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Reviews for The Cardboard Box

By : cathankitten

From LadyMelieka on April 03, 2010
Hi. First of all, I wanted to tell you that I liked your story a lot. I think it's a great one. I hope you plan to continue it at some point. There were a few things I wanted to say.
First of all, I'd like to volunteer myself as a Beta for this story. Like Teff, I noticed a few pretty glaring grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm pretty good at that kinda stuff, and can confidently say that I'd miss very few that needed to be corrected. I'm not judging, I think your computer must not have a very good spellchecker.

I completely disagree with Teff's quote number five. I actually expected Akio to convince Suguru to have sex with him a couple of chapters before the rape happened. I believe (especially in the Gravi universe) that people really do fall in love, or at least lust, that quickly. It happens in real life too.
I like the back story behind Akio and why he's doing this to Suguru. Also, I laughed when I saw his brother's name was Kyuichi. Very cool.

Now, here's the main part of this email. In addition to being Beta, I would like your permission to sort of rework your story. Before I go on, what I mean is that all your ideas, plotline and character interactions would stay the same, in exactly the same order you have them currently. What I would like to do, is add slightly more description, things like, what Akio looks like, what his place looks like, and a bit more about what the characters are feeling. I understand your point about letting readers use their imaginations, but when I read your story, Akio had black hair and dark eyes. He was normal height and weight and wore a white shirt and black pants. He had no personality at all.If you agreed to letting me add some stuff, of course I would ask you for those kinds of descriptions. I would not want this to be anything other than your work. Adding description doesn't necessarily mean adding hundreds of words. You do an awesome job of Suguru's and Akio's feelings, but not so much of anyone else's. I think at least Sakano needs some time.

One thing I might do that you may not like so much would be to fix up some of the stuff the main characters say. I believe Teff is right in that they are pretty OOC. Now I understand your point in your response, but the fact is, even if we're deviating from Ms Murakami's storyline, we still need to stay true to her characters personalities.

Another thing I'd like to do, if you agreed to my ideas, would be to change the perspective. What I mean is that instead of present time (I don't know what it's called), I'd like to do it in- never mind, I'll give you an example:

Suguru looks at him for a minute ' He doesn't seem to be dangerous or want to hurt me.' "Ok lets go get something to eat."

Akio smiles and they walk to go eat.

I'd like to change to

Suguru looked at him for a minute. 'He doesn't seem to be dangerous or want to hurt me,' He thought. "Ok, let's go get something to eat," he said.

Akio smiled and they went to go eat.
I believe this would make the story run more smoothly.
I would be willing to change your previous chapters to this perspective if you agreed to it.

I think that's mostly what i wanted to ask, and by the way, I went and read all the posted reviews, wow some people are mean. Did they seriously think they could say all that crap and not give some kind of positive feedback or offer any help? Lame!
Please email me back, and tell me whether you're interested in any of my ideas, or even just me being your Beta. I'm willing to Beta any stories you have, not just this one, although I will admit this one has my interest. I love Suguru, and I really want to find out what happens to him in your story.

Kelli
PS I tried to email you this but the email you have on your pages doesn't work. Just wanted to know if you were aware of this
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From ANON - Ariko on January 21, 2006
I read the March 3rd notice you put up. At first I thought it was quite unfair of that reviewer saying such things about your fanfic. But, then again it IS an opinion.

I soon read your fanfic. My goodness. It was just as Teff's review stated! It's poorly written. I read the entire fanfic so that way I won't judge way too quickly. It's really plain. By "plain" I mean there are definitely not enough adjectives. Your response to Teff's review as quote four: "I don�t like being too descriptive because then people don�t have to use their imagination as much, besides to many adverbs and adjective mucks up a story."
How plain. Adjectives actually help the reader imagine the story. Of course you don't want to overload the fanfic with adverbs and adjectives but it would REALLY improve the story. It creates a picture inside the readers' mind to aid the envisionment.

Your responses to the reviewer Teff in quote one: "The word is spelled grammar not grammar. Looks like your spelling needs a bit of brushing up."
Sorry to break it to you, but "grammar" IS spelled "grammar" of course. Looks like YOU could brush up on your spelling too. What you meant you type was,
"The word if spelled grammar, not grammer." There are ALOT of commas! Too many.

This story reminds me of a play. It TELLS all of the characters' actions. Show, don't tell. At least describe it a bit. It won't kill you now would it?

In your response to quote three: "I have tried to get a beta reader. Regardless of what many people think, they aren�t that easy to find. Also, I have checked over my grammar with a grammar checker. As well as doing the same with a spell checker. It�s not like I just through this thing together and uploaded it."
I think you meant the word, "throw" not "through" you know. Cheese and Rice! Your spell checker must be outdated or something because words like "becnervnervous" and "franticallyuggluggles" in chapter five just escapes the spell checker. There are many other spelling mistakes in other chapters too such as: "hek" (which is at the ending of chapter seven); "throu" from chapter eight. There are even more. If you can recognize the spelling mistakes of others, then why not check your own spelling and grammar? I highly suggest you at least read your own chapters and make sure it's okay to upload.

