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Reviews for Sinners: Arc 2

By : Stormborn Apostle

From ANON - Alpha Xi on August 08, 2008
Just an honest question, really. Would you listen to what I had to say if I spent the time to carefully read every single word of your story and consider everything in it with an open mind?

Because that right there was my entire point. You wouldn't. You have made that very clear.
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From Stormborn Apostle on August 08, 2008
Max---Kiako is just as much of a main character as Slash and Psymakio, and will become more explored as the story goes on. I have not watched Avatar, so I can't be sure of what you're talking about, but I can say that Kiako's fate will not be kind, whether he obtains what he seeks or not. Over the course of the story, he may commit crimes that simply cannot be atoned for, and thus his destiny will be harsh, regardless of any 'moral development' he may have.

Corky---No offense, but either review intelligently or don't review at all. If I was 100% sure that this is a spam review instead of 99.5%, I would have deleted it.

Incidentally, people, you don't have to e-mail me every time someone posts a spam review. I get notifications from AFF every time anyone reviews any of my stories, so I can take care of it whenever I check my inbox. Sinners has been remarkably spam-free since its inception, but since there's a little spattering of pointless reviews tonight (and I'm not referring to Jack Nativity's, I'm referring to other reviewers that blatantly admit that they haven't read the story and don't plan to), I'll clean up the page whenever it gets messy. So please, stop e-mailing me about it (though I do appreciate the sentiment).
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From ANON - Corky on August 08, 2008
OMG TIHS IS LEIK TEH BEZT THING EVAR!!! KEPE RITING SUPRESTUHD!
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From ANON - Max on August 08, 2008
If I failed to mention, I did really like the Kiako scene. Helped flesh him out quite a bit more for me.

HOWEVER (and this is not criticism but more a plea)

PLEASE do not do what the avatar crew did with Zuko: He was probably one of my favorite characters throughout, but he still had rather a black and white bad guy/good guy/ oh wait bad guy/oops really good guy in the end. While I do really enjoy dynamic characters who though having done bad things learn to find a moral compass and peace, I still hope you don't make it so... opaque what's going on (I trust you not to, but I need to say it. Avatar broke my heart :( ) In short: don't allow characters to "throw off" their evil completely and find peace easily. kthxbai :)

Oh and if you haven't watched Avatar it's good :D
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From Stormborn Apostle on August 08, 2008
Max---Hopefully you won't, as 24 is planned to be quite a bit shorter (all that really happens is an intro/expository of what lies beyond the desert, some casual fighting, and the experience with the Interloper). Currently aiming for late August/early September.

And heh, yes. Gardie wouldn't have sensed it if Slash hadn't blanked the mother. Ka works in mysterious ways.

Cerebrate Fate---Slash's Pack will meet his parents later in the story (shortly after the Fallarbor mini-arc ends), and he'll probably call them up in the next chapter. Obviously he'll use a bit more discretion than that, lol.

Imasuky Lomae---My original plan months ago was to have Slash keep the curse a secret from her (but her suspecting something was wrong), and the Second Storyteller inadvertently reveals it to her after Fallarbor---needless to say, hiding it for THAT long would have made things a lot worse. It just seemed more dickish than Slash would realistically do, though, so I changed it to guilty confession/more-or-less minor argument.

Important to remember---Kiako cannot control that power, and it causes severe (and partly irreparable) damage to his body. By the time the story's climax arrives, he may be just barely clinging to life. :-(

...why did I sad face Kiako's pain? lol, maybe because he's not pure evil, just...pretty fucking evil.

Incidentally, original outline scripted Medicham to drop her in one punch, but that was too FALCON PUNCH, lol.

Slash my poor boy...---lol, a chapter an hour? What crack are you on, good sir or madam? I could never, ever write 30000 words (or even 20000) in a week, let alone an hour. Again the idea of shorter, more frequent chapters is raised...but I really do like putting out much longer stuff, so every update makes my readers want to pull up a chair, lay back, and enjoy themselves for a while.

Josh Palmer---Dark? lol, good sir, you have no idea what awaits in the future. Not all of it will be so easily forgiven or reparable...

Vyers---Slash thinks he's using them in a selfless way, but it's only when the haze wears off that he realizes his mistakes (and sometimes they need to be pointed out by someone else). While in self-defense, Slash made no effort to barter a ceasefire with the Cacturne (they might have had a way to counteract their own poison, who knows), used food to lure them into dropping their guard, and then completely destroyed two souls, one of whom belonged to a pregnant mother. Instead of trusting in his bond, he let guilt and self-righteousness cloud his judgment and ruined his life...and, more painfully, Psymakio's.

