Adult-FanFiction.org : Anime

Reviews for Sinners: Arc 2

By : Stormborn Apostle

From Satoku on August 31, 2009
I apologize for my second-to-last comment. I hadn't heard anything from you for a while (I didn't think to check your livejournal or anything, whoops) and I assumed you died or lost interest or something. And my comment came like a day before that email, so that was bad timing on my part, lol.

First of all, I loved this chapter. Your plotting was well thought out, and the battles were superbly done despite what you may have said about not being good at writing battles some hundreds of reviews ago. The only trouble I really had with the battles was remembering what each Pokemon looked like, but that's only because I never really played r/s/e, and a quick Google image search solved that problem for me, anyway.

My biggest concerns with this latest chapter revolve around your treatment of Katarina, or more specifically, everyone's reaction to said treatment. First of all, why did Blaziken and Manectric react so violently to the Aquas they walked in on? Blaziken, perhaps, I can understand, as we don't know exactly what Flannery has spoken to him about, but I'm sure she's touched on the darker aspect of human nature with him. But Manectric? You've mentioned a few times: "The concept of rape was a very human concept..." So I would expect Manectric, who knows little to nothing about the concept of rape, would have simply been confused at the sight of Aqua organs being in places they shouldn't be. I understand he has his own sense of justice, but he should be at least somewhat disconcerted over this new kind of weapon that he has never seen before. Simply put, if rape is a human weapon, then Pokemon shouldn't know much about it if they aren't told anything (like Gardevoir back in arc 1).

Second is Katarina's reaction to the horrors committed against her. Rape, as I'm sure everyone knows, is a horrible thing. Victims have been known to go into catatonic stupors, even going as far as to pretend they are in another place where they are not being raped, or inventing a split personality that only arises when they are being assaulted. Of course those are the more extreme cases, but the worst part about rape is that it dehumanizes people. You did a good job of showing that at first, when Katarina didn't move an inch even after she was freed; when she froze in place after she heard the Aqua's voice; and Flannery's decision to place the males a distance away from her so they don't frighten her even further. But later on (an hour or two later, by my estimate) not only is she back on her feet like nothing happened, but she's protecting Slash and standing up against Kaiko. Now I don't doubt that in a normal state of mind she would do something like that, but is she really completely recovered after just an hour? Even if she's the Sky Maiden chosen by Rayquaza, even if she's a very strong willed ten year old, it's only been a very short time since she was raped, and I would imagine she would still be feeling very, very upset. I suppose the gist of my point is that when used correctly, rape is a powerful literary weapon, and you should keep in mind its effects when you're writing a character suffering from its psychological aftereffects.

Kaiko next. He says: "If there's anything I've learned from my life, it's that honor is a joke...pathetic little rules made by those too weak to win at life any other way." This places me under the impression that he doesn't give two shits about honor, which of course makes him a pretty badass guy. But then not much later he says this: "...no one will die for me. A king who cannot fight on his own behalf does not deserve to rule." Which sounds a lot like honor. So is he honorable or not? He can be a good antagonist either way, just make sure he doesn't contradict himself.

Other minor things: "(Another close call,) Psymakio thought to herself, wiping sweat from her forehead. (I need to get used to the diminished teleport range and get the most out of each jump, or I'm done for.)" Normally when people think things like this, they don't actually think the sentence out. It would fit better if it was written into the narrative, I think. There were a few other remarks that sounded a bit silly being spoken/thought out, but it wasn't that big of an issue.

A technical suggestion: To make the big hueg chapters easier on the eyes (and browsers), perhaps split them into a few parts and post them together (Cataclysm part 1, Cataclysm part 2, etc) and make the splits at logical places (like when the viewpoint jumps from Flannery's party to Slash's party). It would make the big chapters a little less imposing and make it easier for people to take a break and find their place again later.

So yeah, there were a few things that distracted me, but for the most part this was a very enjoyable chapter. Apologies if anything came off as rude. I very much like this story, and my way of showing my affection is to point out ways to make it better. Also I'm looking forward to Slash going back to see his folks, and whether or not he'll tell them about his mating bond. If my parents and I existed in this universe, I'm sure they'd be somewhat sympathetic. Any estimate on the next chapter?
Report Review
From Perfect Purity on August 31, 2009
Whew... talk about intense. It was definitely worth the wait. Every time I read this (and especially this chapter), I am just blown away at how such a complex tale could come from a single dude's mind. With Twisted Futurity getting updated recently, and then this gargantuan monster of a chapter finally updated, it's been a good week for AFF.