Sorry I can't go on for days right now. Feel free to criticize me. Flame me if you like. I muse at all critique and flames all the while laughing at them. Few words of advice though: If doing so as to respond to this review, be sure to ACTUALLY make sure you spell correctly. Don't forget to check your grammar as mentioned above. Oh, and don't take anyone's review too personally. That's just plain childish. Again, remember that this IS a person's OPINION. If you can't handle constructive criticism, good luck. You don't like the review? Fine. Good for you.

Ah, by the way, I agree with Atticus. "It wouldn't be suprising if I saw my own review up since it seems you take delight in picking on other peoples grammar instead of using the good time to fix yours."
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From ANON - Pandorazellas on December 12, 2005
Woot! Sakano is gonna kick some ass! *cheers for Sakano*

Poor Suguru, i hope Sakano does rip his balls off and feeds them to him ^^

can't wait to read more

*gives you a cookie*
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From ANON - Atticus on November 10, 2005
It actually amused me greatly that you insulted the first reviewer yet when I read your fanfic it was just as poor as the guy described. Your own "I"s are not capitolized, you have way to many commas and frankly, it was so poorly contructed that I couldn't even finish the first chapter. I am the first one to admit that my own grammar is poor and usually I would not comment on someones writing abilities but since YOU brought it up first with insulting that reviewer and I had to add my opinion. He (or she, doesnt really matter) was quite accurate in his assesement-> You do need to freshen up on your spelling and grammar. So if I could give you one piece of advice, take down that reivew in the beginning. It doesnt help your case, just makes you look like an arrogant, childish, foolish kid who is trying to act like a punk. It really doesnt make anyone want to read your story. It wouldn't be suprising if I saw my own review up since it seems you take delight in picking on other peoples grammar instead of using the good time to fix yours.

Please grow up kid, we have enough idiots in the world. Don't add to them.
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From ANON - Silverone on March 15, 2004
OOh my! Poor Suguru. Gosh, that Akio is messed up. I really like the idea of a Sakano/Suguru pairing.
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From ANON - cori on March 07, 2004
well i read the march third thing and just wanted to say if you feel that you still need a beta reader i love the beta read. love it. i think im a beta reader for3 to 5 other people right now ^_^ now.. on to read the story!
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From ANON - Teff on March 02, 2004
The idea is pretty good. Yet, the way you went about writing it is not so good. Your grammer needs some brushing up. Also i think you should watch or reread Gravitation once again to get a true idea of the way the characters act. All of the characters, especially Eiri Yuki, are extremly out of character.

Maybe, you should get a beta reader and have him/her check for grammer mistakes. Also maybe you could use some more description to flesh out all those one liners and let things progress a bit more slowly. Suguru fell in love too quickly and it just seemed improbable. You could of stated what little things about Akio attracted Suguru. I hightly doubt Suguru would fall in love with someone justauseause they asked him out. Also if Akio really wanted revenge he wouldnt have progressed things so quickly. Another thing, you could of delayed Akio's true intentions so as not to ruin the plot for readers.

Despite all this, I must give you kudos on the plot idea. Its actually very well thought out and plausible. [Except, i think naming the brother Kyuichi is in bad taste and shows lacking of creativity]

Good luck with the rest of the fic.
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From ANON - Anya on February 15, 2004
Thanx for returning with a new chapie!!!! It's really good & I love Sakano the way he changed...really handsome...*grins*& yummy....
Best Wishes, XD
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From ANON - LadyMoon on February 15, 2004
Nice chp. Can't wait to see what happens next. Update soon. ^^
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From ANON - Anya on February 08, 2004
Wow, splendid!!! It's vengeance!!! I love it!!!
Come back soon, K?
Best Wishes, XD
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From ANON - Anya on January 31, 2004
More????
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From ANON - anonymous reader on January 30, 2004
What a thrilling yet depressing story! I love the "page-turning" plot! Good job, fantastic!
Keep on writing! Can't wait for the updates!
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From ANON - LadyMoon on January 27, 2004
I love this story! Please up update soon. ^^
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From ANON - Anya on January 26, 2004
Hey!!! Don't stop at that!!!!!! Who's that person????!!!!!!!
By the way, YOU UPDATED!!!!! GOOOOOD.
Keep going & don't forget to update soon!!!
I missed you!!!
Best Wishes, XD
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From ANON - Anya on November 28, 2003
Yes, you pasted another part!!! It was very good, though how could you stop at that naughty moment??? Hope, you'd be back soon.
Best Wishes. XD
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