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Reviews for Sinners

By : Stormborn Apostle

From the42jabberwocky on November 01, 2009
Okay, I've reached ch 15. And I desired to fight down the side of my brain that was getting distracted be all the steaminess. Here are some nitpick of your story that I think could use some work. My first nit pick is this, I think they keep saying they love each other too often. If they really share the bond that they do, and they really do love each other that much, they shouldn't have to keep saying it every time they can. I know their situation is perilous, but when you are bonded that closely, sending the feelings over the bond as often as they feel the need to say it, should be enough. I also dislike the fact of how you keep rubbing in our faces that Gardevoir is weak against dark types. All Slash has to do is save a lot of money for these TMs, and I'm pretty sure that good old Psy can use them. Focus Blast for darks/steels (both are weak to it), Shadow Ball for ghosts, reflect and light screen to up defenses, and just in case it doesn't learn them naturally, hypnosis and dream eater. Yes It doesn't have a counter for bugs, but bugs aren't immune to psychics, and Gardevoir's special attack stat is extremely high, higher than lugia's too I believe. And since this in real life, you aren't limited to four moves like in the games. So yea, that's my nitpick and rant, now to continue reading, I'll try not to seem so self absorbed next time, I'm not used to this site yet. Think of it this way, at least I don't ask where the other pokemon are, lol :P Catch you later.
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From ANON - the42jabberwocky on November 01, 2009
Despite the ominous words at the end of chapter 13 about tragic endings, I would really like it if the two of them ended up with a happy ending. An OC trainer I have has a Gardevior but they aren't connected like Slash and Psy. His...can't remember the word, is a magneton, and a powerful one. But anyway, a happy ending would be pleasing, in so many ways. It's so late right now I can't think of what to say other than your story is really good and tugs at my heartstrings. Your sexual scenes aren't vulgar either which gives you more happy point as vulgar sex pisses me off. So yea, keep it up, and I'm almost to the end of the first arc! Woot! Catch you later!
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From ANON - the42jabberwocky on October 31, 2009
Awe, the last line of the fic for chapter made me feel so sad inside, my heart actually hurt. Well done. I shall continue reading, most definitely.
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From ANON - the42jabberwocky on October 31, 2009
Awe, the last line of the fic for chapter made me feel so sad inside, my heart actually hurt. Well done. I shall continue reading, most definitely.
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From ANON - Dillon on July 05, 2009
Incredible! That is all, thank you.
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From Stormborn Apostle on April 21, 2009
J. Winter---Did you know that I (apparently) coined the term Garderotica? There were no Google or Yahoo hits for it before I started using it, anyway, heh. How fucked up is that? The portmanteau isn't exactly difficult to think of...in any case, everyone should keep using the term for story and chapter titles and make the internet tremble with awe and lust.

Yes, I do plan to heavily revise the earlier chapters. When I first wrote them, I was proud of them. Now, whenever I get reviews or e-mails saying how people loved the story from the start, my response is a sort of incredulous "really? are you sure?". So indeed, I'll be working on Arc 1 after finishing Arc 2, getting rid of inconsistencies, improving dialogue, ditching stupid ideas and adding good ones, and lengthening it a bit. I'll keep the original versions on my computer and e-mail them to anyone who wants them, though.

Incidentally, the shit is just about to hit the fan in the next chapter of Arc 2.

madaz75---Glad you like it. As mentioned above, it'll be a lot more pleasant after its overhaul.

The Daring Fool---I wouldn't really say Sinners panders to the faps-to-Gardevoir crowd. After all, it's certainly not PWP (some would argue there's way too much plot, in fact), and takes a good 13 chapters to get to the first lemon scene (ten, if one's not picky).

I agree that the relationship went too fast. My original plan was for Psymakio to remain a Kirlia for much longer, with a good deal of their early romantic relationship occurring in that stage (more than just a kiss), even some lemon (though the mating itself would still be with Gardevoir, for realism's sake). The overhaul I'm planning will flesh it out a little, showing the devotion of Ralts more clearly and detailing Kirlia going from seeing Slash as a father figure to a love interest.

As for the characters and their names, I explained it in previous review responses, but seeing that Arc 1 has over 700 reviews, I can't expect people to read through them all (I'm too lazy, myself). Slash Firestorm is a character mold I developed back in eighth grade (the previous millennium, to put it in perspective); the character has been used in numerous stories since, and while some of the core personality traits remain the same in each incarnation, the roles are very different. Slash has been a soldier in WWII who is captured, tortured, and finally breaks; he's been a preacher doubting his faith; he's been a demon who killed his "mate" in a fit of rage. Psymakio and Kiako, whose character molds have been around just as long, also fit into these varying stories, with Kiako serving as Slash's antagonist and Psymakio as a love interest (often caught between the two, in battle and romantically). Kiako was the interrogator that broke Slash and the devil proxy; Psymakio was the interrogator's wife and a nun. They're always a trinity, and I sometimes get a little meta with that idea.

