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Reviews for Traitors Embrace, Inhuman Creation

By : sadsally
  • From ANON - Paranoid on August 04, 2004
    Where to begin. How about with names? Proper nouns? Always capitalize your charcaters names.

    Second, always capitalize the begining of your sentences. Use puncuation, please. It is difficult to tell when one character quits speaking and the next one begins.

    Third. You wrote "a huge coven, several witches" Which is it? A huge coven or just several witches causually hanging out?

    Fourth, Nigira is a wisympsympathizer. Why would he help hunt witches?

    Fitfh, electric waves? Could you give more info on this please?

    Six. Why have you made Tish so utterly ignorant? How could anyone not understand losing someone, no matter how long ago it was? The Japanese do not put up with arogance such as this at all. Conformity is the rule.

    Seventh. Amon is out of character, desperately so. Yes, I understand he has underlying emotions, but he would never cry himself to sleep. Nor would Michael."his inner voice screamed to him." Amon is not the type to scream, even internally.

    So this witch has been linked with hundreds of murders in Japan alone. Not including the mulitude of murders around the world. So why the heck is this person still alive? She can not be new to Japan and have " been linked to hundreds of murders even more world wide,". You are contradicting yourself here.

    Nine. Is Phoenix the leader of a coven or not? "she is not a coven leader" "she and her coven" ", a witch and her coven by the name of the phoenix" So is the coven named Phoenix?

    Ten. Gah! "the exact number of both covens is unknown. Phoenix is estimated to have around twenty with her, and two smaller branches led by her second and third in command, Benicio numbers did range in the thousands but now no more then two hundred” This sounds to me like a pretty exact number.

    Eleven. "my poor grand daughter, I do not remember you being at her funeral" "but you didn’t see her body, no one has found it” Michael said with hope." So which is it?

    Look, try working in Word then copy and paste latter. Most spelling and puncutation can be caught using it.

    Do you read over your things before posting? Continuancy and clarity make a story flow. Look for a beta who can help.

    Good luck.


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