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Reviews for A Rivalry Revealed Novel #1

By : kurahieiritrJIO

From Raymy on May 30, 2013
Chapter 2: When I read, "I have to help get that baka to bed", I got the impression of a double meaning which Keisuke wasn't aware of. It's fun to know what's going on with him before he does! I so enjoy the different descriptions of Takumi in Keisuke's mind:

damned little punk
spaced out little genius
that baka or that young baka

In Takumi's POV, I'm uncertain as to the cause of the blurry vision. I know that when I'm tired my eyes can go unfocused but to go blurry and stay that way even when you know it's happening, I haven't experienced. Are you implying that the lack of caffeine caused him to see blurry and blackout; his deep need for sleep finally catching up to him?
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From Raymy on May 24, 2013
Chapter 1: It's good to reread a story, I can pick up the hints you give about relationships. Keisuke and Kenta, for instance. My first read through, I didn't clue in on the paragraph about Kenta being able to understand Keisuke's glitches as I do now. Also, I was able to accept the Japanese words which replaced what and why. I went to your Bio page and educated myself, and I had read so much of the story that they are beginning to look normal in the dialogue. It's hard to take it slow this time and ponder my review because I sped through it the first time around, and now I'm itching to do the same again. I so look forward to the plot even when I know what happens!

Well, you did a really good job of setting the stage. You included all the necessary points that you expound on later. I like that there is so much yet to be revealed but at the same time, you gave me enough to wander off into a reverie of "what will happen next?" I think the cut off for this chapter is perfect, ending the previous scene while setting up the next.
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From ANON - Anonym-kun on May 05, 2013
I like the story a lot. The first time I read it was long time ago, when it was still fully presented on fanfiction net, and the second part was only somewhere in the middle of progress, I think.
It fascinated me from the beginning and didn't let go, so now I decided to renew my memory and reread it (thanks to the fifth anime series finally appearing, but anyway).
I was still extremely pleased. But.
Why did you use so many "japanese" words? Most of them are picking on my hearing (or reading in this case) and are usually unnecessary. You don't hear a Japanese saying "Kimi ha(wa) WHAT wo shite imasuka?" (君はWHATをしていますか) And I was really rolling on the floor every time someone cursed - it does sound funny when you see "naze/nani the hell".
If you still insist on using words in your work (your choice, really), then you should at least use them correctly. For example:

If you use "onnas" instead of "women" - then why do you still use "men", not "otoko"?
You use "ryoushin" and "aniki" - but instead of "otouto" you use "Little brother".
When you want to say "everyone", it's "minnasan" (みんなさん) - not "minasan"
With "isha" is used not "san", but "sensei", as any politic, teacher, doctor or simply very respected person. Though in your story better use the name with the suffix.
When you use "naze" - there's another word "doushite", and half of the times you use "naze" there should be "doushite" instead. Or even "douyatte". It's hard to find the examples as the story is big and I don't remember where I saw those, but here's one:
"I really don't understand naze Fujiwara san's behavior is unusual when we'r doing the same thing he is right now."
Naze means "what for", and here you have a different meaning of "why", better use "doushite". They have a few different "why", you know?
"Arigatou" (ありがとう), not "arigato".
"doumo" (どうも) - not "domo".
"doumo sumimasen" is Ok, but no "gozaimasu" - it is not used in apologies. If you want to stress an extreme apology, you'd better use "moushiwake arimasen" (もうしわけありません) - something along the line of "there is no forgiveness for me".
"Yoroshiku" is used only during the introductions or when a great help is given.
"Gomen nasai gozaimasu" - actually wrong, too. "Gomennasai onegaishimasu" (ごめんなさいおねがいします) is what you emotionally ment. Probably. Though if apology is to the person of higher ranking, then "gomennasai" is a rude mistake at all. (P.S.: besides, "gomen" and "nasai" aren't two words. "nasai" is simply the grammatical ending, so the simplified version sounds "gomen", when the word is stripped of all ending that add politeness.)
"Nani time do you get off" - well, there is a special case about it. Japanese say "Nan ji" for "what time".
"iie kidding" - extremely wrong grammatically. "Kidding ja nai", if you insist.

I hope it doesn't look like bullying, cause I didn't intend it to. The first time I read this I don't remember such words in the text, and now the whole effect of some angered speech is completely ruined because of "nani" every five words.
And if you wonder "what the hell is she blabbering about" or "what gives her the right to say so" - I'm finishing my 3rd year in University right now, Japanese major.

