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Reviews for Sinners: Arc 2

By : Stormborn Apostle

From dooomdude on August 01, 2008
BAWWWWWWWWWW

ITS LATE
Oh well, more suspense.
MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR!!!!

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From ANON - Max on July 31, 2008
LAST DAY YOU ARTISTICALLY-SKILLED BASTARD
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From ANON - General Review on July 31, 2008
I've been following this stiry since the begining of the first sinners and when i read it, it reminded me of a song that would go so well with this story. If Everyone Cared by Nickleback. If you haven't heard it then just copy and paste on this link to go to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IUSZyjiYuY. I love the story so far and cant wait for that next chapter.
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From Bishonen on July 31, 2008
If there isn't a new chapter soon than it Flounder Smack Time!

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
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From ANON - jpspike on July 30, 2008
Oh my god, it took me six days to finish reading this chapter(god I hate working). The only word I can think of to describe what I think of this chapter is "wow". I love this story, having found it when you were on chapter ten, I think it was, and you've never disappointed. You've probably gotten hundreds of e-mails and such complaining about the length of time between updates, but as a fan, and an "artist" I'll wait till the end of time for you to update. Okay, now for the bits of constructive criticism. Psymakio's vision was beautifully detailed, to say the least. I wish there could have been more detail about miyako and Quiero, but you're right any much more and we might have figured everything out. Secondly, the cliffhanger. Very hard to pull of in a story, and enjoyably frustrating when done right. I liked it, it ended the chapter abruptly as well being able to lead quickly into the next chapter. Lastly, the tidbit of a spoiler...do you enjoy making us suffer!? Like I didn't need anymore reason to wait for the next chapter(sobs). Oh and before I forget, reading this story made me want to tell my own pokemon story; however my preferred media is drawing(particularly manga) and if you ever want any fanart just contact me, I'll be pretty damn busy in August, but i'm more than willing to give you a couple of pieces if you'd like.
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From ANON - Hallation on July 30, 2008
Being extremely effective with a knife (which he did indeed apear to be) takes years of training.

Knives aren't hard to work with if you're not afraid to cause damage.
My brother is quite fluent in knife combat, and despite having no formal training at all, he can get his martial artist friend in a pin with his blade. (He bet he could disarm him before he got close etc.). Admittedly, my brother is a bit insane and is unrestrained even in play fights. He still has the mind to flip the blade around so noone gets hurt, though.
I'm nowhere near as skilled, but the main limit in my form is my own restraint in lunges and thrusts. If I were more relaxed and fluid, or more aggressive (and Slash is probably juicing out Adrenaline like nothing), it wouldn't be hard to maim.

Also, "extremely effective" just means you know WHERE to strike, not how to. Location, location, location. He got that Cacturne in the neck. Necks are believed by 9 out of 10 doctors to be vital to survival.
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From CrazyIvan on July 30, 2008
Again, another fantastic chapter.
Quite a bit of drama and action, and well above average chapter length.

I'm a bit curious though, does Slash have any former CQB training, or is he just really good with a knife?
Being extremely effective with a knife (which he did indeed apear to be) takes years of training.

Well, I have to keep this short, still have much to do, so I'll check back in another time.

Untill next time, semper phi, carry on.
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From ANON - Enjoi-Kurbay on July 29, 2008
Love the stuff, Slash. Easily one of the best stories I've read on AFF. I'm glad I read the rewrite of Ch. 5 in the first arc, since I never even thought about Psymakio's reaction to Crawdaunt until then. That will be dramatic for both her and Slash, since they'll have to overcome her helpless feelings while avoiding Jirachians.

Only a couple more days, Slash. Would love to see the chapter promised *cough*
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From ANON - Zannthebored on July 29, 2008
Now, Jack, I've just read both of your huge reviews, and I must say I'm quite surprised. True, this story is filled with EPIC, as you put it, but since when was that a bad thing? And true, the story may have some flaws, but then again, what story doesn't have flaws? My stories are almost nothing but flaws. I'll be surprised if someone apart from me can see anything remotely good in them. In fact, as a challenge, read these and tell me one (1) thing that's good about them. I dare ya
http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=4168286
http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=4209023

Also, I would like to comment on the whole 'self-insert' thing. I find nothing wrong with inputting the same name into numerous stories. I even do it myself. I always use the names 'Zann' and 'Roman' when I write. IF I write. I also don't see anything wrong with giving them some sort of power, such as Slash's psychic powers. One of my current Zanns can kill some of the toughest demons with his rusty greatsword. Meanwhile, at the other end of the scale, I eliminate his awesomeness with Zann Mk1, the original, whose only possible power would be the ability to wield the fourth wall sledgehammer. What I'm trying to say is, Slash is entitled to do what he wants with his character, just as I am. A story is just no good if the main character is just a plain being. Would YOU like to read a fiction story about some Average Joe? I'd say 'I think not' here, but but I'm not the sort to assume what's going to happen. Only the author can truly say what's going to happen. Unless I'm the author, in which case even I don't know what might happen. I write my stories on a whimsical whim just to show people that they really should think about what they're writing. My plots are like an expanding balloon: They go in all directions at once.

