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Reviews for Sinners: Arc 2

By : Stormborn Apostle

From Bishonen on July 28, 2008
If someone doesn�t like Sinners they should just e-mail him so that it won't clutter up the review page after all fans like me who leave reviews that last a few pages already take up a huge amount of space and a lot of us might get pissed by anyone who says anything bad about this story although i'm more hurt than anything i feel like Sinners is a part of me anymore and i don't like seeing stuff like that well anyways that's all i had to say that and if there's no update before my birthday i'm finding slash and smacking him with a raw fish i don't know what kind yet maybe a Flounder and it will be when he lest expects it like maybe when he�s own the toilet or when he�s shopping for food or just perhaps when he�s fapping to Gardevoir porn.

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
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From ANON - Hallation on July 28, 2008
The point is that I don't see where he gets the authority to mouth-off like that when he probably hasn't created something even close to what sinners has become

Well, he ended it with 'one author to another', so regardless of WHAT he's wrote, the fact that he's wrote at all means his opinion is valid.

Just because somebody's hatin' on somethin' you be lovin', doesn't instantly invalidate everything they so tenuously took the time to type. Hell, I love Sinners thus far, and I say he makes valid points. Only; he sees EPIC as a bad thing while it appeals to my tastes.

[/FANBOI KURASHAAAA]
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From Mono on July 28, 2008

Hey Slash just waiting for the next cha- wait, another one of these reviews?

Great, did this guy come back to lay on some more smart-ass comments? Wait, let me read this overgrown mess...... okay, still the same. I don't get why this guy came back just to rag on a fic he doesn't like remotely, or actually take the time to write such a long-winded review for it just because he's hoping to persuade you to see the error in your ways or some junk like that. The point is that I don't see where he gets the authority to mouth-off like that when he probably hasn't created something even close to what sinners has become. But, whatever. There are always going to be people like that right?

Anyways, I was just sayin' that I can't wait for the next chapter to finally come out (feels like an eternity after that cliffhanger you left us with the in the last chapter). I guess I missed the the mark on the whole 'someone is pregnant' hint huh? Well, just lettin' you know that I personally think that sinners is something amazing and has personally re-newed my faith in fanfiction. So, geta movin on that next chapter, cause i can't wait stand the suspense any longer! Oh, and um, chickens are pretty cool.

[/fanboy defense]
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From ANON - Jack Nativity on July 27, 2008
This is the "Other Anon", and felt I should give myself a name in order to actually mean what I say. While I did write a reply to Ragdoll last night, I got smacked with the "AFF is down for maintenance, let's play Pong!" screen and lost the entire thing. However, my concern is speaking to you directly, Slash, not your fans.

I'll begin my reply by apologizing to you: I did not want to sound like a troll or just a reviewer looking for trouble, but I felt that honesty would be the best policy, and that holding any criticism back would just be bullshitting both you and me. This time around I'm going to try and lay off any snark on you or your intentions, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be harsh or dishonest. I don't want to insult your abilities as an artist by not giving actual criticism.

Let me just clarify to the others that yes, I read the entire thing from start to finish. I did not skim any parts, and by that I really do mean I read everything, even the sexual scenes. I freely admit I read them to try and understand why anyone would go into detail about it, and while they were actually ambiguous enough to mar the entire human-Pokemon connection, that doesn't mean that I enjoyed them for what they were. I did in fact read this story just to laugh at the entire idea, but the further along I read, the less it was about that, and the more it was about the actual writing at the plot.

Slash, I'll repeat that. I started reading this story solely as entertainment at your expense for using the idea of Pokemon and humans having sex, no matter how long it was. Later on, it became less about that and more about your struggles as a writer. Yes, you're right that any story with any setting, told with skill, can turn even the most outlandish premise into something interesting, but my take on it is that you didn't pull it off as well as you could have. I did not write that review (and this one) to get attention. I would have been happy to just let you go on writing the story as you were and watch you from the sidelines, but I genuinely felt I needed to take my time to compose a review because of my love for writing.

Criticism isn't bad, by the way, and dismissing any of it out of hand (be the source "legitimate" or not) is one of the dumbest, most arrogant things an artist can do. If you only get praising comments without any negative input, you'll never improve. It may be hard to believe, but I think you can improve and you have promise. That is why it's so infuriating to see you squandering your talents by relying on tropes that every other fantasy writer has done to death.

Anyway, on to replying to your points.

1. The "Slash Firestorm is not a self-insert" point is probably the one I have the hardest time believing. Yes, Slash has not succeeded or beaten everything that's put in front of him, but that doesn't mean that he's exactly "balanced", if I can use that term. It's believeable that he lost to Maxie and Watson, especially considering that he's only 3 months fresh out of the academy (but he's fully experienced in all Pokemon abilities, apparently) and his team isn't composed of level 99 Pokemon. Kiako is obviously stronger than Slash at the start, so Slash couldn't exactly win in any way. However, he has gained supernatural abilities that will only get stronger with time, and despite all the pent-up rage inside him, he seems to be able to twist everything to his advantage. I don't mind gifted characters, but as it is, all Slash seems to be is a superman in every sense of the word.

I also want to refer to Slash's traumatic past. Traumatic pasts... those are red flags that you are pulling a Gary Stu card. When you remind us that he's 16, I go "really?" and wonder if you aren't just projecting yourself into him. I mean, you said you wouldn't mind being him, and while authors may be attached to their characters, your re-use of the name makes it hard to accept. I haven't seen any actual, honest weaknesses that will bite him in the ass other than him being poor at math, because the weaknesses related to his nature hasn't even hindered him yet, or affected his relationship with his Pokemon. Look at it this way: the guy's young, he's extremely good at what he does, he is generally nice but he has a DARK SIDE thanks to a traumatic past, he's developing psychic abilities with his gifted mate, he's related to someone of great importance in the past, he's being watched by the gods, and he's considered to be the world's only salvation. Pretty overwhelming to any normal person, but 16-year-old Slash Firestorm won't be deterred! Show this list of traits to anyone else who critiques fanfiction and they WILL think this is a self-insert.