Good luck with your muse - I definitely like the stuff she's smoking.)
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From ANON - Old Owl on April 27, 2013
Wow!!! Okay I really can`t say I didn`t see that coming... One of the most erotic masturbation scenes ever. Awesome, he really loves Takumi and has to slow down if he doesn`t want to scare him off. Patience. A word with infinate possibilities. You made the reader want to `help` or do something to aid him. Great potential here honey.
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From ANON - Old Owl on April 27, 2013
The way that the two brothers talk to each other is gratifing, the give and take is refreshing. I`m glad that Ryosuke is so concerned about his brother`s and Takumi`s well-being. The dialogue is great, the storytelling is superb. Good read so far. Must read more.
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From ANON - Old Owl on April 27, 2013
Oh my Goodness, this is one very powerful chapter. Tukumi, who thought of himself as usless, is finding emotions that he never thought he would from a simple kiss. The raw feelings, emotions were outstanding. Excellent dialogue, wonderful how you make the reader feel with the characters. Bravo friend. On I go to read more.
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From OldOwl on April 26, 2013
Wow, what a problem poor Takumi has. He likes Keisuke but isn`t sure how to take his loving him. You got the right amount of anguish in Takumi`s thoughts. He never thought of himself like that, any one could see him and think him handsome. I can see where he is coming from though. Him having an abusive father makes it hard for him to see himself as anything but a nuicence. Him wrestling with these thoughts shows he really cares about what Keisume will say when they next meet. Excellent storytelling honey. I will but read on.
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From OldOwl on April 26, 2013
Well, that was one very good chapter. Takumi has a feeling that Keisuke has deeper feelings for him than he thought. Now what to do about them? Through the other young man, he realized that it is possible to be bi and not know it. Wow, what a revelation! Takumi in his thinking realized that he looked on his new friend as possibly more than just a friend too. You know who is talking to who, you tightened this chapter up nicely. I want to read more.
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From OldOwl on April 26, 2013
Takumi finally got a clue huh. As usual, the chapter was intriguing, it spoke of things most people don`t talk of sexuality. The dialogue was great, knowing who is talking to who is awesome. Sometimes in other tomes I`ve read you really can`t tell. It was a relief to know Takumi was accepting of Keisuke`s friends. Not being sure how to handle a situation, not bad Takumi. You have my admiration. GLet me get back to reading.
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From OldOwl on April 26, 2013
What a way to find out if someone is homophobic!!!!! Okay, not to obvious but when Akimoto hit on Takumi, that made one lad quite uncomfortable. Hee, hee, hee, never thought I`d see Keisuke get into someone`s face like that. Takumi was honest with the four of them though and stated he hadn`t thought he knew any one who was gay or bi. He didn`t want to offend so he didn`t say anything. The dialogue is superb, you can tell who is talking to who. It flows honey. Good job, let me get back to my reading.
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From OldOwl on April 26, 2013
Very good my friend, you tightened up this chapter as I thought you could. Frightened, damn straight Keisuke is scared. He let himself once tell another guy that he was attracted to him and never again. He`s in love with Takumi? No, can`t be. Good getting through his angst, making him realize that that is why he is so hard on him. Excellent dialogue, although most of it is in Keisuke`s head. Bravo my friend.
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From ANON - Old Owl on April 25, 2013
I like how the four friends are talking with such easy comradiery, actually only three. The lady just puts in comments here and there. Akimoto seems like a big `teddy bear`, no disrespect intended. A big man with a heart of gold, who can get things done if necessary. The dialogue is on point, the way they talk is unigue. Confusion is in Takumi, he`s not sure he deserves the brothers support and friendship. Keisuki is scared of chasing away his young friend. Very good descriptive phrases, excellent read.
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From ANON - Old Owl on April 25, 2013
I like the byplay that the brothers have, especially how Ryosuke teases his bro about cleaning his room and how Keisuke is now a friend of Takumi. I noted how the threesome interacted and `saw` how aware Takumi was of them especially Tohji. Not sure if there is confrontation in the works but we`ll see. You can tell who is talking to who. Enjoyed reading this piece.
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From ANON - Old Owl on April 25, 2013
Getting to see how the brothers interact with each other and their parents is very interesting. I especially like the way Ryosake teases his younger brother about how his relationship is with the nineteen year old. I enjoy `seeing` how diligent Keisuke is about cleaning his room. Excellent dialogue, you get the feeling that the brothers home is welcoming and that is something else Takumi has not had in his life. Bravo my friend.
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From ANON - Barb Giordano on April 24, 2013
I`m not used to going by chapters to give a review, just needed to read. Chapters 2 through 9 were a very good read. The terms precise, dialogue very good. Know who is talking to who and can tell the emotions of the characters. A few small problems that I can see, Paragraph 17 in Chapter 5 while/whihe, Paragraph 8 Chapter 7, skirmish/squirmish. The story has been ripping along very well. I am enjoying how confused Keisuke was before he realized he was in `love` with Takumi. His brother pointed it out to him. The way the brothers get along and try to solve their prblems is especially evident in Chapter 9. Excellent my friend.
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