I found one small grammar error though:

"You...bastard..." Kiako cupped the stump of his shoulder with his remaining hand, trying to stem the flow of blood that spilled onto the dirt. "You took my arm...the most visible sign that I am superior to humanity! You BASTARD!]

Negligible considering everything else was spot on, but I thought you may want to know just for the sake of having this be error-free.

When you said that this chapter was over 60,000 words, I thought for SURE this was the end of Arc 2, but if it's not... man. I noticed you removed "finish Arcs 3 and 4" from your profile, lol. :3

Keep it up! This is great stuff. Looking forward to chapter 30. :D
Report Review
From Stormborn Apostle on August 31, 2009
soundwave---Hopefully the next one (which will be much shorter) won't take anywhere near as long to finish...

Ausare---Never played that, lol.

KyronNost---I'm glad you liked it. Heh, sounds like you feel for Sinners what I feel for my favorite fanfic...which means I've done what I set out to accomplish.

Draconstein---You're very welcome.

Vyers---Errors fixed; it's possible that one of the betas caught it and I simply screwed it up when I melded the post-beta drafts together.

Incidentally, RAYQUAZA CARES NOTHING FOR YOUR LACK OF WONDER AND REMINDS YOU THAT IF HE WERE TO HAVE A PENIS, IT WOULD LIKELY BE AROUND TEN FEET OR LONGER. JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER FROM A DRAGON. :-D

The "important" killcount was low because we're still comparatively early in the story. I don't start killing off my main cast until at least halfway through. Or until I get writer's block and do the Stephen King solution used in The Stand (offing half the characters and writing the other half's reaction)...

Heh, I don't completely make it up as I go along, but the story is pretty much out of my hands. I know the basic backbone details of the entire story---I knew, from the earliest chapters, that shit would go down at Chimney---but a lot of the smaller details are thought of at the beginning of the Arc, or even just before I start writing the chapter. And even those things that I DO know are subject to change. Torkoal was never meant to die, Watson was never meant to become nearly as important, Flannery was originally planned to...well, that's not important. I've never been one to rigidly cling to outlines, heh.

And yeah, with this chapter, the intro is pretty much done. It'll probably be truly done after Rayquaza answers a few questions for Slash and Psymakio in the coming chapter(s).

red_ghost16---If you find it, let me know and I'll fix it.

I'm not a fan of dark cliffhangers, although I'll definitely have a good number of them later in the story. After so much shit the protagonists have gone through...the brutality of the desert, Miyako's attack on Slash, the corrupted Pokemon...it was time for a happier ending, lol. The next chapter won't be very dark at all, though it also won't be happy sunshine and rainbows (Hoenn will be dealing with the aftermath of a catastrophe, after all).
Report Review
From puffball64 on August 31, 2009
This monster took me 2 hours to read.
Good stuff, Slash.

It's understandable that there were still some errors in the writing however. I recall finding one besides the two the above user posted about, but can't recall where it was located.

I was really hoping for a dark ending, but this was adequate.
Report Review
From ANON - Draconstein on August 31, 2009
First and foremost, You are a fantastic writer. The way your stories engulf the mind and entangle the senses if just amazing. I've followed this story since Arc: 1 - Chapter 1, And every new chapter brings me more and more joy. I constantly re-check for updates (though I know they don't happen THAT often) and when one appers, everything else stops so that I can read. You deserve more then just reviews and ratings, your story feels more like a book then a fan-fiction. I look foreward to many more chapters, amazing works of art, and most of all..A happy ending. Thank you for putting so much time into this amazing story.
Report Review
From ANON - KyronNost on August 31, 2009
I've just spent the last two hours reading this monstrous chapter that we've been so eagerly waiting for. And I must say Slash, the wait was well worth it. This latest chapter was a emotional roller coaster ride, the suspense, the drama, the action and the fantastic conclusion... to say it was perfect is an understatement. I haven't read anything that has grabbed me as fully as this story has. It grabs you, moves you, makes you think/feel things you haven't felt in far too long. I applaud you and all involved in the making of this installment, the result was definately greater than the sum of its parts.