And don't tell me that this has been just an introduction, which can explain away any need to give hints into the psyche and feelings of everyone. At 200 pages in, already now into the second arc of the story, I would have expected a few things to become concrete. I was right: only a few things became concrete, while everything else remains hidden away. For all of the spotlight Kiako has gotten, he's still largely unknown. The only character we know inside and out is Psymakio, and Slash for the most part remains a complete mystery. This should not be the case, because I find it hard to sympathize with characters who don't bare a little of themselves after 20 chapters of in-depth conversation.

As for connecting this story, or the trinity of characters to other tales, you're right, I don't understand. I hope you're not planning some sort of massive crossover, though, because that'd make the entire idea much, much stranger.

2. I'm not saying that you don't know what words like 'palaver' or 'dirge' mean. What I am saying is that nobody uses these words commonly, if at all, in normal conversation. You claim that Hoenn has developed its own culture, and that's what gives you the reason to use words like that... but you gave no indication of it. The language so far is all Americanized English (you even had Slash say "y'all" at one point) in dialogue and narration, with smatterings of Japanese to cover names and some terms. Moreover, filling your story with purple prose and unnecessary "five dollar words" makes for a pretty... well, EPIC read.

If Stephen King really is one of your favorite authors, it wouldn't kill to be a bit more like him and spare words when you're writing your story. After all, as Antoine de Saint-Exuper once said, a designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there's nothing left to add, but when there's nothing left to take away. I believe this applies to writers as well.

And Slash being Psymakio's only thing to live... that in fact could make for a pretty tragic and interesting aspect of the entire story, and turn Psymakio into a flawed character. Flaws are not bad things. It makes your characters more believable and sympathetic. Stripping away complexity in characters is one of the greatest disservices a writer can do to his stories. Single-minded or flawless characters don't belong in a serious story, and you're treating this as a serious story.

3. Regardless of all the hints you're dropping about moonlight and silver and angels, could you at least stop using the words as often as you do, and maybe describe Psymakio some other way? You're beating us over the head so much with it, it's as if you forgot that you told us not ten paragraphs ago that Psymakio is a moonlit silver angel. And did I mention she looks like an angel bathed in the silver light of the moon? Kidding aside, though, we get it already.

4. My complaint was not with the Magmas and Aquas being morons, and yes with you taking the time to explain away moves, powers, and the like for the readers. Did you ever see a superhero talk to himself and say "even my heat vision can't destroy the force field!" and think at how unnatural that sounds? It's like that. Normal people don't talk like this. I used the Magma example as the main one, but what about when Slash is in his head, or when Psymakio is listing the benefits of their mating, and we get a laundry list of powers Slash is developing? The explanation just seems to be solely for our benefit, not Slash's.

5. You're admitting deus ex machina to explain the characters' motives by way of divine intervention. That's not good writing, no matter how much you want to attribute it to destiny. There is no fantasy trope as bad as characters �just knowing� what is supposed to happen or what they�re supposed to do because "they have to". It�s lazy and stupid, and you know it. You might as well say that Kiako's just doing what he's doing because the Shadow told him to and Slash and Psymakio are being ordered around by the Great Ones. Save, of course, Slash being forced to "choose". Because of that, I'll drop any expectation of free will on the part of the characters, and completely ignore any attempts at you giving us motive for their actions. After all, destiny trumps purpose, doesn't it?

Fine, just say I guessed everything wrong if it makes you feel better about yourself. I guessed wrong on the princes, seeing as only now did you give us some lore and tell us they were immortal beings and brothers to Miyako. I also got Psymakio's pregnancy wrong (blame me not reading your actual profile, although how one can have a "baby" and not get pregnant...), although you seem to delight in making everyone guess by releasing these little spoilers. Just out of curiosity, though, we've only seen two prominent female leads, so why would it even be a spoiler to say "someone's pregnant" other than just throwing hints to the fans?

Come to think of it, if the Cacturne attack was inevitable, why would Slash and Psymakio want to have sex at all? They're not that stupid, and in fact it's insulting for us to accept that they'd do this after all this time. I think you just wanted to get some drama and give us an info-dump in the form of a psychic dream to tell us about the future, and maybe get some more EPIC in the form of Slash's dark heart acting up. And if you say that they felt like having sex just because the Great Ones influenced them, just like all of the antidotes breaking were "destiny", then there's really no point in expecting Slash and Psymakio to make conflicting, dangerous choices. Even the coming great decision will somehow turn into everyone's favor whether someone dies or not. I hope I'm wrong, but you've already pulled all the tricks from the book. All you did to hide it was make things vague enough that we won't get any explanations until ten chapters later.

6. The answers need not be answered now, but getting the questions would be grand. All we have to go by is that he's a dangerous hybrid with a dark past after the Pearls for Giovanni. This would work if you limited your narration to Slash and Psymakio and maybe a few glimpses of Flannery and that mysterious desert rider, but you made the mistake of telling part of the story through his eyes. We in fact got the bit of info that he was medically experimented upon... but that was it. We got no internal dialogue concerning his motives that we didn't already know of, no hint that he may be doing all of this for something else, no memory or thought in passing of what makes him a villain. If he's just evil for the sake of being evil (Demon, Shadow), then he's just a boring villain that happens to be a wild card. Again, after 200 pages of introduction, I would have expected some things to become concrete.

But now that you mention the transcending rivalry, I'm not sure I buy it anymore. It's one thing to limit fate and destiny into one story that they MUST be rivals because of the past, but it's quite another to make the entire business span different stories in different universes. This linking of different fandoms with the same three characters doesn't make me take the tension seriously because you're recycling the characters into different situations. Situations and worlds that have their only connection through you, the author.

