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Reviews for Feathers On the Wind

By : jemstone5

From LilMonk on October 17, 2004
I've read one chapter of this before it was revised, and could not bring myself to read further. Keeping in mind that this was probably your first work for any type of writing, be it fanfiction or otherwise, it's normal.
Unfortunately, I read one chapter of your latest work posted in 2/2004 and although there's a slight improvement in grammar and punctuation i.e more proper usage of question marks, the same flaws are still present.This pertains to this piece of revised work and that piece as well.
Lacking in accuracy where the many facts (scientific and normal) are concerned. Chemistry can't be forced unless you develop a proper plot to get there. Kale is not quite an original character, she's too much of a highly cliched Mary Sue. I won't start on Aceline. Honestly, it's virtually impossible to understand how D would fall for such a character (much less stay with her) who constantly faints, throws fits and is really... weak. In more ways than one. You do have ideas, but you have to work much more on expressing them in a better way. Do more research while you're writing.
This is fan fiction which allows one to get fantasies across, but even the fantasies written by Weis and Hickman, or Terry Pratchett have something in common. They understand that there has to be some semblance of realism in there, because it would take a miracle for the audience to suspend total disbelief without that. We all have different standards, whether we are fan fiction writers or published authors. Needs to be more succinct, some sentences are redundant because they just repeat the previous sentence without any real paraphrasing.
English... the grammar, punctuation, spelling is still very much in need of improvement. Even with your beta checker, it's still half-polished. You need to revise the basics of english again, or trykingking with another writer who can cover up your weaknesses. Although writers can k thk the normal conventions of usual writing styles, it should be attempted only if you have sufficient skill and proficiency. Eg. being Sue Townsend, author of the Adrian Mole diaries. Stick to the normal style, attempting anything vaguely Shakespeare-ish (like in the last chapter of this fic) or Bridget Jones-like at this point won't benefit you or your audience.
If you wish to disregard the above, make sure your disclaimers include mentions of taking excess liberties witaracaracters and science. Then it makes a lot more sense.
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From ANON - sesshouchick on April 26, 2004
That was an awesome story. It had everything and the lemon was real Juicy :) Keep up the excellent work my friend
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From ANON - Lustdemon on October 27, 2003
I'll give you this, at least you know where to find the enter key, a lot of writers I've been cing ing lately don't. The spelling and such I can overlook, cause you've worked hard on it, I can tell. I like the story, even if Kale is a bit um... *sweatdrops* I dunno how to put this nicely... *thinks* she's original and... *blush* a bitch. No offense, she's got her reasons and alt sht she's still a bitch...
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From ANON - Unholydragoon on July 08, 2003
heya. Just thowing down the reviequeequest. What happened to yer site, did ye close it down? If so, email me with yer stories, if that is okay. I always enjoyed them, even back on FF.net
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From ANON - Namek Kaia on July 06, 2003
Sorry to take up more space on your review page, but I couldn't help but to make comments on the other reviews. I was rather confused when most of then were noting you to use your spellcheck (which I really don't believe in because of the ever-popular homophone problem). You either must have fixed most of the errors or wrote the story in such a way that I was in too deep to even notice grammer, which is very possible with me considering this story. But like I've stated before, I love your form of writing, and didn't think it was too choppy to flow correctly. Even the highest paid writers don't solely stick to the proper English form or writing. It's good to be different, which is exactly what this is. You wrote the dialogue how people actually speak. We all know that hardly anyone speaks in the correct sentence form. Your writing form is realistic, and that's one of the things I liked most about it. Anyways, overall, you write great and still have room for some improvement. And the only way to do that is write more!! So let's see it, huh?

By the way, aside from writing and reading fanfiction, I do some betaing too. If you don't already have someone to beta and are interesting in letting me help, I'd be more than happy to. ^^ Just email. And as before, can't wait to read more from you!!
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From ANON - Namek Kaia on July 06, 2003
Great story!! :D I've been meaning to read more VHD fics, but most I had searched through were mostly all the same. So when I discovered this site, the summary to this story immediately caught my attention. And I got a lot more than I had expected. Your plot was well thought out and your writing described everything so that I could see just about everything about the scene in my head without having to add in things myself. I love when writers are descriptive. Besides that, your characteration of D was amazing. You put him in a romantic situation without losing any of his character, which is difficult to do. Most of all, I love the whole background story of Kale. When you first introduced her, it seemed she was too of pof place, like she was her own version of a Mary Sue. But soon enough, she took on such a unique personality with such extraordinary qualities that it didn't seem so "mary sue-ish" anymore. By the end, (well, before that really) I loved her character and was hoping for a happy ending for I a I absolutely loved how you linked the far past and the present in this story. Very well thought out on your part and that's always wonderful to see in the fanfiction world. Your writing is great and your imagination is the kind of something I always love to see put to good use. If you have a sort of mailing list for updates and such, I'd love to be on it. I can't wait to read more from you.
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From ANON - P-chu on May 28, 2003
Did your beta just go over spelling and grammar, or did they fix all the plot, science, and characterization as well?
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From ANON - jemstone5 on May 17, 2003
Ok. Threats i don't like, and another thing, they're illegal. So i deleted them. Hey, my story, i can do that. :P Constructive advice, I like, it shows real thought in the responces.

