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Reviews for Sinners: Arc 2

By : Stormborn Apostle

From ANON - Hallation on November 08, 2008
I'm fairly certain The Shadow will not be a Pokemon at all.
Giratina would be the closest appropriation, but that would mean The Shadow is an outsider to this existence, when Slash has clearly stated it to be an incarnation of a fundamental grounding of reality: the form of destruction, that is.

Well, no, he has had gods and incarnates describe it as unnatural and disturbing, so it isn't Umbrae Incarna; but it may be the demiurge of Dark Pokemon anyway since that was implied through flashbacks. But if destruction and consumption isn't a founding of reality and an alien concept, than fuckall reality sucks.

(Of course, Giratina could just be Destruction Incarnate and have been outside of the universe (it DID have its origin in Arceus like it's two "brothers"); and/or simply unknown to the eternal Gods.)

Also Giratina's not a Dark pokermenz :U
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From on November 07, 2008
After reading Janus, I thought it was glaringly obvious to everyone that the two differently-sized creatures in Chapter 24 are Mew and Mewtwo. Guess not.

And I�ll take a stab at figuring out who the Shadow is. You seem like you�re dying to tell us, but I�ll try. It�s most likely a legendary, so that narrows down the field. It�s not Moltres, Zapdos, or Articuno. Mewtwo and Mew are elsewhere in the story. Entei, Raikou, and Suicune are not candidates, nor are Lugia, Ho-Oh, or Celebi. It�s not the Regis; those are the Princes from the ancient legend. Regigigas is the �King.� Not Latias, Latios, Groudon, or Kyogre. Rayquaza will appear in the story, but not as the Shadow, as will Jirachi. I�m discounting most Generation 4 Legendaries right off the bat. My three candidates are Deoxys, Giratina, and Darkrai. Did I win?

I didn�t mean to spoil anything if I did.

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From ANON - Hallation on November 07, 2008
Excellent chapter, I say. I'm sad it was rewrote to be lighter; I thrive on black, black stories.
(My favorite is Children of an Elder God, for future reference. Of course that doesn't get REALLY black until chapter 18 (arguably 17).)

Hmm. Other people may focus on other parts, but what I'm speculative about are the two Entities discussing "her". "Her" is obvious at this point to be Miyako, but what makes me think is "her" being stronger than at least one of "them".
Obviously they consider themselves relatively powerful, and that Miyako is somehow beyond them makes me wonder what exactly they could be. Considering how they seem to react about the world in relation to them, they act as if some fundamental force ala Great Ones, but if Miyako puts one of them to shame, I doubt so. Most Great Ones have Earth-revolting might, and Miyako was just a raging psychic storm in a jar. A lesser form of Mew(two)'s nigh-reality-reworking capabilities. So these discussing entities, not being Great Ones, but fundamental players in the fate of the world (to the point of considering contacting two of the "Trinity")... I can't think of a name for them, but they'll be team #24. Why 24? Because I'm certain there are enough bloody teams in this game of 4-dimensional Xanatos Hypercheckers to get that high. So team 24, while holding relatively immense personal power, and enough knowledge of general goings-ons to consider that their pieces may at least help another team. They seem to be allied to the general favor of our titular Sinners, though.
I'm not trying to think anything up; as their nature draws a blank for me (how can one be a fundamental power yet not hold true power? Lord over a concept? But Touhou shows that even the weakest concepts can have prowess...), I'm just trying to organize the list of Chekhov's Rifle's you've set up. Thinking about opening a retail Chekhov's Armament line?
However, as with EVERY epic writer, even Tolkien, you'll have a failing in that you couldn't POSSIBLY fire all of them. But will you have an Sinpendixes section? (The Sinnerlarion maybe?)
Wonder how long it'll take just to fire a nominal amount, even including the veritable endless torrent of Chekhov's firearms you're laying on us seemingly just for the hell of it.

Also, to your mentioning of "Who judges things to be selfish or selfless"...
Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, Lord of Souls? :p
(More legit; perhaps Mew, Lord of Empathy?)
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From ANON - jpspike411 on November 06, 2008
oh man. if that was the light version of the slash miyako meeting then i'm seriously curious about what the darker version was like. but it's still awesome, however i do have a question, what happened to miyako? did she like vanish, ascend, or just leave slash's mind? i'm probaly just missing the context of the chapter or just stupid but im curious. anyway, i love the chapter and eagerly waiting for the next one. hehe.
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From Stormborn Apostle on November 06, 2008
Xain---Glad you find it worth the wait, lol. I will not take so long for the next installment (which will finally have Flannery meeting up with Slash and Psymakio).