My big problem with Psymakio, human or not, is that she lets Slash get away with murder. However, as you said, Kiako just killed two Aqua members who were terrorists and had it coming to them. She doesn't like the idea of Slash giving in to his dark side to go hunt down this murderer, so why does she pardon Slash and even agree with his desire to murder his raping uncle? Yeah, suddenly deciding to go chase someone down because they seriously injured you sounds extreme, but her sense of justice is skewed.

Sure, she's not human and we shouldn't expect her to share any ethics with humans past "let's all live in harmony", but the killings of the thugs came before Slash's own "murder" of the Cacturne. Why didn't we see him at least mull over that, even though he's not the one who killed them? Why didn't we see his dark heart act up then, maybe to give the readers the hint that Slash was not all he appeared to me, that there was something more to him that made him even slightly psychotic? I certainly got the idea that he was cold-blooded and completely guiltless after the thugs were dead just because he never said anything about it.

I can see where you're coming from with the light and dark concepts, but aren't you being a bit contradictory? If light means "charity" while dark means "self", why is it necessarily bad that Slash has a dark heart? Slash could be a fully dark-hearted person and be entirely "selfish", but still act in the interests of good, right? Likewise, couldn't Psymakio be charitable and still foment discontent and evil? It's a bit difficult to separate the idea of light with good and dark with evil, especially when you're attributing Slash's pleasure at killing to his dark heart, or that Psymakio is a good "light" being because she puts others ahead of herself.

I forgot to add this, by the way, and it seems relevant to this point: why are Dark-type Pokemon always shown to be evil? Why are they not present in the ancestral memory when Psymakio visits the Quiero? I'm sure we're going to find out, but you're limiting all Dark-types as being tools of evil trainers.

7. I'm not really concerned with explanations of the theme... My concern is with the theme itself. Actually, no, rather it's with the way you're going about it. You're sharing names, repeating the story between the "players", and even repeating the romances, linking it all to what must be done. I know you're drawing parallels to the past and that this new blood must succeed where the old guard failed, but this is exactly where my problem with the story lies. You're sacrificing a pretty good idea with the desire to uphold this "trinity", even if they turn out to be different, because they are all sharing names. Even the past selves are affecting the future ones directly. I don't know how else to explain it right now. It just reads as EPIC.

8. I know Pokemon are awesome and could tear down humans in moment, but even if the technology of the world differs, wearing armor and hunkering behind castles of stone is worthless against a bullet or a bomb that can tear down fortifications. This is just basic history I'm relaying to you here, one that is immutable to fantasy unless you start saying that the armor and the castles had magical aspects to them that make them act as bullet-proof vests and bomb shelters. Also, and this is just me, "Sunderer" is a pretty EPIC (read: bad) name for a nuclear bomb.

And you're just starting the story now? That means that we're going to have 700 or so more pages of actual content, hopefully that leads somewhere? Making a long story like this and keeping the pace adequate is difficult to do, and only now you're starting the actual plot? That's... not encouraging.

So, to wrap things up... If you want to continue writing this story as it is, go for it. Personally, I find it to be a waste of your talents to fall back on the EPIC to hold up the story. Your characters seem to be flawless, you are mishandling genuine chances to draw out tragedy and drama, you are being ambitious in making this story transcend the Pokemon world, and in general not living up to the standards expected to make the story exciting. You have your moments: Watson's backstory was told very well, and the plight of Flannery's town was endearing. Perhaps it's because I care more about the people who don't have their destinies rooted in long-spanning, world-threatening gods. Consider me being too rooted to reality.

And remember: I could have just ignored the story and let you do as you please as you brought in more and more outlandish plot points (Quiero's father has cancer!) for my enjoyment, since that is why I read your story in the first place. However, I voiced my criticism because I thought I'd do you a favor and actually give you the necessary negative critique that you, as an artist, needs to improve. You probably won't think of it as a favor because I've admitted that I'm not a fan of the story, but you know what? I'm really not doing this to make you feel good, or to piss you off. From one writer to another, I'm pointing out what your shortcomings are, asking you to consider on how you'll set about to fixing them, and asking you to look into accountancy. That is all.
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From Stormborn Apostle on July 27, 2008
Splenge---The entity was born of chaos, and by the end of the story will become a personification of it. The Shadow represents the opposite of every beneficial force siding with life, and has the potential to grow just as powerful.

Incidentally, I fucking love Aria of Sorrow.

Never watched Outer Limits, heh. In terms of the grand storyline for all my work, Slash, Psymakio, and Kiako are damned to be brought together in every world they exist in until the true trinity comes to resolution. Whatever happens in Sinners would likewise influence that true trinity, ie, if Kiako wins, the Broken Circle Kiako gets a boost of power/luck/everything that makes him dangerous.

It's possible that, if enough trinities resolve with Psymakio and Slash falling in love (and staying in love, something which didn't happen in the current planned plotline of Broken Circle), it could change the events of Broken Circle and Psymakio may live.

Shit, now that I've blabbed a bunch about Broken Circle, I'm gonna get a dozen e-mails demanding I start writing it on AFF soon. Ain't gonna happen, though, since I fail miserably at multitasking.
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From ANON - Splenge on July 27, 2008
Slash, two things.

One: the Shadow is Chaos?
When can I expect Soma Cruz or some Space Marines to come around looking for a fight, then?

Two: The trinity reappearing in multiple stories reminds me of an episode of The Outer Limits.
These two entities have been following each other throughout human history, involving other humans and such in their fight - because they're bored of their existence. It was all a huge game of good guy, bad guy; with both of them being bad.