One of the reviews had sd, (d, (sorry I removed it because it wasn't kind) that my story was only my personal dreams put into story, or something to that effect. Well i ask you, why do people write? If not to express their hopes, dreams, aspirations, and so on, than why? Is there any LAW that states i CAN NOT write the way i do?

On a better note. I am waiting for my beta reader to return the final chapter updates and fixes. This story will then be updated, and checks will be given to the second story, and so on.

If there are those of you who do not want to read the second story, than don't. If you're upset about there only being 2 authros in this category, then by all means, post some of your work, or direct other aus tos to this site. Heck i'm not stopping you.

In the mean time, please remember that this is a work of fiction, imagination, and it's based on a fictional character anyway. Some of you people sound like I'm putting a REAL person in this story, for crying out loud. Me get a life? What about those who had left the threatening reviews in the first place? I thiney aey are the ones who need a life.

Have a nice day all, and happy browsing.
jem
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From ANON - Starherd on May 04, 2003
There's something I want you to know:
Though I do agree with some of what others have said here (about too heavy a reliance on a spellchecker
and not enough on proof-reading for words that sound alike, grammer, etc.), I believe that you should write/post more of your work. It's obvious (to me, at least) that this is a first/early writing attempt, and it would need a lot of proof-reading and researching to make it work well, but I find it quite endearing. Though you need to write more so that you get better, I'd also like to see you write more because even in this story, you display a definite spark of imagination. There are concepts and scenes here that really stick in my head, and you have a good idea of how a story should be put together (better than some perfectly good *published* authors, I might add). I honestly could not stop reading until I'd read all that was here, difficult as it was with the grammar, etc. problems.

I want to see you continue to write, and get better, and I wanna read the results!

And yes, you have created quite a Mary Sue (that is, an original character who is a little *too* close to the author, such that their motivations/emotions/descriptions become spotty and their abilities/importance to a plot a little *too* powerful/usefully coincidental). But, unlike many here, I have nothing at all against Mary Sues, because that's how I got my start in writing, too. They're very often a beginning stage for very good authors. When dealing with original characters, all of us begin writing fanfic by placing ourselves in a story/with a character we like, after all; it's when we learn to make that self-insert very different from ourselves and still believable that we've improved. (But then, whole papers have been written on the difference between a Mary Sue and a well-written original character...)
Anyway, as you continue to read and write, you'll get a better grip on how to write original characters in fanfiction, too. So don't give up!!!

...And above all, maintain the ability to laugh at yourself. When you've improved, possibly in a few years, you'll be able to look at this story again, and there will be things in it that will make you laugh. This is part of why it's so endearing to me... :-)
Anyway... don't hate the person who MSTed you, either. I've found that those dedicated enough to rip on something usually have a great deal of affection for the thing they're ripping on...
That MST author is not entirely qualified (or perfect), or entirely funny, either... but, just so you know, I was reading *that* version when I couldn't stop reading, and it sure wasn't because of the frequently lame humor. I'm very glad to see the real version here to stand next to the mirror. ;-)

I'd offer to beta for you, but I really don't have that kind of time anymore... I'll have a baby to look after in a few months :-P
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From on April 06, 2003
I really love this story!!! Keep up the good work!!!!
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From ANON - lordanur on April 05, 2003
WOW i love it it is wonderful perfect great. sequel needed i love them as a cupple
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From ANON - Bob on February 18, 2003
If yuo need a beta, why not use the MST that's posted? Mr. Larch seems to know his high scool bio and most of te time the MST isn't an MST as much of a C & C.

Not that it's all that funny. I don't know why there's a 'No offense toward the original author' on the summary. MST's aren't meant to bash authors and there isn't anything in there that does insult the author.

For instance :

'another WHAT shook the ground?'

is very much a C&C comment.

'We should know, we're from california' is a dumb joke.

As was mentioned before, there's also a 'resources' section here, too.
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From ANON - Devil Duckey on February 18, 2003
I was going to ask oyu to spellcheck this, but apparently that's your problem. I agree with Josie, that it's a homonym problem.

Personally I can't make much of a judgement on this because I skimmed the first chapter. I couldn't get trough the first few chapters. I was really confused and bored.

I skimmed to Kale, who seems rather bitchy (I agree with Josie. I doubt a spellchecker can fix an OC)

Like I said, I don't have much to say, but I think it does need some overall fixing.
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From ANON - Bob on February 18, 2003
Just because you put this through the spellchecker, that doesn't mean this is a readable story. I pretty much figured you relied on the spellchekcer to do all your work and left it at that.

I KNOW you spellchecker, but I STILL can't read it! IT's too BAD, and too BORING.

You need to beta, you need to retry, retype, redo, whatever. This draft doesn't work.

Please no more. Fix this one before you post anymore.

PS: Have you tried dictionary.com for correct spelling of symbiot?
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From ANON - Josie on February 18, 2003
Just because you ran it through the spellchekcer doesn't eve everything's spelled right. You used 'accept' instead 'except' all the time. Using a word's homonym doesn't make the story clearer, it makes it worse.

Also, it's not spelspellchecker. It's the grammar, the execution, the plot, and especially he science. If oyu don't know first aid, look it up, there's a million websites.

Anyway, I strongly advise geting that beta reader. Try the resources section here. I just hope you can find one who can put up with Kale. She's a rather unlikable character.

If your other stories are as 'polished' as this one, please don't bother to post them.

PS: symbiote, with an E is the correct spelling. 'sym' isn't a word.
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