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Reviews for Gravitition

By : Shiba
  • From ANON - Youkai Dreams on October 24, 2005
    Hello there!
    I (obviously) read your story, and I've decided to review (for better or worse).

    First off, I'm not sure this story is written well, in fact, I'm sure it isn't. You have a massive amount of grammar, spelling, punctuation, pagragraphing, and language usasge errors. A few rules you should set for yourself:

    1) Language Usage. In general narration, do not use slang, or mis-spell words. In dialogue, it is all right to do so, but spell the words right. Example: in some places you have "K," and "kool." The dialogue itself does not need to be formal, but the way you spell the words do need to be so. This is very bad grammar, and you should consider revising. In some instances, it is ok to have things like "cooool!" (although it is better to just put "cool"), but do not spell it like "kooool!" That is clearly un-acceptable.

    2) Paragraphing. When paragraphing sentences and such, you need to start a new paragraph when a new subject is disgusted. Also, start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. I'm not sure if this is a rule or not, but you really should only have one thought or spoken sentence in a paragraph unless they go together really well, like the second sentence is a continuation, or justification of the last spoekn (or thought) sentence.

    3) Repeating. In some cases, you've un-necssarily repeated things such as: Shuichi asked him what's wrong. "What's wrong?" he asked. In reality, you only needed the "Shuichi asked him what's wrong," and nothing else. That's enough to tell us that he's asked what's wrong, so you don't need to actually show him saying "what's wrong." Repeated phrases are very annoying, and you shoud avoid them completely unless it is very necessary.

    4) Punctuation. This almost goes along with language usage, but this is a little different. In some cases, you have things like "im" and "ive," and you need to put the puntuation (and capitalize the "i's), or just change it to "I am," or "I have." Also, you are missing an extensive amount of comma's, and such.

    5) Spelling. This still is apart of language usage, but that was more deliberate, and these seem more accidental. Generally, you have things like "alot," (which is spelled "a lot"). I think you should spell-check this before you post, or ave an editor note and correct these errors for you. I would be more than happy to correct this for you if you will it. My email is Youkaidreamz@Yahoo.Com. Just email me requesting that I edit it (or whatever), and I'll see what I can do. Sound good? Of course, you don't have to. All of this is soley to your benefit.

    6) Characterization/plot. This isn't nearly as important as the others, and it isn't a rule or anything. I just wanted to point out that your characters are a little (more or less) ooc, and your plot seems a bit rushed and random. In my opinion, I think it will be a great deal better if you made the character's progress into the story a bit more. I can help you with that also if you desire that as well. Then again, you can completely ignore this :Þ.
    -Youkai Dreams

    PS- "Tats" is "Tatsuha Uesugi." Also, for your title, did you mean "Gravitation?" I was just wondering. Of course, since neither "Gravitation," nor "Gravitition" are words, it really doesn't make too much a difference. I was just wondering if that was deliberate or accidental.

    One more, I in no way, shape, or form had the intentions of "breaking" you when I wrote this. I only wrote these suggestions for the good of your writing, and the good of it only. If you feel down, or anything about anything I've said, don't sit there and pout! Do something about it. Consider the suggestions I've made, and think "hmm, will this really help me?" Trust me, I am a very nice person, and all I wish to do is help. Take care!
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  • From ANON - niniel on July 23, 2005
    Nice, but not every reader like when autor think about him like about an idiot - there's no need for things like "The Phone Call Conversation" or Shuichi's POV", more, things like this should not be in text - it's distraction for reader. Use only one POV in all text or give little hints whose POV it is, not a great note. Read some book and see how more experienced autors do that.
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  • From on July 23, 2005
    HAHA first reivew, anhoos, it was pretty cute lil sis. but lilke I said you repeated a part so you should go bac k and fix it, okey?
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