They were eventually thwarted when both of their host bodies were shot and dying, and the last host body around killed herself because she realized they needed her alive in order to possess her.
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From Stormborn Apostle on July 27, 2008
Hsda MK. II---Hybrids are indeed impossible, at least for the time being. Many wonderful things possible in the old world are no longer possible in the present, due to either the Shadow's increasing influence, the cost of sealing the Shadow away, or both. Could it be undone? Perhaps. Until then, though, Slash and Psymakio are not going to become parents of their own child (and neither can Flannery and Blaziken).

Incidentally, lol, if she was preggo and THAT happened, it would be quite lulzy.

Vyers---I'm pretty happy with it, too. I might re-write the first nine chapters at some point...not to change any details, but just to improve the general writing quality. Though Sinners is only a year, year and a half old, my writing has improved tremendously since I first sat down and wrote for this story.

The longer chapters weren't part of the plan...hell, early on I was planning to have short, oft-updated chapters (LOL). But I personally love long chapters, and thus I've tended towards writing them.

Imasuky Lomae---A key theme for later in the story will be Slash becoming, or nearly becoming, what he hates. Jirachism will become interacted with quite a bit in Arc 3 and beyond, when the pack must travel all across Hoenn instead of a narrow corridor of relatively secular towns (although Fallarbor was pretty religious pre-what-happened)...exposure to this, along with the increasing pressure of hiding their relationship (which will become much more stressful after someone...unfriendly...discovers it and represents a potential time bomb), may increase Slash's prejudice of Jirachism from mostly-justified to broad and blanketing.

Max---If you're impatient now, after a week or so, you'll go crazy during my month+ chapter gaps. Hopefully we won't have those again anytime soon.

Anon---Don't kill chickens. I loves chickens. Little fucking dinosaurs. Ever see a chicken run? Just like a fuckin' raptor. Awesome. I don't mind so much about children---I'm not much of a kid person, lol.

Other Anon---I'm tempted to just tl;dr this, particularly since I have no business responding to people who dislike the subject matter and choose to read it anyway (I've deleted quite a few reviews from Peace on Earth in the same manner), particularly since this review looks to be purposefully long, overly-attempting-to-sound-intellectual, and attention-seeking. But I suppose I will address some of it, both the legitimate and laughable (and believe me, some of your premature 'I saw it coming' guesses are quite wrong).

Let's start with the genius action of reading 100000 words and 200+ pages of a story with a premise you're repulsed by.

I am a pretty modest person. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the best writer in the world, or even the best fanfiction writer on this site---hence why I'm considering giving the earlier chapters an update---but I know that I'm pretty damn good when compared to baseline, both in writing theory and writing practice. For example, I'm good enough to know that any story, regardless of its settings, can be meaningful if enough heart and content is put into it. The phrase "Pokemon novel" may bring about some giggles and ridicule from people too immature to understand that, but honestly, you have no one but yourself to blame if the central premise of this story---human and Pokemon romance---does not interest you.

"This story may offend some people. It contains romantic and sexual relations between a human and a Pokemon, as well as violence, torture, and some very cruel treatment of characters; however, if everyone can remember that they're just fictional characters, and that you can hit the back button on your browser anytime you want, we should all be cool."

Again, I could simply delete this long-ass review on that alone---you read it looking for problems, not to enjoy it, despite the disclaimers. But I won't, because you do have other points that I'd like to address.

1. Slash self-insertion/Gary Stu-ness. There are some points in your favor for the accusation of self-insertion---I wish I had black hair and a better build...I would like to pork a Gardevoir if such a thing were possible...I would like to be a fuckin' telepath. And I am awesome and long-lasting in bed, oh ho ho (incidentally, what kind of fucking lemon would it be if Slash shot off in two minutes his first time?).

Slash Firestorm, however, is really little more than a template for a series of characters in varying stories I've been writing since eighth grades, and all of their portrayals have been different. Unless I'm simultaneously an internally-conflicted Pokemon trainer, a black-hearted Demon who kills his own lover to get to his enemy, a captured WWII soldier who commits suicide after a week of torture, and a priest who uses the power of God to destroy an incarnation of Satan, I gotta say that the character is not self-insertion. Honestly, the character closest to who I am would be Soldier-Slash.

And if Sinners Slash is a Gary Stu, he's a pretty shitty one. Ass whupped by Kiako due to idiocy, defeated by Maxie due to circumstances, defeated by Watson due to inexperience, on the edge of murder and deceit to the only girl he loves...quite frankly, there may even be times when the readers are hoping he gets an ass-kicking. Slash and Kiako are twins of a sort...both have the same potential, and while they may end up differently, both will dance the edge of light and dark throughout the story, which (as I've mentioned many time) has fairly just begun. You presume much from what is essentially a 200+ page introduction.

Psymakio, like Slash and Kiako, is a recurring character throughout my world of fiction, and the fact that there are references to this, both as notes and in the story itself, is important. The trinity does not merely reappear in Sinners, but also in all my other works, and their individual outcomes affect a larger story that will be written at some point in the future. I don't expect you or the other readers to understand yet---if you did, it would spoil the 'true' ending of Sinners, the epilogue that will follow the final resolution.

2. You seem to be under the impression that the Sinners world is the same as the Hoenn in the anime or the real world. This would be an incorrect assumption. The culture of the Sinners world, along with its languages and society, are from my vision. If you're looking for a comparison to our world, you may as well stop now, because there is none. Technology and language developed (and will continue to do so) differently than in the real world. There is no way to compare the Sinners world to any year, because some of their technology is centuries ahead of ours, some is contemporary, and some of what they lack we had centuries ago. The same occurs with language structure. Most of it is contemporary for the sake of convenience, but remember that my Hoenn is little more than loosely-connected townships governed by an organization of elite trainers; in terms of societal advancement, they're pretty far behind.

And maybe I was just ahead of the pack, but I knew what a palaver and a dirge was long before I was 16 (although my love of palaver stems from the Dark Tower books).

