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Reviews for A Moment When Tension Breaks

By : AsukaAndShinjiForever
  • From LordSaturn on September 07, 2007
    Finally, I found a good lemon; pickings have been slim lately.

    Before I say anything else, I want to tell you up front, that I don’t want to be mean or overly critical. My intention is to help. You have potential and seem to be serious about writing.

    My first point is your formatting. You did a very good job. I only noticed a couple places where you had two characters speaking on the same line. Even then, it was short and easy to follow who was saying what. But you need to add spaces in-between lines, where appropriate.

    I think that you should have set up the scene a little more, about the circumstances. Why and how were they together? Apparently, Asuka and Shinji must have been swimming and then returned to his house or apartment. You don’t mention what Shinji is wearing but Asuka has a bathing suite on. Also, I don’t understand why Asuka would have soap on her breasts, if they haven’t gotten in the shower yet!

    Now for the sex stuff. I don’t know what your level of experience is and it’s none of my business. I just get the impression that you are fairly young. I like the fact that that you didn’t just scrunch them together and have them go at it like rabbits. They talked about it and went through stages. That, is realistic. But the mechanics need more work.

    An example is when, Shinji, stuck two fingers in her all at once…..that would have hurt like HELL! And it would have popped her cherry. The whole lovemaking thing was a little over done, but, I have done the same thing. I tend to be overly graphic, which is something that I’m working on.

    I recommend that you go to the writing tips section of this site. There is an article about erotic writing that is very good.

    I only have one story posted on this site at the moment and truthfully, it’s not my best work. But it is, a reasonably good example of the mechanics of sex. Also, it would let you get even with me for this review.

    I have better examples on Fan Fiction. If you are interested, send me an email and I will let you in on some great examples (my own work and others).

    Just like you, I batch delete a lot of SPAM, so put AFF and your pen name in the subject line. dale(at)kernelkorp(dot)com.

    You have a great story here and I’m looking forward to reading more of your work. Just don’t be afraid to rework your material; I have to do that all the time.

    Dale (AKA 94saturn)

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  • From Shinji on June 12, 2007
    Oh its you, Panty Raider here.

    i can't beleve you beat me to this, oh well.

    Well written and i didn't see many spelling or grammar errors so coolness.

    later
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  • From dave69812 on June 11, 2007
    Very good story so far now I'm on the hunt for girlfriend of steel and angelic day manga and or hentai
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  • From kamiyoni on June 10, 2007
    don't get your hopes up i didn't read the story, just a friend from EMF saying hi. if you want a hint on who this i leave you with one clue: Ritsuko
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