Yeah, I can't write

Also, WALL OF TEXT!!
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From trecers on July 28, 2008
i must say this the most.. uh..intresting thing i have read. jack's reviews i can do without. they clutter up valueable space. slash i hope you update soon. this is TLTSDTWMTTGTF signing off. Too Late,and to Their Sorrow, Do Those Who Misplace Their Trust in Gods Learn Their Fate.
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From ANON - Max on July 28, 2008
Since i forgot to mention, don't take my words as completely foolproof (not that you would). But since I'm not the mastermind of this story, I could be guessing/supposing a farther than is wise in my lengthy little writing (erm. in comparison to some things.)

Hallation:
Awesome pic.

Oh, and I actually first saw this on 7chan :P So yeah, you got quite a few readers from there, slash.
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From ANON - Ragdoll on July 28, 2008
Eeeh. I think maybe you /are/ too deeply rooted in reality, Jack. I'm not going to rag on you for criticism, because it's never a bad thing as long as it's constructed, and because you've dropped (at least some of) that holier-than-thou attitude you came in with.

What I am going to say, though, is that having a traumatic past and being a bit ahead of the pack is what makes a character interesting. People don't write stories about john doe who got straight b's and worked at the 7/11 his whole life and never did anything interesting, do they? The way I always look at it is "if a world has vampires, your character isn't mary sue for being a vampire" - well, the Pokemon world has psychic people (Sabrina's gym, anyone?), and people do tend to have traumatic pasts.

The whole deus ex machina thing - I think Slash has pulled it off rather well, to be honest. The Gods themselves have flaws and weaknesses, so "divine intervention" isn't actually that much advantage. I have a feeling that in the next chapter, it'll come as a disadvantage, in fact. Also, the Gods didn't want Slash and Gardevoir to have sex in the desert, that was partially the shadow's influence, and, I assume, partially whatever corrupt God is lurking in the desert.

I don't think Slash wanting to follow Kiako and kill him is that much of a stretch, either - he's an angry teenager with a bit of firepower behind him and all the freedom in the world, and Kiako made him feel weak. He keeps saying he's doing it for the right reasons, but we've been informed repeatedly that he actually just wants to mess him up for the pleasure.

Kiako himself - I think his motives require some back-knowledge of Pokemon. He's serving Team Rocket because they beat him into relative submission. While it's not clear exactly why he wants the Pearls and, by extension, the Shadow, he is looking for them under instruction from Giovanni. In the series, Giovanni always tries to obtain things that he can't control (Mewtwo, most notably), and always ends up with some poor bastards cleaning up the mess for him. Personally, I think Slash Firestorm makes for a much more interesting "poor bastard" than Ash "Liek, use thundershock!!1" Ketchum.

I think I'll leave it there. I didn't mean to write as much as I did, but I had a few more points than I thought.

[/fanboy defense] :D

-----------------------

To slash:

Yeah, I think you picked up quite a few readers from 7chan. Before the recent shenanigans all but killed it, we actually had quite a strong erotic literature community over there. A couple of original pieces there are up with yours in terms of tales where the story has become the primary attraction, despite the erotic content.

Your story, along with a couple of others, make me wish I could find time to write.
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From Iota on July 28, 2008
Right so:

I read though about half of those novel-of-reviews and got the picture.

Let me just say, for me and my story, I love criticism, it helps me improve...and I hope that you feel the same way.

Anywho, sure, I have some thoughts and criticism about the story, yet I haven't typed them.

Why?

Because of the variable of the author...

Unless a chapter is outrageously bad, (none have been bad at all so far) I'm not going to say anything, because the we're getting the story in small chunks...Piece by piece. which leaves it open for the Author to change things up, and clarify.

In no way am I saying criticism bad...I thrive off of it, and I love it, but I'm just saying to reserve your judgment on characters until they are fully developed.

You're either going to have a static character or a dynamic character.

Slash and Psymakio are dynamic, and while Psymakio's character is pretty well developed already, Slash's is still changing and developing.

When Psymakio evolved into a Gaurdevoir, and began her relationship with Slash, her character was pretty much set, while Slash changes much slower...So reserve your judgement on him...

Most of Slash's pokemon are static, meaning their personalities don't change that much. Kiako is static so far, but he may change, which is why I can't fully offer advice or ideas on him.

I don't say this because I'm a "ZOMG READ EVERY CHAPTER OF SINNER 20394820389 TIMES!!!" fan, but because it's a basic idea of the structure of literature...

So, basically, the idea of what I'm saying is, the readers don't have much of an idea of what is going on in the authors head, so problems with characters may be resolved in the next chapter. The fact is we don't quite know.

Anyway, I'd be glad to share my ideas if you like, Slash, but I haven't so far because I know the characters aren't fully developed....

But!

The chapters are coming quickly, and the characters are changing more and more.