Now we have a new cliffhanger in regards to the hourglass...how does one destroy the indestructible?

Sinners Fan---Glad ya liked it, and I'll try to be more timely with the next.

RoboRed---Yeah, the argument depressed me a little, too, but like I said, it was originally scripted to be much, much worse. Unfortunately for everyone, the powers are going to be so addictive that Slash may 'accidentally' (or just ignorantly) use them again. For example, let's say they're fighting Archie, and his Mightyena is whooping someone's ass. Slash can easily blank the creature, but Gardevoir is going to be severely injured (possibly fatally) by the action. The temptation will still be there, though, because of how much easier it seems.

Light and Dark, while seemingly complicated, are actually rather simple (too bad this won't be realized by the protagonists anytime soon). There is a way for Dark power to be used for good (and without hurting Gardie), just as there are ways for Light to be used for evil (Slash could have made the same decision in regards to his lifespan by considering his team's friendship, their goal in helping the world, etc). Only if Slash and Psymakio truly master their bond and love each other with absolute purity will neither Light nor Dark be able to harm them.

Kiako is not going to have a fun journey to Fallarbor any more than the good guys will. By the time the groups confront each other, he's going to be so ragged, beaten, and pissed off that the previous portrayal of his confidence in Slateport will be little more than a distant memory.

Silver has been training for decades (as has Giovanni), and I'm sure that I could write a whole story just about him if I wanted. The whole class system is meant to show a couple things...mainly that Slash and his buddies, despite their trials and skill, are still just rookies compared to more experienced trainers...and that the Pokemon League itself may not be able to stop Team Rocket if they chose to lunge for power in Hoenn. :-(

Incidentally, I use incidentally a lot because I tend to forget things that I wanted to say, or have a hard time transitioning into new topics in casual conversation, lol. I'm much less artful with my language in real life than in my writing. :3

Imasuky Lomae---I've seen the forums too, but, lol, I'm already having to multi-task with e-mails and Myspace and the like. If anyone does do something like that, I'd post, but e-mail and review space is so much easier.

I do have a livejournal, but that's mostly used for relaxing, not serious discussion, lol.

Zell65---It's sort of a mix of both. There are certain aspects that have planned out since the beginning, like the key plot points (the King, Kiako's backstory, Slash and Psymakio's bond, etc), but also lots of stuff I never intended until I was actually writing (Watson's importance, Silver's entire existence in Sinners, Flannery and Blaziken being super-buddies). Whenever a new and good idea comes to me, I try to work it in, and sometimes I do it well enough that it appears to have been planned the whole time. Other times it's not noticeable.

Every so often I get an idea that's GREAT, but it doesn't fit in with the plot and that makes me a SAD PANDA. :-( I had a really awesome ending for Sinners early on...would have been kinda sad, but Slash and Psymakio would have both still been alive and together...but it no longer fits with the way the story has gone. I might make an alternate ending chapter or something when Sinners is done.

I've considering writing for a living, but it's really not as glamorous as you might think (deadlines, asshole editors who don't give a shit about enjoying the piece, hint hint). I don't really write fast or concise enough to be a real author. The original story I referred to a few times, Broken Circle, could stand alone or with my other works (obviously Sinners, based on someone else's copyright, wouldn't be able to be one of them), but...I doubt the world would want to read it. That story (like all my writings) would be mostly written to satisfy the word-bug in me.

RAW19---lol, six months to live is hardly a problem? Well, maybe. The hourglass won't get broken or disabled, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Slash will die. Or does it? lol, keep in mind that I'm a dick, and that when someone is going to die, it WILL be unexpected.

Jack Nativity---You still don't get it, do you? Despite all your long-ass and mostly repetitive reviews, despite trying to sound like you've got a few bestsellers hidden away somewhere, ya still don't get it.

You. Are. A. Troll. Whether you believe it or not (and I have a feeling that you're more than aware of this), you are a troll. I shouldn't have fed you, but your comments were just thought out enough that I wasn't sure of it. Now I am.

The fact that some of your criticism is thought-out (and even, on occasion, valid) does not mean that you are not a troll. The fact is that you read and write these reviews only to complain, not out of any desire to see me improve but because you can. The fact is that you DID come seeking a fight, deciding to ignore the disclaimers and content tags and summaries so that you could find a story you KNEW you weren't going to like and thus could bitch to your heart's content from a soapbox that does not exist.

