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Reviews for Kyouya\'a Attention

By : Namrea87
  • From Mirrors1984 on May 11, 2011
    There's a couple of huge problems in this fic: 1. The grammar. 2. Self-insertion (you've made a point of giving her the same name as your penname as well as a non-Japanese first name. Big sign of a Mary Sue.) 3. Plot? and 4. Short-chapters. I'm not saying it as a put down because I would like to see more of this fic in the future if you do decide to pick it up again, but these small factors kinda threw me off from time to time. (I make OCs myself, so it's not as easy as 'non-believers' like to think. Sometimes I prefer reading only OC fics if I see the disturbing trend of 'only one female love interest' like Ouran is sadly categorized in many fanfic sites, other than Kagome in IY and a bunch of other animes that seem to have writers focusing on one female with all males.). To tell you the truth, this was the first fic I read in this section but since you hadn't updated it for awhile I wasn't sure if I should say anything, but hopefully you'll update soon. =)
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  • From ToriYummemiya on December 06, 2010
    COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what is that????? just leave it hanging like no one's business!!!! update update upload upload!!!!!!!

    ADT
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  • From ANON - Anon on August 11, 2010
    This is certainly an interesting plot device to get the ball rolling and have Kyouya wake up, to realize the world around him. I find myself wanting to know what's going on or what will happen, but at the same time this story has a few downfalls that make me reluctant to read further. First of note-- and this one is highly important to most readers-- is spelling and grammar. Punctuation is key, as well as how the paragraphs are spaced. They're very cluttered and disorganized in the first three chapters, for example, but the spacing starts to work in a better flow from chapter four onward. This is easily fixed with either a beta or just a little extra time to read over what you've written a few times before posting. =)

    Next... this seems to be a self-insertion; correct me if I'm wrong. Now, there's nothing wrong with new characters but readers tend to shy away from Self-Inserts because they tend to fall along the lines of Mary-Sue characters-- 'perfect' to an upsetting degree. This is easily fixed too, with a name change and then a bit of rounding the character off with a few flaws (and ones that are accepted as flaws, so some characters might/will not like her) that we learn as the story progresses. I'm not sure what a suitable last name would be for this new girl, but instead of "Rosemary", which doesn't fit since they're in Japan, why not "Koumi"? It means "spice", and that's what Rosemary is-- both the plant and the girl, haha.

    And finally... detail, detail, detail. More detail is always good! ..Okay, not always because there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, but when there's not enough and questions about motive are left unanswered it's time to add more. For instance, in chapter two near the end, why does Kyouya shiver when Rosemary touches him? Is it revulsion, arousal, sensitive nerves, a funny feeling in the back of his mind? Does he see what's about to happen? Does he think about resisting? What's going through his mind, and what's going on around him? Did he hear a gasp of surprise when Rosemary kissed him, just before the room fell silent? These are the types of things you want to ask yourself. Try to imagine the entire scene as it unfolds, through Kyouya's eyes.

    I know this all is pretty daunting and I've dumped a lot in your lap. I hope you don't think I'm picking on you, or anything. I just want to try helping you grow as a writer and make this idea flourish. I hope these pointers help you, and I look forward to reading more. =)
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  • From Namrea87 on June 10, 2010
    You may have all noticed I was gone for quite a while, But I am now back, and I will finally finish the story XD
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  • From on June 20, 2009
    I am intrigued. who is this girl? hoping that kyouya will take an intrest in her.
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