Imasuky Lomae---I've never written an insane character before, and I think it shows...I've certainly read a lot better crazy in other novels (Jack Torrence in The Shining being my holy grail)...but I think I did fairly well for an insanity-virgin. XD

Legacy26---Happy that you think so. In retrospect, I think it's good that it was so long (second longest chapter so far), since the wait was likewise very long...

wolfsilverlight1---Like many things, the real parent-child bonding won't really be exposed until AFTER the cataclysm in Fallarbor, since everyone will be too busy blowing stuff up/dodging being blown up to sit down and play with Cacnea. The whole "I'm a sucky father" thing was to say that Slash wants to be closer (like Psymakio is---natural mommy, though I suspect she'll spoil him rotten if Slash doesn't toughen up) before I get the chance to actually do so. After chapter 26, there will be some quiet and relatively safe downtime before the Arc ends.

RoboRed---In the original version, Miyako beat the living hell out of Psymakio until she was forced to flee and leave Slash to her desires (with Slash playing the role of memory-transfer). But, along with the much creepier stuff (Miyako damn near BEING a succubus and dominating his mind fully until Psymakio's failed attempt to stop her), that just seemed too disturbing an ending. Having Psymakio crying and thinking herself a cowardly, shitty mate for fleeing was just too much of a downer...

As it is, the beginning of 25 will show that, while Psymakio managed to fix most of Slash's mind, there is still lasting damage; Miyako locked several previously unlocked doors to break his mind, and Psymakio had to essentially force them open, causing her own damage. This will have an unfortunate consequence in 25, when Slash is put in a situation where it is VERY tempting to release his rage, and the usual "don't be a fucking moron" system isn't fully intact...

Angel is...damaged. Considering that she's a part of Psymakio, she isn't irreplaceable, but she's not going to appear in Slash's mind the next night all happy and healthy. Can't say more without spoilers.

Vyers---She will return, although the exact state she'll be in might not be pretty...or it might be...I'm not telling, lol (though I do know, bwahahaha). Also, seemingly random differently-sized telepathy-talkers are actually absurdly important to the plot (at least one of them is), though they won't make a personal appearance for a while.

If I said that they've already been mentioned in the story, it should become obvious. Heh.

Satoku---The concept of corruption IS somewhat similar, although it can only come about through long-term exposure to the veil of the Shadow or long-term and unnatural use of Dark powers. Physical signs of corruption will begin showing in the next chapter on poor ol' Slash (though the development of the telltale physical sign only shows so early due to the veil's presence). Fully corrupted humans appear the same as normal humans (though they lose their sanity), although Pokemon can undergo chaotic Phazon-like physical mutation. Unfortunately, this isn't as conveniently-biologically-feasible as LOOK I GLOW AND CAN ONLY BE SHOT WHEN USING THE X-RAY VISOR; most mutation eventually proves fatal, as it's more like a cancer than super-awesome-radioactive-powers, with the random teeth and eyes appearing ANYWHERE in the body, along with lumps of useless body mass that crowd out other systems. A later look at the end days of the old Kingdom will show that if the sealing hadn't occurred, all the corrupted creatures would have soon died anyway (the Shadow's goals are utterly nihilistic; it doesn't give a shit about making followers).

I agree with you about the staleness. This was another chapter where stuff HAD to be said, but there was really no good way to do it in an interesting fashion (especially since a lot of it is "I don't know" shit). Saibara I'm not too worried about, since he's going to...um...well, let's just that he isn't going to be Watson. I was actually considering having a fistfight break into their tent to interrupt the talking, but it looked too...fucking stupid when actually written, lol.

I only enjoy writing long dialogue when it involves lovey stuff, chaotic stuff "holy shit this is/going to be/has previously been fucking crazy", and when it's between two characters that I give a damn about, lol. I think it shows...

Incidentally, I DO intend to re-write the first ten chapters (something that was supposed to happen some time ago before I was pestered into going back to writing and never going on my "non-Sinners writing spree"). The quality difference is just too fucking noticeable, thanks in large part to my huge-ass delays leading to me developing my skills at a normal rate while my updates plods along. Some chapters I like---the first one I don't think I'll change much, if at all---but some (the floating Carvanha scene would NEVER have happened if I hadn't just gotten off a huge run of Mystery Dungeon, and it WILL NOT STAND) will be completely re-written. Won't be too hard, considering their length, lol.