You are the exact opposite of the kind of reader that the world needs. We don't need more stuck-up, self-appointer editors finding a topic that they dislike, reading it anyway, and pretending to know where the author is going before the story is even a quarter completed (including making several false predictions about the 'obvious' direction of the story, some of which were outright stated otherwise), or believing that what they've seen thus far is the totality of the themes.

For example, I JUST introduced Dark and Light two chapters ago, purposefully had everyone be fucking ambiguous and confused about it, including having love and sacrifice leading to a dire and non-fairytale outcome, and you don't grasp that right now ALL of it is middle-ground for the characters (and thus, for the readers) and it's going to take a while before being fully explored. If you're looking for Slash going "oh, golly gee, I know the difference between good and evil and thus nothing bad will ever happen to me or my friends!", go watch the anime. It ain't happening here.

Mostly, for all of your apparent intelligence about reading and writing and the mechanics behind both, you really don't know how to read at all. You can read the words, yeah. You can grasp the devices, sure. You can even, on occasion, point out something that needs clarification, something from a technical or constructive standpoint. But that does not constitute reading. That is simply observing, and I am here for readers, not bird-watchers.

Fact is, while I am indeed proud of this work, I know I'm not arrogant. I'm actually quite the modest author; hell, the only reason Sinners was written was because I read and was inspired by another work involving the conflict between light and darkness and the trials of two forbidden lovers; in a way, it's not fair to call Sinners 'my work', even disregarding it being fanfiction, because I was inspired and influenced by other far superior authors. Sinners only reached this level of scope due to input and suggestions from others, and without the plotmails and reviews and the like, this story would be a mere story---not alive and flowing like it currently is. I gave it life, but without the support of my readers, I could not keep it alive.

While I am confident in my writing abilities, and all the justification that I need for that is in the fans and positive response that I've gotten, I know that I ain't perfect. Do I need to improve on some areas? Yes. Could the earlier chapters use a re-write? Definitely. Do I wish I had kept Psymakio a Kirlia for longer, or at least elaborated on the 'missing week' after the dream that could have been a cornucopia of character conflict? Hell yes. And plenty of other issues can be addressed.

But see, there's more. Is this story based on a reasonable plot (and spare me your bitching about epic)? Yes. Are the characters believable, identifiable, flawed, 'human'? Yes indeed (incidentally, 22/17/19 for Slash/Psymakio/Kiako, if you're curious, numbers I can live with). Is the plot interesting, unpredictable? Yep (enough to confound you, at least).

For my failings, I know that I'm a damn good writer, and I don't need to cater to the muddled demands of someone who should have turned back the second they read The bond between a trainer and his Gardevoir goes from devotion to forbidden love---and that love may be the only hope the world has left to be confident about that. I don't need the ideas of someone who goes from accusing me of lack of self-respect to arrogant on opposite sides of a review, someone who accuses my characters of being Mary Sues in one line and making avoidable mistakes in another, to be confident in my abilities.

What I do need are the ideas of those who see Slash and Psymakio as more than character outlines. I need the suggestions of those who wonder if Kiako's got a reason for being so fucked up and whether or not that could justify his current actions. I need the criticisms of those who want the story to be better because they want to do justice to the lives trapped within the words and worlds, not because they just want to make Sinners more "professional".

The reason, good sir, why I could not care less about your suggestions on 'salvaging' my story, is because neither you nor I give a damn about whether or not this story meets your definition of quality. You don't want to see the story 'fixed' because you want to enjoy it, you just want to see your own ideas of good writing injected into a story with a different opinion...the problem is, I don't buy your no-epic, I-want-to-see-everything-coming desires, and I have no intentions of changing the story just to cater to you.

Your biggest error, the single reason behind why your opinion is irrelevant, was the assumption you made in your first paragraph---that I was still updating and writing Sinners due to my readers and fans. The fact is that I write not to please others, but to please myself, as selfish as that may sound. I don't write to please the entire spectrum of readers out there...I write to please myself and put my ideas into writing, and hopefully attract people who do appreciate grand stories with epic endings and mysteries and cliffhangers and twists. That is all. Those are the people who I accept criticism from, because only they, those who fall in love with the world I've written, understand what I'm trying to make, and want to make sure that while Slash and Psymakio may not have a happy ending, the ending will still do them justice.

You do not, and that is why you cannot help me.

I know a troll when I see one, because I've been one myself before. I've bitched about flash movies and stories that didn't meet my criteria of greatness, ignoring the fact that I saw the labels and summaries and knew what I was getting into. And when I matured---grew up---I either avoided them or addressed them from a purely technical standpoint, pointing out actionscript errors or typos or whatnot.

