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Reviews for Extra time with Tenchi

By : LostChris
  • From ninesenshi on August 20, 2010
    Uneven, but parts were quite good. I really wish the series had ended like this. Thanks for writing it.
    SailorNemesis
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  • From Harlotbug3 on May 13, 2010
    Boy oh boy, this brings me back. I have to say the second chapter didn't do much for me, but the first just kept such a big grin on my face. The Tenchi/Ryoko combo really is timeless, it seems. I like how you seem to capture both the raw horniness along with the playful cartoony-ness, something only anime and anime fanfics can do.

    I'm revisiting my roots with a naughty and (I hope) funny fic. It seems I'm the only one using the character set, but the first chapter gives a quick and (again I hope) fun run down. If you havent' washed your hands of this site ;) I'd love to get your take on it.
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  • From LightUnearthed on April 23, 2010
    LostChris,

    Great job on this fanfic! It was clever how you used the original OVA as your starting point, simply inserting new scenes to add a sexual element. You chose places that you could easily rely on the reader to know, since Ryoko's arrival and the battle with Kagato are two crucial events in the story. I also like that you focused on the Tenchi/Ryoko pairing, as they are my favorite characters and definitely the pair I envision.

    I also like that you infused your sex scenes with conflict. Too often characters come together without any reservations, but you set up your scenes to fit with the characters. It simply makes sense that Tenchi would be torn between his natural desires and his desire to uphold a virtuous nature as a man, and also that Kagato, being the ruthless man he is, would take sick pleasure in raping a helpless woman.

    Now, what I would like to see in your writing is greater attention to spelling and grammar. Remember that writing is a form of communication, and by following the rules of spelling and grammar we ensure that what we see in our imaginations is communicated to the audience. The absence of grammar issues makes a story easier to read and allows the reader to become more fully absorbed in the events. However, grammar is one of those things where no one will congratulate you on your use of excellent grammar, but they will notice when your grammar is less than clean. Let me provide an example:

    We can learn a lot by dissecting a large run-on sentence from paragraph six of Chapter One. Here's what you've got: "Even as his back hits the quilt he knew something was wrong as he could feel a body beneath the sheets, his hand moved above his head to confirm this and with worry written all over his face he shifts round, his hand moving up the cover to pull back the blanket, Ryoko asleep beneath them." First major issue is consistent use of tense. His back "hits" the quilt, and he "knew" something was wrong. Here, "hits" is in the present tense, and "knew" is in the past tense. Most stories are written in the past tense, and that's safest for writers, so I would change "hits" to "hit", and later on, "shifts" to "shifted". So, pointer number one: make sure tense is consistent.

    Second, this sentence is far too long, so we need to find good places to chop it up and make it more manageable for the reader. This is a relatively tense moment in the story, since there's a strange woman in his bed, so we'll want the sentences to be on the short side. Long sentences tend to suck the energy out of a paragraph, so you should reserve them for more relaxed scenes. I would put the first break after "he knew something was wrong." The next complete sentence would be "There was a body beneath the sheets." Why? Because the body is a stimulus, and the sentence packs enough punch on its own that to group his reaction with it would detract from its power. Let's put the next break after the look of worry comes across his face. This will also require a little rewording, but I'll let you come up with that on your own. See if you can figure out the rest of the sentence breaks. Remember that we want to keep them a little bit shorter to help the emotional energy of the paragraph.

    Going through your entire story and correcting just those two issues, tense and sentence breaks, will bring your story a long way forward. Think also about paragraph breaks, as they are just as important. Remember that every time the speaker changes, the paragraph must change; this is simply an unbendable rule. Paragraphs also follow the same rule as sentences: long ones decrease emotional intensity, while short ones increase emotional intensity. Also make sure you've got your 'to', 'too', and 'two's straight, as well as your 'their', 'they're', and 'there's straight.

    Final note: consider seeing your local library for writing resources. Strunk and White's Elements of Style is a must-read, of course, and you might also look at Dwight Swain's Techniques of the Selling Writer. Even if you don't aim to sell your stories, I think you'll get more pleasure out of writing if you hone your technique. Good work and keep writing!



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  • From severuslover on October 05, 2009
    this could be formatted a little better. The text is too close it needs more spacing. Other than that I loved it!:D

    Kay
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