Believe it or not, other than "Kaishakunin", none of the Japanese-sounding names were thought up with Japanese translations in mind; came straight from my brain. Sometimes I get lucky, such as with Psymakio's closeness to Miyako, a name with a meaning close to her role in the story (and a name so beautiful that I had to adopt it when I learned of it), but as for Psymakio itself, Kiako Sensiari, Fiakin, Ryu...perhaps they have translations, but I don't know them. I hope that Kiako doesn't mean something stupid, but even if it did, I ain't changing a decade plus of writing for that. Incidentally, the nationalities of Slash's family (which I did do some name research for) is based more on Native American/Hebrew ancestry...at least what we would consider that to be. Haven't decided which branches of his family are which yet.

Incidentally (again), perhaps it hasn't crossed your mind yet, but have you considered that maybe Slash is all that Psymakio has to live for?

3. Moonlight and silver are both key terms for...later. Honestly, the theme of moonlight could reveal quite a bit about things I haven't revealed yet, and silver...well, just wait for the results of Watson's relic-search.

4. I would have thought, with the ease of defeating the Magma grunts and the author note explaining my dislike for the shitty portrayal of the teams in the games, it would have been made clear that portraying Magma as a group of easily-provoked and easily-defeated losers was EXACTLY FOR THAT PURPOSE. *facepalm*

5. Kiako has been at the heart of the race for the King since his first appearance in Dewford, searching for the Pearls. Slash and Psymakio are indeed thrust into that mess of affairs abruptly due to divine influence, the intentions of Quiero and Miyako (I have never stated what their wish truly was, other than that it led to the Shadow being sealed), and perhaps good ol' destiny. The nature of the Shadow---absolute chaos---can only be fought by order and purpose.

Incidentally, for a story that's so predictable, you sure get a lot wrong. There won't be any orgies between the two pairs, not outside of non-canon oneshots; the closest they might come is exchanging notes and possibly going at it in the same room/cave/whatever. Neither Slash nor Kiako are the Princes referred to by the relic (this guess truly surprised me, as I thought I made it abundantly clear who the Princes were in 22). Psymakio is not pregnant, and cannot even become pregnant from Slash at this time (again, mentioned in 22)---the whole point of that spoiler was to use misdirection to essentially trick my more obsessive fans and lead them way off course so I could legitimately surprise them (my other readers have know this for a while and have moved on to the REAL question---if not Psymakio or Flannery, then who?).

Since the only guess you got right involves the Cacturne attack---purposefully alluded to over and over again, with a scene added to 20 specifically to let everyone know that combat with the cacti was inevitable---I would say I'm pretty good at keeping secrets. Good enough to keep them from you, anyway.

6. Kiako's motives are not meant to be known at this time. Does he know of the Shadow, or are he and Giovanni just after the power of the King? Why did they show interest in Psymakio, particularly after her early evolution? Do the ultimate goals of Kiako and Giovanni differ? Fuck, if all the questions that need to be answered were done so this early, it wouldn't be much of a story, would it?

Slash's motives are a mix of things. Destiny, yes, is part of it---fate (or perhaps the Great Ones and their higher brethren) guided him and his pack to the path. Slash also senses that Kiako is much like himself---the same potential, the same desire for power and control---and the disgust directed at Kiako and himself urges him on. In the larger fictional world I alluded to, Slash and Kiako are always opponents. The reasons for their conflict may differ, but their link of the trinity is always one of opposition. Psymakio links to both, but the relationship she has with both men can vary. The trinity can and must come together, and perhaps that overrides even the gods of the Sinners world.

I'm not sure why you don't think there's a difference between wanting to murder someone who raped a family member and wanting to spontaneously dedicate one's life to hunting down someone who killed strangers. Psymakio questioned Slash's desire to do the latter because, while Kiako's motives were clearly sinister, there was no clear answer to precisely what those sinister motives were. Stern was a stranger, the Aquas perhaps deserved it, and Slash's injury was meant as a warning, not a true attempt to kill. Can you really not see how Psymakio could accept Slash's desire to kill his cousin's rapist, but not change his life's course for someone who essentially just electro-bitchslapped him and might want something scary?

As for the protagonists' personal kills: Psymakio is not human. Applying human standards to her will often confound you (as her desire to submit to Slash confounded him at first). To her, killing for her trainer and/or mate is nothing to lose sleep over---her primary concern was Slash's safety and how her love for him would endanger it, which he misinterprets as guilt over the killings---and since he is BOTH trainer and love interest, she had little qualms over it at all. Slash, however, IS human, and despite his dark heart, killing something sentient is not an easy thing to do...especially not the first time. If he descended into darkness, he could have killed without remorse, but that would have its own hazards.

Remember the definition of light and dark. Light is about helping others (Kirlia killing to protect her love), and since she is primarily a creature of the light, it wasn't as traumatic for her; the additional problem in Slash killing the Cacturne, even in self-defense, is that part of him did it for himself, for his own enjoyment and desires...something which magnified his own horrified reaction to the kill and shook him to his core.

One last thing to keep in mind---light and dark are not synonymous with good and evil. Was Psymakio in the right for killing them and feeling little (if any) guilt? Is Slash wrong to feel so much guilt for killing an attacker? Will he be in the wrong if he kills more and enjoys it, or does the act of protecting his friends, regardless of his enjoyment, counteract it? That is for the reader to decide. If you want to consider Kirlia wrong for doing what she did, fine---she will dance the line between right and wrong herself, although how she does it will be different from Slash.

