criticism, it helps me improve...and I hope that you feel the same way.
Anywho, sure, I have some thoughts and criticism about the story, yet I haven't typed them.
Why?
Because of the variable of the author...
Unless a chapter is outrageously bad, (none have been bad at all so far) I'm not going to say anything, because the we're getting the story in small chunks...Piece by piece. which leaves it open for the Author to change things up, and clarify.
In no way am I saying criticism bad...I thrive off of it, and I love it, but I'm just saying to reserve your judgment on characters until they are fully developed.
You're either going to have a static character or a dynamic character.
Slash and Psymakio are dynamic, and while Psymakio's character is pretty well developed already, Slash's is still changing and developing.
When Psymakio evolved into a Gaurdevoir, and began her relationship with Slash, her character was pretty much set, while Slash changes much slower...So reserve your judgement on him...
Most of Slash's pokemon are static, meaning their personalities don't change that much. Kiako is static so far, but he may change, which is why I can't fully offer advice or ideas on him.
I don't say this because I'm a "ZOMG READ EVERY CHAPTER OF SINNER 20394820389 TIMES!!!" fan, but because it's a basic idea of the structure of literature...
So, basically, the idea of what I'm saying is, the readers don't have much of an idea of what is going on in the authors head, so problems with characters may be resolved in the next chapter. The fact is we don't quite know.
Anyway, I'd be glad to share my ideas if you like, Slash, but I haven't so far because I know the characters aren't fully developed....
But!
The chapters are coming quickly, and the characters are changing more and more.
Eeeh. I think maybe you /are/ too deeply rooted in reality, Jack. I'm not going to rag on you for criticism, because it's never a bad thing as long as it's constructed, and because you've dropped (at least some of) that holier-than-thou attitude you came in with.
What I am going to say, though, is that having a traumatic past and being a bit ahead of the pack is what makes a character interesting. People don't write stories about john doe who got straight b's and worked at the 7/11 his whole life and never did anything interesting, do they? The way I always look at it is "if a world has vampires, your character isn't mary sue for being a vampire" - well, the Pokemon world has psychic people (Sabrina's gym, anyone?), and people do tend to have traumatic pasts.
The whole deus ex machina thing - I think Slash has pulled it off rather well, to be honest. The Gods themselves have flaws and weaknesses, so "divine intervention" isn't actually that much advantage. I have a feeling that in the next chapter, it'll come as a disadvantage, in fact. Also, the Gods didn't want Slash and Gardevoir to have sex in the desert, that was partially the shadow's influence, and, I assume, partially whatever corrupt God is lurking in the desert.
I don't think Slash wanting to follow Kiako and kill him is that much of a stretch, either - he's an angry teenager with a bit of firepower behind him and all the freedom in the world, and Kiako made him feel weak. He keeps saying he's doing it for the right reasons, but we've been informed repeatedly that he actually just wants to mess him up for the pleasure.
Kiako himself - I think his motives require some back-knowledge of Pokemon. He's serving Team Rocket because they beat him into relative submission. While it's not clear exactly why he wants the Pearls and, by extension, the Shadow, he is looking for them under instruction from Giovanni. In the series, Giovanni always tries to obtain things that he can't control (Mewtwo, most notably), and always ends up with some poor bastards cleaning up the mess for him. Personally, I think Slash Firestorm makes for a much more interesting "poor bastard" than Ash "Liek, use thundershock!!1" Ketchum.
I think I'll leave it there. I didn't mean to write as much as I did, but I had a few more points than I thought.
[/fanboy defense] :D
-----------------------
To slash:
Yeah, I think you picked up quite a few readers from 7chan. Before the recent shenanigans all but killed it, we actually had quite a strong erotic literature community over there. A couple of original pieces there are up with yours in terms of tales where the story has become the primary attraction, despite the erotic content.
Your story, along with a couple of others, make me wish I could find time to write.
Since i forgot to mention, don't take my words as completely foolproof (not that you would). But since I'm not the mastermind of this story, I could be guessing/supposing a farther than is wise in my lengthy little writing (erm. in comparison to some things.)
Hallation: Awesome pic.
Oh, and I actually first saw this on 7chan :P So yeah, you got quite a few readers from there, slash.
i must say this the most.. uh..intresting thing i have read. jack's reviews i can do without. they clutter up valueable space. slash i hope you update soon. this is TLTSDTWMTTGTF signing off. Too Late,and to Their Sorrow, Do Those Who Misplace Their Trust in Gods Learn Their Fate.
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