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Reviews for charizard fantasy

By : inuyashajoe
  • From Boganwendy on January 02, 2009
    ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
    LMFAO.

    I laughed my ass off at this garbage. Please, create more so I can laugh at the small mind that you're obviously displaying when you post these pathetic 'fantasies'

    HAHAHA!
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  • From RAW19 on December 22, 2008
    Interesting, but horribly short. I'm assuming that's as far as the dream went before you woke up? It might be interesting if you were to write a second, what-if, chapter...
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  • From Revu on December 22, 2008
    OK now I'm not a beast kinda guy, but I always like to leave reviews to see what I can do to help someone's writing.

    First off the story was incredibly short. You really haven't allotted the time and detail to get the reader familiar with the character. I would recommend somehow mentioning more information on the main character to make it all feel more personal. This can be difficult from first person perspective on the main character unless you just blurt out a lot of information all in the beginning. That can make the character sound pompous, so I really try staying away from that.

    The conversation the main character has with his brother is just confusing. First off I'm not really getting the "TylerboltXp" and "TigerboltXp" thing. If that's supposed to be a reference, I'm afraid I'm missing it and it's just sounding weird. (I took a deep breath as I reached for the knob, opened the door and there was TylerboltXp my brother playing Xbox 360 with his friend TigerboltXp… they were playing gears of war 2. Hello guys I am back. I am going to draw a bath then I need to go for a walk “ok I will” Tyler said.) There are no quotation marks around what the main character is saying which makes it hard for the reader to acknowledge that he's speaking out loud at first, and then there's an instant response in which Tyler makes it sound like he was asked to do something even though there's no question or order in the sentence before. That makes this whole paragraph very confusing.

    This story could also greatly benefit from more transitional comments. As an artistic effect sometimes it's good to throw the reader through the scenes of the story to get the idea of disorientation the character is feeling across, but not having transitions is just going to leave the reader confused. For example the character mentions going to take a bath and then will be going for a walk in one paragraph, and in the next is apparently out on that walk. Without a transition the reader has no concept of the passage of time in the story and gets lost.

    By no means is it my intention to criticize your storyline or ideas, I'm merely trying to give you some advice on how to better portray your thoughts to become a good story. Detail is always the key. It's important to be creative, descriptive, and line things up so that they flow smoothly. Once you have that then you become more concerned with grammar and the like.

    I would encourage you to write more. Read, write, and practice and you'll find your writing will improve. Good luck!
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