I (along with many other avid fans I'm sure) await the next installment to this great work.

Keep it true Slash
~KyronNost
Report Review
From osirisavenger on August 30, 2009
All the weird things Kiako did with his arm made me want to play Prototype...
Report Review
From ANON - soundwave on August 30, 2009
hey greate work it only took you very long but it was worth it good work
Report Review
From Stormborn Apostle on August 30, 2009
Imasuky Lomae---I'll take that as a good thing?

Psyence---As the story progresses and Slash 'n pals become more isolated and solitary, everyone will get closer personality treatments. Especially poor Growlithe, who is overdue for his time in the sun...

Arc 2 is ALMOST done---this is the climax of it, pretty much---but it'll still be a few chapters yet. After all, Arc 2 is called "The Three Pearls", and that last Pearl remains elusive...but not for much longer.

Shucks howdy, though, will I enjoy writing the next couple chapters, which will include Slash finally going home to see his folks after all this time. :-D

Pysclone---I honestly didn't intend to kill Torkoal. Really, I didn't. It wasn't in my notes or my outline. It just...happened. I'M A MONSTER.

The next chapters will include the post-Fallarbor recovery, both in terms of everyone mending up and Hoenn responding to the catastrophe; more Rayquaza; as mentioned above, Slash going home; and, of course, direly needed fluff-time for the poor couple.

And thank you very much for the kind words.
Report Review
From ANON - Pysclone on August 30, 2009
Wow. That was an amazing conclusion to this part of the story. The battles were intense and vicious, like I imagine a syndicate criminal's pokemon would be. This chapter was well worth the wait, and kept me on the edge of my seat the more I got into it. I am just amazed and awed at it, you did an awesome job with the story, and I can't wait to see what happens next, explaining everything and whatnot. This has to be one of the greatest stories I've ever read, fanfiction or no, you've got the makings of a great author.
Report Review
From Bishonen on August 30, 2009
Beyond Words.

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae
Report Review
From Stormborn Apostle on August 30, 2009
HsdaMKII---A very long time? It only took...a few months...

Incidentally, YOU'RE A MONSTER. Poor Ted's parents are crying their eyes out and you're laughing about it.

...rofl

Vyers---Slash is not a great public speaker.

Xain---Then this next chapter will take you twenty fucking hours.

J. Winter---I have a feeling Silver will become one of my favorite characters to write (it'll be a while yet before he's a "main character"), mainly because he was my favorite "rival" from the games. I took that, melded a few disparate pieces of canon together, and bam, instant bad-ass who, if he ever had any angst, left it behind long ago. Like a Luke Skywalker after the "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE" stage. XD

Bret---Other swell music for this arc: NIGHTWISH PLZ

THIS IS THE END OF ALL HOPE

dragoslove---One of my betas actually brought this up, and I may very well do it. Slash's telepathy will either be made into Psymakio's format (which is only italics because some sites fuck up your formatting if you use brackets, thinking that it's incomplete HTML) or given a less obtrusive framing (like the other brackets used for Pokemon speech). Bold would be reserved for "higher entities", replacing all-caps completely. This is something I'm likely to do when I'm finished with Arc 2 (in a few chapters)---I'll be damn near re-writing Arc 1, so that'd be the perfect time to shift everything towards a better format.

Imasuky Lomae---Heh. Indeed.

J. Winter---Giovanni has dug up lots of stuff. The problem is that a lot of it's broken or rotten from age. For something like a gun, reconstructing it isn't too difficult---the principles are relatively easy to grasp and the materials needed are in abundance. For something like a nuke, though, Giovanni not only has to learn nuclear physics, but he also needs to learn how to create the required fuel for the thing. It'll take some time.

The old human kingdom, armed with guns and nukes, LOST the war against the Pokemon once the King emerged. But in modern-day Hoenn, there is no King, the Great Ones are not allied with anyone, and there is an over-reliance on Pokemon labor. Should Giovanni reconstruct the old tools of war, he could very well fuck shit up. Big time.