7. A major theme for later in the story is just how unlike the new trinity is compared to the old. Without saying too much, part of the wish Quiero and Miyako made involved a future chance at renewal for the Kingdom, which is responsible for much of the fate/destiny/ka that brought Slash and Psymakio together and put them on their paths. However, destiny (even divine destiny) falters as the Shadow increases in strength. Worst of all, Kiako---who is, indeed, a wild card---totally breaks the symmetry, leaving the protagonists and the higher order of the world in a confused uproar. Likewise, the point is not for Slash and Psymakio to be the same as their predecessors---after all, they died---but to become something different, something greater, and overcome their new and unpredictable enemy in a different manner than the previous attempt.

In short, destiny brings them together, but in the end, chaos will overcome all, and only order---a new kind of order---will defeat the Shadow and end this iteration of the trinity and restore balance to the world of this story.

Incidentally, Slash's powers, while impressive, specifically cannot be used like Psymakio's. Her power is of the light and thus protects her mate and friends. The inherent nature of Slash's dark abilities is that using them requires selfishness, which literally hurts Psymakio through the narrowing of their bond. While his power is not inherently evil, or even inherently destructive, he lacks the will and knowledge to wield it without harming his mate. Should he use it anyway, there is a very real risk that he will kill Psymakio and damn himself to the same fate as Kiako---becoming a brutal monster.

8. You're forgetting the nature of Pokemon. Humans had guns only because they could not compete with the amazing powers of Pokemon. Why does a Pokemon need a gun when they can spout fire with the force of a bomb? Why would they need the aircraft of humans when many of them can fly? And when the humans DID develop a dealbreaker with the Sunderers, the Pokemon world adapted and balanced it by creating a King. While the humans blasted and irradiated the land, the King was able to force them back and bring their war machine to ruin. In the end, it was precisely that reliance on violent technology that doomed the humans to defeat.

I think that, again, you are thinking of the Sinners world in relation to our own. Technology develops differently, and with the check put in place by the existence and power of Pokemon, faith in (what we would consider) modern technology can become a liability.

In conclusion, you presume much, good sir, and most of it wrong. Not only do I not consider this story in need of salvaging, but the contrary---it's just starting to pick up. Once the second storyteller comes to the pack in Fallarbor, the storyline will be set, and the adventure will truly begin. The three aspects of the trinity will once again be brought together and another world will depend on the outcome. Unlike you, I see epic as a good thing---something which both the Pokemon games and the anime has failed to deliver adequately and suffer because of it. After all, in a game where you can literally capture and enslave God---at least when the right Nintendo Event happens---how can anyone take THAT world seriously?

And lastly, if the only reason you're reading Sinners is to complain...well, simply, fuck off. I accept criticism from legitimate sources, but people who dislike the subject matter and read anyway, despite numerous warnings and disclaimers, are not such sources; they're pricks, purposefully reading something that they know doesn't appeal to them just so they can pretend that they have a right to complain and then do so to get attention and start trouble. Any future reviews offered from such a standpoint will be deleted, regardless of how much thought and length are put into them. If you don't find the idea of humans and Pokemon becoming lovers to be one that you enjoy, hit backspace and find another story, because I ain't writing for you.

Ragdoll---7chan too, huh? lol, I never thought that the chans would bring fans, but I ain't complaining.

Indeed, the only people that should be reading this story are those looking to be entertained. I don't demand that people like it, but if someone doesn't, there isn't a thing in the world keeping them from stopping. Pointless complaining (particularly starting with "I was repulsed by the story's subject") is not constructive criticism---it's trolling, and such reviews will be deleted as such. If ya want an example of a thoughtful review with constructive criticism, look at Ek's reviews above. Read the story with the intention to enjoy it and wasn't a total douche with his complaints.

Actually, all my internet aliases are Slash-based, namely because I do consider the Slash characters to be important to my life. Through my writing, I learn more about myself, and thus become influenced---in a way, it's Slash who's inserting himself into my life, not the other way around, and over time it's created my internet personality...one far more social and far less shy than I am in real life, lol. If anyone is curious, my real name is Jason.

Imasuky Lomae---Kind of sounds like my former opinion of yaoi. Back before I came out from under the table (my expression for bisexuality, lol), I found the idea of slash to be gross. Of course, as is often the case, my homophobia was just a means of covering up my own self, and after actually reading a few really good M/M fics, I warmed up to them (hell, even wrote one).

And while I initially disliked yaoi, I didn't leave reviews going "EW, DUDE YOUR GAY LOL". After all, I chose to click on them and to read them all the way through, so I asked for it.

I wonder if this story really could be award-worthy. I'm sure there's a few active Pokemon fanfic archives around, although I'm too lazy to submit this story in a hundred different places (especially since quite a few chapters are written with line break html that would be a pain in the ass to remove so I could copypasta). Still, good to think about.
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From Bishonen on July 27, 2008
Ragdoll is dead on this is a great story and when i first saw it posted I had no interest because I thought pokemon human sex was gross but then I read it and fell in love I�ve read a ton of stories of all kinds and Sinners is one of the best there have been some that won awards and had all the problems that the Anon guy said this one has and I disagree it the only problem I have is that there are no updates and as for the thing about weapons and technology just watch anime there are tons where they have stone castles and robots I think that if he had actually taken the time to read instead of just glimpse at it before passing judgment he�d have realized just how good this story is. That�s all I have to say

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
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From ANON - Ragdoll on July 27, 2008
Heya Slash. Been reading for quite a long while (Somebody posted a link and the first few chapters on 7chan's /elit/ several months back), and I just wanted to thank you for the great story. It's been an awesome read so far, and I can't wait for the next chapter (:

To the previous reviewer: Why do I get the feeling you just skim-read this story so you could shut down your friend and leave a scathing review? I don't want to argue you paragraph by paragraph (I doubt you'll be back anyway), but while you make a few relatively decent points, a lot of your others are deeply flawed, or just outright wrong.

