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Reviews for Early

By : HondoOokami
  • From RogueMudblood on September 09, 2012

    I know this piece is old, and you've probably procured a beta since you uploaded it, but I would be remiss if I did not point out some structural things that stood out to me in your story.

    Please pick a tense. You start out with Dawn has just broken. The sunlight slipped through the half closed blinds so immediately you're mixing tenses.

    You'll also want to be conscious of capitalizing after a comma. Throughout your dialogue pieces, you have capitalized common nouns.

    In regards to the sex, the fellatio seems to pass too quickly - you've practically got him started and finished in three sentences. Comparatively, you spend a great deal more time describing the cunnilingus.

    The vaginal penetration was thoroughly described, however, with regards to the anal penetration, he has in no way prepared her. Additionally, once he's turned her over, you have him penetrating her vaginally again. Without any type of cleansing, this could cause quite a number of health issues.

    Other than these things, I did find this an amusing diversion.

    Thank you for sharing!
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