As for the names, I have a hard time believing that anyone can complain about Slash Firestorm in a world full of elemental puns and Ash Ketchum (seriously). If anything the problem should be that Slash isn't exclusively using Fire-types. Psymakio also isn't Japanese; the name was thought of a long time ago simply because it sounded good (again, I was 13). When I was writing the part of the story where Slash names Gardevoir, I wanted a slightly better explanation for it, so I searched the internet for names sounding a lot like it (starting with Japanese, since it sounds like it would be), looking for one with a good definition, and got lucky with Miyako (and decided to use that name for the otherwise unnamed princess). Kiako is likewise a "it sounded good" name, and I have no idea if there's any meaningful names that sound close to it.

Incidentally, the Slash character has always represented something I don't want to be, rather than a self-insertion. Even when he gets a happy ending, his basic character mold leads him to do exceedingly terrible things to get it. The story in its entirety may serve as a sort of personal experiment (most authors end up doing that, though I hope to one-up Stephen King and never get into outright meta-fiction, just too damn confusing), but Slash always represents that dark and fallible side of life, Kiako always represents the malicious side, and Psymakio represents the myth of true love being easy or kind.
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From ANON - The Daring Fool on April 21, 2009
You know, coming into reading this as a Gardevoir fan (not of that nature, the one which Sinners actually panders to mind you), I was going to expect this fanfiction to be absolutely horrible, disgusting, etc. In truth, this work of fiction is surprisingly good, even though I still have my...issues with those kinds of Gardevoir fans. I was quite amazed at how well-developed the characters were, though I felt that the relationship between Slash and Psymakio developed a bit too fast, however understanding the very nature of the Ralts line, it's understandable. That's another thing that irked me, the names. Slash Firestorm? Psymakio? I have a hard time taking a protagonist named Slash Firestorm seriously. And Psymakio is just a Japanese? name sprinkled with a hint of unoriginality...or corniness, whichever suits you better. Other than that, it's not too terrible. Covering the issue with Slash a bit more: Why do I get the feeling that this is an author avatar/self-insert? I could be completely wrong, but I don't think having your author name as Slash Firestorm really helps either. He's not a terrible character, but it's just hard to discriminate the author and the character.

In short, it's well written, has well developed characters, but would it hurt to give Slash a different name?
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From madaz75 on April 08, 2009
A nice well developed story with good character development.
I very much enjoy reading all of it.
Keep up the fantastic work
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From zentillion on April 07, 2009
Aaaaand I've finished Arc 1. Fucking amazing, literally and figuratively. The lemon at the end of the arc, just amazing and beautiful. Oh, and of course, the inter- and re- actions with Watson and the Aquas, and most everything else... And no worries, I don't think you're being overly preachy with some of the characters' opinions.

Anyway, I'll read Arc 2 in the near future... While having smexiness is good, I'm also very interested in the shit hitting the fan, I have no doubts that's coming there.
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From zentillion on April 05, 2009
Chapter count is 13, I said I'd be back, didn't I?! The beautiful intricacies of forbidden love, angst and fluff going back and forth like a tree swaying in the breeze... Oh, and let's not forget that lemon. You've got a knack for it... But, anyhoo, this is good.

But I also know you're dissatisfied with it, and I'm willing to bet whenever you get to revising it, it'll be even better.

Another review will come at the end of my reading the arc. You can be sure of that.
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From zentillion on April 04, 2009
Started reading this story via recommendation via a story called Garderotica via random browsiing via... via... Okay, I'll stop being such a dork and move on. Though I'm only currently up to Chapter Nine (meaning I haven't gotten to the lemoniness yet), I find this a very refreshing and compelling tale, the characters and characterization are both top-notch, the action is invigorating, and I've loved the little twists (ohai, Giovanni) that permeate this story.

Expect another review when I finish a couple more chapters, more than likely when the lemon shows up. ...Speaking of which, I should review (already read it) the blowpop sidestory, but I'm out of time for today. Bummer.
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From Stormborn Apostle on February 26, 2009
Late replies are late.

dave---Glad you like it.

saint jimmy---It's nearing the two year mark and I'm nowhere near done with it yet.

Anon---Jirachism comes into focus later in the story, as Slash and Psymakio can't keep their secret forever. :'(

Nick---I certainly think the next arc is better than this one. I still intend to give Arc 1 a big ol' copyedit and partial re-write someday, if I get the time. The difference in my writing between chapter 1 and chapter 26 is enormous.
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From ANON - Nick on October 06, 2008
To quote a certain Brian Griffin: HOLY FREAKING GOD.

I just read this whole story, and needless to say, I have been fucking FLOORED by how awesome this story is!

I'm just about to start on Arc 2, and I'll just bet it's going to be just as, if not more, awesome than the first arc was!

I look forward to more of your work!
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From ANON - Anon on August 25, 2008
Loved the story, great! It was entertaining but I also liked themes you explored in the opening chapters. I'm going off to read part 2 right now! 5 Stars.
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From ANON - saint jimmy on July 08, 2008
fucking brilliant story well done. It has a very well written plot and is what the show should have been hope to see plenty more of this kind of works. well done
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