So yes, there is something you can do to help me improve upon this story, even with your utter lack of enjoyment of the concept and its execution. There is a way of helping me, even if the characters and adventures and romance fills you with revulsion and ridicule. You can point out my typos and grammar errors.

You can be my spellcheck.

Until you learn how to read instead of just observe, that is the extent of your usefulness to me. If you cannot do that, then there is no way for you to enjoy Sinners, and thus no reason for me to care about your opinion. If you indeed to cease your 'reviewing'...well, the door is to your left, it's been marked with a bright green exit sign since chapter one's author notes. Should you intend to return sometime in the future, please check your blatant disdain for Pokemon fanfiction at the door or the bouncer will show you out.

General Review---If you're hoping for everyone to get through Sinners safe and sound...well, you're going to hate me later. In any case, don't blame me for killing off any characters; my muse decides those things, not me.

Hallation---As the test itself said, some of those traits are not inherently bad. It's really not a good way of determining Mary Sue-ness because of that; what, no one can write a story about kings without losing a point? No one can have a pet without it being too perfect? I didn't consider the Pokemon animals for that test, incidentally, because they're sentient and common in the Pokemon world.
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From ANON - Hallation on August 08, 2008
Regarding Jack's RPG/Fanfic Mary Sue test..
Dear god, do not ever try to run a White Wolf RPG character through that.
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From ANON - General Review on August 08, 2008
...Y? Y did u sentence Slash to death? Y?...bastard. It took me 1 day to read this latest chapter and i was (and am) cursing you for what you have done to your character. I hope you have a (plausible) way to save him. You will lose many loyal fans otherwise. Didn't like the chapter (which is a first for this series). might b that it's fucking midnight.
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From ANON - Jack Nativity on August 07, 2008
I was hoping you'd have a little more patience and self-respect as an artist to actually consider what I was criticizing you on instead of saying "TL;DR" and telling me to leave, Slash, personal troubles or not. I wasn't trying to bring you into a fight at all, but since you're convinced I'm just a troll and have nothing worthy to say, I'm not going to bother trying to make you doubt yourself so you can ultimately improve. Not until you check that pride of yours and start looking into accountancy. This means no more reviewing on my part for now (and there was much rejoicing). I'll be blunt, straightforward, and curt, deal?

1) Take this test for Slash, Psymakio, and Kiako. I tried, and was forgiving mostly because I'm not you and I don't know what you'd answer for a number of personal questions. The results for each were not encouraging.

http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

2) Read these two pages.

http://mightygodking.com/index.php/2007/09/17/on-editorialization-and-the-lack-thereof/
http://mightygodking.com/index.php/2007/10/08/more-on-that-bad-webcomics-site/

3) If you are a fan of the "Chekhov's Gun" device, at least understand what it entails. Meaning, don't try to beat the point in by bringing it back to the reader over and over. At the very least try to practice your pacing.

4) Your version of morality for the world is interesting, I'll give you that, but it has a number of loopholes and contradictions when you look it closely. Mostly what really makes a decision "light" or "dark" when you try and make it as close as possible to the side you want. That you don't have a gray area between the light and dark is at best a simplistic way of how the Pokemon world works, and at worst cheapening later moral decisions that characters will make. I'm hoping you'll actually bother trying to blur the two later.

5) This chapter was an improvement from before. It still has some problems from before and now some new ones, but since I said I wouldn't be reviewing you, you can make a guess or ask one of your more critical fans to voice them.

6) I still enjoyed your work, just not the way you intended. That doesn't mean that what I had to say didn't have any value, though. If you're going to dismiss my reviews just because they challenge your abilities, you're one damned arrogant artist, if I can even call you that anymore.
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From RAW19 on August 07, 2008
*fights his way out, yet is pulled back in*

Lets see. First the problems. ............>.> there were none. I was surpried that Slash's life is now on a 6 month time-limit. But, that's hardly a problem. The story is as excellent as alwasys, grabs my attetion and holds it till the last word of a chapter is read, and sastifies all my cravings. Waiting is not a problem for me and length..i welcome it! Any Harry Potter fan knows to welcome lenghty chapters to an aepic tale! I back your efforts 100% and wait calmly and happily for the next exciting installment!

It's works like these that make me want to get back to work on my own.
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From ANON - Zell65 on August 07, 2008
Yo, I've been following your story for a while, as parts were repeatedly pasted into 4chan threads. I do love the story, and the characters you created for it. I had a question though, Do you have this story planned in your head already, or do you make things up as you go along? It often strikes me as similar to the Star Wars Expanded Universe, in which it seems as though George Lucas had everything planned out from the beginning, with the way it all meshes together seamlessly. Either way, this is top-notch writing. One day you might write for-profit stuff of your own creation, and make assloads of money? I think you could. See ya, and keep up the writing!
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From Bishonen on August 07, 2008
To RoboRed AFF has it set up so you can start a forum right here on the site the link is right below the review this story i've thought about doing it but i'm not good with that kind of thing but if you start it I'll join in for sure.