If there's any purists out there ("zomg, we LIKE seeing the development for some reason"), don't worry...nothing plot-wise will CHANGE, just...be written better and become more detailed. No Greedo shooting first or anything (what would the equivalent of that be? Psymakio's mother and siblings launching a random attack on a nearby den of Poochyena? How wrong would THAT be?), lol.

Max---No Jesus in this story. Which will make the Christmas oneshot as...different as the Valentine's one was (LESBIAN MAGIC FISH WITH THE POWER OF LOVE!). Glad you like it even with the aforementioned "STOP FUCKING TALKING ALREADY" moments.

Cerebrate Fate---Nah. I should be putting the finishing touches on the first draft before Thanksgiving, assuming the sex scene in 25 doesn't distract me. XD

It shouldn't, considering that it's short and only existing to have a sad moment at the end of it, nothing crazy, lol. Well, not lol, but :'(

david---The sex wasn't even made to be hot, just...passionate. More like obsessed (except the mating, which was kept short and non-naughty so as not to distract). But whatever floats your boat---next long sex scene probably in 28 (oh god, that must seem so far away for y'all, lol), where it'll be...an important event.

Sinners really hasn't gotten too dark yet...the fact that Slash obviously won't die prevents it from being too serious, though I suppose the fact that it WILL NOT BE REVERSED must leave some of you wondering what the fuck WILL happen...it'll probably seem pretty obvious once it actually happens, like the Cacnea incident. The next few Arcs will feature major character death (of characters who didn't get introduced post-death), some rather dark torture, an exponentially-destabilizing Kiako, Giovanni beginning to acquire nuclear technology of his own, and---oh yeah---the Shadow making a personal appearance.

You know, despite it being obvious (to me, anyway) what the Shadow is, I'm shocked no one has mentioned it in the reviews yet. Do y'all have some sort of unspoken conspiracy agreement or something? I won't actually confirm a theory unless multiple people are supporting it...
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From ANON - david on November 05, 2008
i'm loving this. came for the sex, stayed for the grimdark and story.
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From ANON - Max on November 05, 2008
Another chapter posted, and the world rejoiced!

Seriously, awesome stuff in this one... Jesus.

I would elaborate, but I don't think I could get more truthful than that sentence.

I eagerly await moar :D
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From Satoku on November 05, 2008
The black ghost goo on everyone felt kinda Metroid-y to me.

One complaint, though. Some of the dialogue near the beginning and middle of the chapter is rather stale. The conversation with Saibara, especially, could use some spicing up. I understand that Slash needs to know some things, but just asking questions and getting paragraph long blocks of chat sounds like an interview they'd print in a magazine. Siabara didn't have much of a distinctive personality, I guess, so the conversation just droned. Also some of your dialogue in earlier chapters could use a little work, too, so if you're ever going back to do rewrites then I'd suggest checking over your dialogue.

The memory/illusion part, on the other hand, was spectacular, and your sex scenes are superb, as always. Perhaps you wrote the flashbacks on a different day than the Siabara conversation? Or maybe some scenes are simply more fun to write than other scenes.

Also, SERVERS ARE DOWN, LETS PLAY PADDLE BALL! I need sleep to, AFF :(
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From RoboRed on November 05, 2008
"While proofing chapter 24 of Sinners, I realized something bad about the Miyako-Slash sequence.
It's fucking CREEPY.
Like, not a little creepy, as I was intending. Like, fucking batshit insane, over the deep end creepy. Like I could see her killing Slash without so much as a pause and raping his body."

Holy shit...THAT was proofed? Dude...I shudder to think of what it might have been like unedited...that would reach into the levels of incomprehensible insanity...like, way beyond "Joker Insanity", and that's already crazy enough the way it is.

And at the same time, I laugh evily. Oh yes I do. Very much so.

Also at the same time, I wonder what it would be like to lose one's mind.

I wonder what's going to happen to Angel? Personally, I don't think she's really dead. There's got to be more to it than that.

Great job, Slash. *thumbs up*
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From wolfsilverlight1 on November 04, 2008
Lemme see...just...wow. Another well written work. I especially like the part where Psymakio goes from intelligent to...well, motherish. I know because I've seen my wife and myself do that a lot ^ ^.

I'll gladly look forward to the last chapter of the last arc being posted when my second child graduates from college. :)

Keep up the great work.
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From ANON - Legacy26 on November 04, 2008
wow.. just plain out wow, it was worth the wait, well worth the wait.
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From Bishonen on November 04, 2008
I could leave a ten page review about how much I loved this chapter but I'll just say one word...

