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Reviews for More Than a Feeling

By : Mono
  • From on January 27, 2009
    Hello there. I've been trawling the depths of the Pokemon section and I happened upon your story. I'd prefer not to leave a large review, so I'll keep things short, but I'm not going to BS you or pull any punches. That would be cheating us both.

    First off, points for originality. Human/Medicham (I'm going to take a leap of logic and assume there will be no lemon until Meditite's evolution) is something I've never seen before. However, the fact that I can predict this (and if I'm wrong feel free to ignore the remainder of this paragraph) is one of the problems with the story. I saw the Beast tag, there is one human character, and he currently has one female Pokemon. It's a fairly straightforward formula that I'll admit I've used in the past. If you were hoping to surprise anyone with that, just be aware of that.

    And while I'm on the subject of the human character, there are a few things I'd like to address. Young guy, nicer to his Pokemon than most Trainers, traumatic past...there's a formula there, too. It doesn't exactly help that he's telling the story, either. One of the opening paragraphs in the first chapter is devoted entirely to describing John's appearance, simply for the benefit of the readers. Wouldn't it be better to have his physical appearance revealed as other characters looked at him? I have no problem with narrators within a story (I do it myself), but he has quite the personal interest vested in the story. And without guessing too much, I'm willing to say now that John will be recieving some kind of Psychic powers from his eventual coupling with Gwen.

    Gwen...my thoughts on her are more stylistic than anything. I see this a lot in Pokemon stories: the Pokemon that can talk speak very much like humans, and Gwen is no exception. She talks just like John and seems to know the names of human things without any prior knowledge of them. That I could pass off as just picking things up from her Trainer's thoughts.

    Grammar and style. On the surface the story is mechanically sound, but...that's the surface. I'm seeing some wavering between the past and present tenses in Chapter 2. While it doesn't take away that much from the experience, closing quotation marks with periods and then following them with narration in the same paragraph is bad form. And I noted a few misspelled words in the story; this rips your reader out of the stream of consciousness and beats them over the head with the fact that they are reading a story. There's a lot of go-between with the passive and active voices, and the juxtaposition is jarring; one sentence shows us something, and then the next will tell us something else. Again, it's jarring.

    Now, I am by no means a literature critic. I'm a writer, and I think a decent one. And I would like to see some of these points, if only the grammatical errors, rectified. Like I've said, this is a very rare, if not completely unique, pairing, and I would certainly like to see it finished. But the story is putting a great deal of strain on my suspension of disbelief, if only with the constant reminder that it is a story. I can understand that writing is not your top priority, and there are other things in my own life that keep me from writing when I rather would be. But if you're going to completely ignore your writing in favor of going to parties and getting wasted, then don't tease us. If you're not going to finish the story, then either take it down or let someone else continue it.
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  • From Mono on August 04, 2008
    Ya, in the next chapter all that capitalization stuff is worked out, so it should be all right now. Its kinda weird actually writing a story instead of just reading one. Major, major difference.
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  • From Perfect Purity on August 02, 2008
    Looking good so far. You've got a few problems with capitalization - stuff like Chimchar, Turtwig, Sandgem Town... all need to be capitalized. Work on that. I'll be sure to check out the next chapter.
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