Good luck on your next chapters and such.
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From ANON - Hallation on July 28, 2008
Disregarding all of the tl;dr drama llamas

http://fc04.deviantart.com/fs32/i/2008/206/8/f/Capital_by_themindofmadness.jpg
This is now the image that the Regigigas's Castle calls to my mind, no matter wholly inaccurate it may be.

God.
Damn.
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From ANON - Max on July 28, 2008
Being as I have the time (and feel like it) I'll take my hand at critiquing the critique, jack. Pretty much line by line.

You state the criticism argument as though it's something new here. Slash has taken the time to point out that he wants good criticism before, so pointing it out in a slightly caustic way is an odd move.

One of the best ways to make a character is to rely on parts of yourself (as you'd know it best) and expand them to create a person worth idolizing, or at least admiring. That he's a really cool guy doesn't make it a self-insert, as you're so intent on proving. Lots of good characters win most of the time, but the character is revealed to have flaws and make errors, so perfect he is not. Which rather helps believability. Lack of self-confidence is one of the humanizing traits in young characters.

The character is, I agree, pretty old for his age (however you want to phrase that). Older would be more believable, but I'm pretty immature for my age so I can shrug it off. That perseverence in face of tall challenges is a bad thing... I'd disagree. His abilities and fate seem to make him rather not the "normal person" who would be overwhelmed.

Kiako as I read it is SUPPOSED to be unknown. He's the joker card. Did you not read that?
As for baring little of themselves, a great deal is known about slash, psymakio, and watson through their opinions shown in word and deed. If you don't really have a feel for them by now you'll need a biography, which I hope Slash (the author) will not waste his time on, as my impatience is only increasing, hehe.

Using strange words (gasp). Seriously? That's a problem?

Stephen King? Spare Words? Looks to me like the books he writes are pretty damn big to me.

Psymakio is a pokemon, of a race whose ties to their trainer/master are very strong normally. That he's her mate as well makes it pretty all-encompassing for existence. That was written in pretty clearly to me.

I don't get anal about wording, and using "angel", something with moonlight, and "silver" instead of Psymakio is no great headache for me. That he describes her in the same way means she doesn't turn purple suddenly. It's part of the mindset when thinking of her.

Maxie takes the time to gloat and grind in the fact that his move basically turns his pokemon into Lord Destructo of planet Yourefucked. I'd throw in some hard lessons at the time too.

Slash (character) actually needs instruction on his new abilities? pfffffffff that's not believable.

The characters really haven't received much in way of instruction on what to do from the otherwordly powers that be so far, beyond Quiero, and that was to be prophetic anyways. Up til this point it's been Slash (character) going to get badges, finding Kiako, Fallerbor (whatever) getting its shit tossed and him thinking he should help out.

A baby was thrown into the street near me. I pick it up. I now have one (1) baby.

Earlier you were saying not making mistakes in a story is dumb, then saying them making the mistake of sexing it up in the desert is dumb for just that reason. "They should have known better" I've heard quite a few times in my life.

Kiako is not the main character. He's supposed to be mysterious, the wild card. Are you not getting this?
Also, though rivals, it does seem they may well need his help to defeat this shadow, with all its power.
"After 200 pages of introduction, I would have expected some things to become concrete." Introduction. Concrete. Introduction is just an introduction. Erm, yeah.

She (Psymakio) understands his desire to kill his uncle, but would still be horrified (I guess I assume) had he killed him. Angel is scared half to death when "RAGE" goes balls to the walls.

For fleshing out, when Slash (author) does redo the "muggers" chapter, I would appreciate some more remorse on the characters' parts. That I do agree with.

Dark and Light do not have to be good or evil necessarily, but acting selfishly generally leads to more negative stuff than actions for others.

"Dark-types as being tools of evil trainers." So far we had that one guy whose Umbreon died, which was seen as bad, and then Aquas having them. Well except for wee Corphish, who has beginning dark-tendencies. (shrugs)I'm curious where dark-types come from too, that may help explain why so many are seen as evil, but never is it said that all or most dark-types are evil.

Making the story on a grand scale... You may have a problem with it, but I can cope with it just fine. Be boring if all they did was save a pokemart from the Hamburglar

I'm doubting the armor was made for the express purpose of stopping bullets, but I think fortifications of any kind are nice against virtually all offenses (I.E. not nukes) As for changing the name of the nukes.... who... cares?

It's a long story. Some people will/won't like that. Ok then.

"in general not living up to the standards expected to make the story exciting". Only yours, buddy ;)

"Consider me being too rooted to reality". Um, this is fiction.

Your last paragraph is largely "I'm pretty much better at this than you, you're welcome for this". -10 points for douchebaggery on that.

In closing, I was probably an ass with some of my comments, but debate and sarcasm heavily influence my critiques so I'll just assume you'll live through it. I can appreciate what you say you're trying to do, but disagree with your methods.
Also, can't wait for new chapter, July is almost over...

(/ridiculously overblown fanboy defense) :D
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