Bravo

Because it's cooler that way

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
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From xain34 on November 04, 2008
Takes a breath now.*

I'M ALIVE! Just been holding my breath this entire time...I think my heart stopped...*Colapses.*
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From Stormborn Apostle on November 04, 2008
david---Glad you like it, lol.

Cerebrate Fate---It's here now, so bwahahaha

Yep.
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From Stormborn Apostle on November 04, 2008
ssbn732---The depressing stuff may hurt, but my goal is to make everything emotional, not just the happy stuff. Some of my favorite stories have sad endings...hopefully this story won't have one, too, but if it does...well, it'll still be one hell of an ending.

ConcernedReader---Heh, I know, I know. The second you start taking ED seriously, the sooner you venture into the realm of insanity. Glad you like the story. :-D

RoboRed---Warrior Gardevoir is hawt.

Imasuky Lomae---Um...better late than never? :'(

CrazyIvan---To stab is simple. To kill is not.

I answer your long review with a profound-sounding one-liner because I am sleepy, lol. Yeah. Still, I must remember to explain my Dark Tower theory of how a Supergod Roland would be the single coolest deus ex machina ever for any movie or novel...when I'm less sleepy. lulz.

Iota---My tendency to delete enormous chunks of story when displeased is why my chapters take so damn long, heh. Sometimes it's just quicker to junk something than repair it...

Emotional stuff will increase in the next few chapters---Miyako's attack will be the next link of the fucked-up chain. I pity my characters. :-(

argentum---Glad you like it. Expect the ending in 2043.

Hallation---Your comment will some much less prickish when the fundamentalist Jirachians start showing up when the pack goes to east Hoenn. They will deserve kick-ness.

RoboRed---yep

Max---HERE.

Jirachian in the pit---lol

Zannthebored, RoboRed, Hallation, Imasuky Lomae, Shade---I know, heh. Don't let it bug you. Doesn't bug me. Makes me happy, in fact, lol.

3AM---If you think I crank stuff out quickly, you haven't been monitoring the story very long, lol.

Thanks, uh, but I'll pass on the offer. Somehow I think I'll manage.

Ragdoll, Vyers---I AM LIKE A TORTOISE. SLOW AND OLD.

Cerebrate Fate---Gardevoir can beat ANYTHING.

Gardevoir, use a Flash attack!

The Cakenator---I ALMOST had it on Halloween...but then I ate too much candy and sugar-crashed into an insomnia-wracked puddle.

RoboRed---Christmas oneshot WILL occur, even if I have to be bump the big climax chapter to make time for it.

Imasuky Lomae---GARDEVOIR, NO! THAT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU HOTTER!

:-O

Kitsune_Writer---What if I were to tell you that there is no loophole, and when time runs out, death WILL occur? GASP

Also, the nature of light and dark will become more clear in later chapters. The corrupted god didn't lie to Slash about anything, but it did MISLEAD him about a lot. Intent is everything, yes, but the question is---who judges whether an intention is selfish or not? Also, is there a way of acting in balance?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL Z

god i'm sleepy :'(

Cerebrate Fate---December 19. This year I will be reaching the ripe old age of 23. I'm writing Pokemon fanfiction in my twenties. AND SOMETIMES I WONDER WHERE ALL THE LADIES AT? Sigh.

Cerebrate Fate, Perfect Purity---I pretty much pick any moves I want for any Pokemon I want, as long as it'd be logical for the critter to use it. Rotom can't use Shadow Claw in the games, but the idea of his little stick-arm growing into a huge fucking hand and striking, that's too good to let a little thing like canon get in my way.

Not to mention the fact that I annexed the canon-deciding power from the anime guys. They have lost their right to decide. >:(

Cerebrate Fate---On a barely-at-all related note, Lapras is extinct in the Sinners world. Might not come up (though I'll try to find a place to mention it), but humans just KEPT FUCKING HUNTING AND CATCHING THEM and now they're gone. So sad. I have also decided that no fossil resurrecting shit exists. There WERE resurrection machines briefly (long enough to create breeding populations of formerly extinct Pokemon like Kabuto), but Mewtwo fucking destroyed all of them during his FUCK YOU period.

Yeah.

eth---Firstly, remember that six months in this story might take me a few years to write. XD

Secondly, don't worry too much about it. Sometimes things aren't so clear.

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