Also, any similarities you see to the Dark Tower are totally intentional, heh. The very concept of the Shadow as a multiverse shattering motherfucker was based on it, and there will be plenty of other references to it, both in name (such as the "Black Thirteen" in the next chapter) and function (thinny-like distortions beginning to emerge). Heh.

DemonicStrife---While I never intended for the story to go on this long, this is pretty much the idea I had in mind when I first started writing, heh. As important as the issue of Slash and Psymakio coming together is, the story is not pure romance; it's about an adventure (or cataclysm) unfolding around said romance. The details were sketchy at first, though, lol. And I never thought that the chapters would reach 20000 words. Or 30000.

...or 60000.

my god what have i done

ClydeAurion---The pace will pick up as the story unfolds. Believe it or not, this is still comparatively early in the story...

Vyers---The shorter chapters will continue. It's just that Cataclysm is the climax of the Fallarbor "mini"-arc, and thus is gigantic, lol. The next chapter, and those following it, will be smaller and more frequent, though there will still be the occasional monster.

Janus...oh, boy. I almost want to delete it as is now, or change it thoroughly. Yeah, I intended it to be a short-chapter deal that I'd update whenever I wasn't in the mood for the main Sinners story, but then I just sorta lost that spark of an idea. I kinda want to make it deal with what Mewtwo's going through at the time of Sinners itself, with only a small chunk of his backstory (creation, emergence, rebellion, escape) and then jump to what's happening to him now---his reaction to the veil and Rayquaza and the like. I could do that without tossing it, and maybe I will when the second arc is completed.

Imasuky Lomae---Heh, those two will get to meet properly in the next chapter, when Mauville again becomes the good guys' base of operations.

Satoku---It turned out that editing and drafting a chapter longer than a good deal of books takes more time and effort than I initially anticipated, shockingly, especially when I, uh, don't do this for a living and have a life to live at the same time?

And no, I ain't anywhere near running out of gas. I just spent a few months on a road-trip of very lengthy proportions.

ragdoll---Hilariously, this isn't the longest gap between chapters, and those chapters were half the length of this one. In a sense I'm actually speeding up, at least in the terms of words-per-day.

Satoku---It was never intended to be a shocking secret---the closest there came to a "WHAT A TWIST" moment was her and Blaziken in the shower together. It's more of a compare-and-contrast deal---how similar/different are Flannery and Blaziken compared to Slash and Psymakio? How have they kept their relationship hidden for so long, especially when they're the focus of an entire city? And how would they deal with being "outed" to the world (although it's not yet revealed how Slash and Psymakio would, it'll come up eventually)?

In any case, even if it was suspense that I was going for, changing so many chapters to hide the information would be a shitload of work---tens of thousands of words of it---and that's not something I would enjoy. The suspense issues in Sinners don't really begin until after this next chapter, due to the events that happen within this chapter; as lengthy as these first two arcs are, they're still merely setting up the main story.

Uploading new chapter now...
Report Review
From Satoku on August 28, 2009
The scene where Flannery reveals her knowledge of Slash and Psymakio's relationship felt rather flat to me. This is because the reader already knows the extent of Flannery and Blaziken's relationship, thus we knew Slash and Psymakio were in no danger. I can see that Flannery is going to be an important character in the story, but before this scene her "inappropriate" relationship with her Pokemon is not overly critical to the plot.

In order to add some drama to this chapter, I propose: Keep Flannery and Blaziken's real relationship a secret from the reader until she reveals it to Slash and Psymakio. There are all kinds of clever ways to hint at it, and of course you should, but by telling us beforehand, the scene where she outs Slash and Psymakio is devoid of any tension, as the reader is already well aware that Slash and Psymakio are in no real danger. By withholding a little bit of information and revealing it at the proper time, you can add that tension in, and make the scene a lot more exciting.

I like where this story is going, but your pacing could use a little speeding up. Though that might have to do with the several month wait in between chapters, lol.
Report Review
From aragdoll on August 23, 2009
Longest. Week. Ever.

C'mon slaaash ;-;
Report Review
From Satoku on August 21, 2009
"Chapter 29 of Sinners, Cataclysm, has been finished and is currently in the editing stages. It should be uploaded in a week or so."
>in a week or so

Lies. Your writing has started to get rather bland toward the last few chapters, and now it's been months since the last update. Running out of gas, Slash?
Report Review