Several things you claimed weren't explained are, in fact - or if not explained, they are implied. Kiako having no driving motives, for instance. If you haven't made the connection by now, I can't even begin to fathom how you wrote such a well constructed review. You assume that Psymakio is pregnant, and use this as a point in your predictability point - except Slash has said elsewhere that she's not. The "EPIC" and "coincidence" factors? Have you /watched/ a Pokemon film?

And although I'm not sure, I believe I read earlier that Slash's account was named after his character, rather than visa versa.

[/fanboy defense]
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From ANON - Anon on July 27, 2008
You know, Slash Firestorm, from the moment I first heard of your story and its subject matter, I was repulsed. The friend who indicated it to me said that it was immensely popular, and for all of my disbelief, my friend said you were still updating and writing the story due to the many readers and fans you had. I decided to begin reading this with the sole purpose of delving into the mind of Pokemon fans like you, and to ridicule both that mindset and your story. The fact that you took care to write it with proper editing, spelling, and grammar pleased me, I'll give you credit for that, but I was not disappointed to see the story devolve into what it did. Actually, scratch that: I AM disappointed, because despite my dislike of most fanfiction out there and the entire premise of your story, yours shows a level of professionalism and care that other writers don't put into their work. It's because of that professionalism that it was all the more painful for me to read this and see potential become wasted so readily.

So what were the problems with your story? There are many, but as my friend put it, your story suffers from too much EPIC. The capitalization is intentional because it represents all that's wrong with fantasy stories and authors that try to make a story grand, make a story immense in scope... make a story epic. These authors start using cliche after cliche, trope after trope in the most hackneyed and predictable ways, all in the hopes that their story will stand out due to the sheer level of tension, grandeur, and excitement they promise. More often than not this falls flat because the audience recognizes all of the tropes, or recognizes the ploy for what it is. Of course, the authors may not mean to ham it up so openly, because they're writing in the same style that they know and appreciate, and there are readers who don't mind it either, so long as the story matches their expectations.

You are one of those authors, Slash, and you are not pulling it off.

Sure, you have a legion of readers who like your story that get something out of it, but where they see an epic masterpiece crafted in gold, I see a pretentious story penned in gilded pages. You have several problems that you need to address as soon as possible, otherwise this story will never be as good as you intend it to be, nor be recognized as anything more than wank fodder-slash-TOTALLEE AWSUM FANFIC!!!

First off, I have a serious problem with your claim that Slash Firestorm, the protagonist, is not a self-insert, that he's just sharing the name, he's just a character, etc. Is it so difficult to come up with a different name for the protagonist, or if you can't live without seeing your own screenname in the story, putting it on a minor character somewhere? It becomes very difficult to separate you, the author, from the protagonist, when the protagonist just so happens to be destined, to develop supernatural powers, to do all the cool stuff, and in general be an ubermensch in all senses of the word. The only actual honest-to-goodness weakness that I've seen Slash suffer from is his inability to memorize the twelves multiplication table, because everything that could potentially be a larger weakness in him can be twisted to his advantage. Lack of experience in battling? Slash can apply some ballsy tactics that work. Sixteen-year-old virgin? Hey, he happens to be awesome and long-lasting in bed. Having a "sunset heart"? That's what drives him to be the best and most assertive dude ever. Bad and traumatic past? He can ignore it and summon it forth at will to draw a parallel to the current situation. And now this: he happens to be somehow related to another Slash Firestorm, who was in the same situation he is now, and history must repeat itself. Seriously: everything that happens, Slash can do something about it or adapt to the situation. Only now is he actually helpless to do anything, and it seems really forced.

Oh, and Psymakio has a very similar name to Psymonka (or something) that is in another story of yours... and falls in love with a "Slash Firestorm". Don't you see a problem with this?

Also, just to back me up, this is what you wrote when Kirlia first said Slash's name instead of "Master":
"I would do anything for you, master. I mean...Sl-Slash, she said softly, tasting the name, savoring it. So short and simple, but...it brought up many mental images, and the one that shone out in her mind most was that of a noble warrior, an extremely powerful man whose wrath was held in check by the love of a woman...or a Pokemon. Somehow that image seemed very...familiar to her."
Are you serious?

Second, the diction. You are, for the most part, economic in your descriptions of people and places, mostly because your readers are already aware of the world the story's set in. This is good. However, the problems begin when you start using words and phrases that could only come from a thesaurus or old books, because nobody uses these words outside of thesis papers and essays. Words, besides, that any sixteen-year-old should not be throwing around so casually no matter how smart they are. These include "palaver" (and how you use this one!), "dirge", "yon", "say true", and "tidings". I am not even going to mention the numerous Japanese-influenced words and names you use to distinguish your characters from each other.

And the dialogue? God help me, they are so terse and erudite. You could mix and match the dialogue, blanking out names to hide who it was that was talking, and you'd have quite a bit of difficulty knowing who's talking. Personality shows in dialogue, but only rarely are they present in your story unless you go out of your way to make them eccentric or so singularly-minded that it can only be that person. Case in point, Gardevoir. Everything she says, everything she does, has to be related to Slash in some way. Seriously: we know they're mates and all, but it seems that he's all she's got to live for, and that she has no mind of her own other than protecting him. Expanding your characters' desires and thoughts, noting more than just their attractions, would make them so much more realistic.

Third, for all of your thesaurus and synonym use, you can't seem to shake off the continuous description of Gardevoir as a "moonlit silver angel". Just stop using that set of words. Stop it. I'm serious. Find some other ways to describe her, because you can't seem to let go of that image. Every time I read those words, or a variation of them, I am simultaneously horrified, angry, and amused. Then again, I'm very glad you're not going with "nightglow's argent celestial", because that would be so ridiculous as to make you seem a parody of yourself.

