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Reviews for To Be Loved

By : Asuka
  • From LordVukodlak on December 02, 2007
    I'm not sure but I think Ikouji
    Is supposed to be Ryoji Kaji
    I agree with the above reviewer more descriptive points would improve this story greatly
    and that you have a good idea to work with.
    Report Review

  • From LordSaturn on November 30, 2007
    Ch-1

    The first thing that I want to say is that this review is not intended to be a flame. It appears that this is probably your first story and I’m going to offer some tough love in an honest attempt to help you. Don’t be discouraged writing takes practice.

    Use the shift key, ‘I’ not ‘i’ and watch out for capitalization.

    "fine then, i choose Ikouji!" Should be: “Fine then, I choose Ikouji!”

    Your formatting is pretty good, keep up the good work on that.

    Now the story itself. You came up with a unique idea in that Asuka is being married off by the adults governing her. That is not far fetched for Japanese culture, you’re on solid ground with that. But the chapter is too short to give the how and why of this scenario. Why did Gendo decide that his 14-year-old pilot should be married? In Japan a couple can marry at 16 with parental consent or 18 without it. Is this an alternant reality? Who is this Ikouji fellow?

    Before you try to write the next chapter you should go back to this one and take a good hard look at how to plug the holes and flesh it out. Never be afraid to rework material! All serious authors do it. Characterization and scene description are very important but like all things worth doing take practice.

    Typically I wouldn’t mention my stories in a review but I think two of them might help illustrate my point. I have one story on this site called Life Will Never Be The Same. It is one of my first and has been reworked a few times. It is a reasonable example of character development and scene description. I also suggest that you read the first two chapters of A glass of Wine on Fan Fiction, they involve a discussion between Misato and Asuka that is similar to what you have here and again have been reworked (they still need rework too).

    I think you have a great story idea here! I can just imagine the possibilities of Asuka going through guys (girls?) trying to find a mate before Gendo sticks her with someone she doesn’t like.

    For some reason my email address is being suppressed so I’ll give it to you here:

    dale@kernelkorp.com

    Dale (AKA 94saturn)

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