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Reviews for An \"Escape Attempt\"

By : MetalWing
  • From ANON - Person on December 20, 2004
    I personally didn't like the way you wrote this fic. It was hard to read because there was no real paragraphs seperating speech, thus making it difficult to figure out who was talking. Also, it would have been better to not input another character of your own, just confuses people. It would be better if you used a different character from the anime itself so you don't confuse people so much. Otherwise it was okay.
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  • From ANON - katwingz on November 30, 2004
    Ok, for one thing, this story was really too short considering its content and the pairing within. Anything involving Knives requires a great many CHAPTERS to get over the fact that the man HATES anyone other than his brother. I know, you said that Knives was OOC. But...you neglected to mention this in the summary warnings that people usually read before clicking on a fic. This is a very, VERY important thing. Also, you need to warn your readers that there is an OC involved. Your summary holds great promise, as does your fic. It just needs to be quite a bit longer.
    Setup is very important; we have no idea what kind of a ship Jaz is on, why Knives is captive on it, and how long this has been going on. How did Jaz come to be in possession of such a prisoner? Are they in space over Knives's planet, or somewhere else entirely? And just how did Jaz come to be what he was? Who created him? Details, my friend. Readers ADORE details about characters. Telling a little about the ship itself would also be helpful; is it a starcruiser, a prisoner transport, cargo, what?
    So, yes, you have what could become a very good story. Just keep working on it. If you would like, I would be more than willing to be a beta for further versions of this story - please feel free to email me.
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  • From ANON - ..... on November 30, 2004

    Hn... Try breaking up your paragraphs. So it's easier to read. ^^;;; (eally, really hard to read this story, jsut saying).


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