Fourth, your tendency to explain the plot for the sake of the audience. As an example, I refer to this part where the Magma leader in Mauville's Pokemon Center tells Slash:
"Never seen this technique in action, boy? It's a very useful ability, especially for a Pokemon like Camerupt. Sunny Day increases the power of fire attacks by over 150%. It also weakens the power of water attacks, helping to cover its only significant weakness."
Why would any villain outside of a 60's comic book tell the hero what their power does? Mouthing off? Taunting? It doesn't matter: you're using the terms from some strategy guide and reciting it for our benefit. When you're writing another Pokemon battle or whatever, do not have the characters explain themselves and become walking encyclopedias. That's the narrator's job, and it should not cut into the action's flow.

Fifth has been the entire evolution and pace of the story. I know developments and "discovering something larger than yourself" play important roles in these kinds of stories, but never would you expect, from reading the initial descriptions of Slash, Kiako, and Gardevoir, that they would suddenly be thrust into this darker-and-edgier adventure that is almost entirely out of place in the Pokemon world. Even the Pokemon movies didn't go into such depths of drama and disaster as what's planned by yourself. It's almost as if you wrote the first half of the story when you were younger, and then decided to throw in some deep story to make an impact.

And my god, you telegraph your intentions so openly you might as well just say what you're planning to do three chapters in advance. From the moment I saw Flannery and Blaziken as mates, I KNEW that it you'd make some sort of orgy with Slash and Gardevoir, or at the very least something kinky. Now that you pretty much confirmed naughtiness in the reviews, I really can't be surprised at anything you suggest anymore. When the "three princes" were mentioned in the old manuscript way back when, I immediately guessed Slash and Kiako would be two of the three. When you hinted "someone is pregnant", my mind went to Gardevoir almost instantly. When Slash and Gardevoir did the nasty in the desert? It was a no-brainer that some of the desert predators would attack and cause trouble. Keeping surprises is not your strong suit.

Sixth lies in what I consider to be a major fault in many stories: motive and morality. What drives Kiako to do what he does other than that he's evil and wants to resume godhood? Similarly, what other motive does Slash have for chasing Kiako down other than that he must (and because they're related to the past)? Why do Gardevoir and Slash continuously preach equality in their relationship to each other, but she's so quick to capitulate to his demands (sexual or otherwise) and opinions? And this in turn leads me to the topics of death and killing in this story, especially concerning the heroes. In one part, you had Slash claim that he wanted to kill his uncle for raping his cousin, but didn't do so because his father stopped him, and Gardevoir granted Slash the benefit of the doubt. However, Slash's desire to kill Kiako becomes questionable to Gardevoir later on, even though Kiako has murdered people instead of raping them? What about now: Slash has taken the life of a Cacturne (ironically, with a knife), and you make him suddenly crumble in the face of death. OK, fine and good, but what about when Psymakio as Kirlia killed the three thugs that assaulted Slash? They shrugged it off as no big deal! For characters that try to make justifications for "sunset hearts" and the like, they seem to exercise a pretty lax moral code.

Seventh, and this is probably the really big one, is just the sheer *convenience* of the entire story. Slash, leader of a ragtag band of Pokemon, just happens to be a destined one with ancestral ties to a great martyr and hero, and he is mated to a Gardevoir who fits in much the same role, and directly related to the previous Slash's mate (and now she's pregnant). Even Kiako is the same Kiako as before. The MacGuffins of the story, the Pearls, are each related to the protagonists, and now you whipped out the cards metaphors, encompassing every other major player in the plot. Slash conveniently develops psychic powers through his mating to keep up with all of the other powerful characters in the story, even though the tension and drama would be so much more believable if he remained normal (but still telepathic with Gardevoir). Divine intervention and deus ex machina occurs more often than should be normal, even for a story that takes gods into account. What has happened in the past is happening again, with the same people as before, and while this can be done well, it just comes off as cheesy here. Again, Slash is not a self-insert?

Lastly, this final chapter where you revealed the previous history of the world of Pokemon (and of Psymakio, the Interloper, old Slash, and so on) drove the final nail in the coffin. Specifically, a lot of the concepts that you kept in order to make the entire thing seem more amazing... humanity had the technology of gunpowder, flight, and even fission, but the rest of the world was stuck in medieval times with castles and armor? With monarchies and hereditary rule (even if it was communal)? Seriously, why did you keep around fortifications of stone and PLATE ARMOR of all things when these are completely useless against modern weaponry? That does not make any sense whatsoever.

In conclusion... don't dismiss this criticism out of hand. I honestly believe that this story can be salvaged (with great difficulty), but the more you persist in the way you're doing now, the harder and harder it'll become to take it seriously. As it stands, this last chapter was the killing blow to my respect for the story, and for your abilities as a writer. You are funny and you are dedicated, so why do you rely on the EPIC to carry you through? Moreover, why are you so contradictory on your own story, and even in your answers to reviews? Here's to hoping you start thinking things twice over before letting them make it on your final drafts.
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From ANON - Anon on July 26, 2008
I sacrifice a chicken for every day this story is not updated to help you.

In two days I run out of chickens, and move on to babies...
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From ANON - Max on July 24, 2008
Oh, and uh (cough) good rewrite.
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From ANON - Max on July 24, 2008
(sitting impatiently)
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From Bishonen on July 24, 2008
I just got done with the chapter 5 re-write and i got to say it was really good i made Slash's hate of them seem even more real and when Kirlia asked if he was gay I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
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From ANON - Hsda MK. II on July 24, 2008
Well, that's a great relief to me, then.
Psymakio has a 'baby', so I'm guessing an adoption of a sort.

As to who will be pregnant... If hybrids are impossible, it's not Flannery. Hm. I'm drawing a complete blank. Ah well, I'm no good at predictions. I'll watch quietly from here in.

no means of pregnancy test in the fucking desert, lol
HERP PSYCHOC POKERMANS DERP
"Hmm, there appears to be a new psychic presence IN MY STOMACH"
:D
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