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
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From RoboRed on August 07, 2008
Sooo yeah...once again, I am kept away from the wonderful joy of storyreading from outside forces. In this case, a combination of a 4-day vacation with no internets, and Mother Nature cancelling my flight back home with fucking tornadoes, thereby increasing said vacation from four days to six. FUCK THAT. Give me the plane and I'll fly through the goddamn tempest myself...*/rant*

Anyways, once again, Slash has graced us all with another OMFGBBQ megachapter. In agreement with what Imasuky said, this has gotta be one of the most emotional chapters in the story. I almost cried during the point when the two were fighting and later made up. Shit�now in addition to saving the world, they gotta save Slash from that curse on his lifespan. Jesus Christ, this light and dark stuff is getting harder to wrap my head around, too. Slash is gonna have to spent at least 10 minutes before making decisions (and he probably won�t have that time in future incidents).

Im glad that part of the story has now turned back to Kiako. I was wondering what happened to him, last we saw, he was riding an oversized fish though an expanse of salty seawater, and pretty much down for the count. I almost forgot that he had a gun too. Thankfully it�s of no use�.for now anyways�

Things have gotten more interesting now that the group has run into Silver. I like how you�ve put your own backstory into his character and built off of what little was already there. And as if the power of pokemon in the story as you put it wasn�t big enough, you just revamped the spectrum again with the listing of classes and Medicham giving poor Gardie an ass-whooping. *sadface* On top of this, Silver and his Medicham know of Slash and Gardie�s bond�I can only imagine what bodes in the future for them�and Flannery and Blaziken.

Oh, and I don�t give a damn what anyone says about the baby�it�s cute. And if anyone doesn�t agree, well, you sir/madam, are entitled to your own opinion. (I�ll schedule a visit for you from my minions later�)

A few other things�
@ Hallation:
1. Yaaaay! Darkness angst and tragedy!! :D http://www.adultfanfiction.net/avatars/tragedymmm.JPG
2. �I was hoping Corphish would evolve in the combat(OMFG SUPERLOBSTER)� Fucking lol.

"Well, let's see. Hi, mom. Yeah, I got beat by Watson, it sucked. I've got a full Pokemon team now. One of my Pokemon is my lover...my mate, in fact, bet you can guess what that involved. At least we did it in a penthouse suite instead of a bathroom stall or something. What else, what else...oh, yeah, I joined Team Aqua...oh, don't cry, mom, I'm planning to turn on them when the moment's right and wipe them out...until then I'll just use them for information and money. I'm also kind of a dad. To a cactus."�"Yeah, you heard me right. You're a grandmother to a cactus."

Fucking lol.

Incidentally (a word Slash seems to be using a lot :P), I had these two songs going through my head in mixed up/repeated parts during the story (mostly the piano parts). Might have been because I was listening to them on the plane earlier today, or because of the slighty-darkish theme and/or pace that went with the story�I dunno. If anyone else wants to have a listen, I have a couple links here. You�ll need a fileplanet account to listen though (YouTube failed me. *sadface*).
(http://www.fileplanet.com/dl.aspx?/hst/f/a/falconze/pdzero/music/pdz01_datacoredemolition.mp3)
(http://www.fileplanet.com/hosteddl.aspx?%2fhst%2ff%2fa%2ffalconze%2fpdzero%2fmusic%2fpdz02_datacoredemolition2.mp3)

NEED NEXT CHAPTER NOW! IT WILL INVOLVE MIYAKO! */spaz*

(sometimes I cant tell if my reviews are talking to Slash or the rest of the reviewers�this is why I proposed a forum. I�m still willing to host it if there are enough ppl.) */adhd*

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From ANON - Sinners Fan on August 06, 2008
Man... Once again you've written an ABSOULTY WELL THOUGHT OUT CHAPTER!!! I sure as hell can't wait for the next one!!
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From ANON - Josh Palmer on August 06, 2008
All I can say is, damn this story has gotten so dark it makes me kinda scared to read it at times. You ever thought about writing a novel?
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From ANON - Slash my poor boy... on August 06, 2008
you are seriously misguided... :(
:(
So...if you just do a chapter an hour, you can finish in a short while, and the rest of us can reap the reward!
(Please?)
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