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Reviews for You Made Me

By : SweetChildDeath
  • From ANON - arora_kayd on June 15, 2005
    oh, mi god. you are brilliant. that was amazing. so beautiful and sad amd just wow.
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  • From ANON - Katwingz on April 07, 2005
    Jebus Chrust, the ANGST! This was...spectacular, you captured all the emotions so well and, once again, you've made me feel inadequate in capturing Vash's state of mind. However, I did note a few things that you might want to consider correcting. I am an editor-in-training, so don't take this personally if this seems to be nit-picky. Its just that your writing is usually so polished I can't find anything majorly wrong with it. It was surprising to note the things that I did find, and so I decided to go over this with a fine-toothed comb, figuring that while I was at it I might as well do a thorough job of it.

    1. "Vash’s fist tightened and against loose sand and rock as he shook his head." - Either remove the first 'and' in the sentence, or remove the 'as', and this sentence will flow more smoothly.

    2. "Or burst into peals untamed, child-like laughter." - I think you forgot the 'of' between 'peals' and 'untamed.'

    3. "A detached voice that Vash vaguely recognized as being his own told him that he was starting to scare the others; Only there were no others." - Remove the semicolon and simply make this two separate sentences, or remove the semicolon, uncapitalize the 'o' in 'only' and put a dash inbetween the two clauses. There are several places in the story where you've done something similar that need to be changed as well. Don't feel too bad about it - I seem to recall another friend of mine that has the same problem...*cough*Jayne*cough*

    4. "And as quickly as Vash’s anger had flared up, it gutted out." - I think 'guttered' is the right word here; gutted brings to mind images of gory animal sacrifices. *grin* Also, for a bit of embellishment, add 'like a used-up torch' to the end of the sentence. This, obviously, is optional, and is merely my own imagination at work.

    5. "Silent he stared vaguely at a bit of canvas that whipped in the wind like a banner." - This is kinda tricky. The sentence can't exist solely as it is; it either needs to have more added to it or something taken from it. *thinks* Maybe something like, "Silent now, he stared blankly out into the desert, where a bit of canvas whipped in the wind like a tattered banner."

    6. " “You said you wouldn’t leave me.” He choked out at length. " - This is me being real nit-picky, but when you have dialogue followed by He/She blahblahblah, its customary to use a comma instead of a period inside the quotation marks. The obvious exceptions to this are when the dialogue ends in an exclamation or a question mark. There are many, many people who DON'T do this, but its always been something that bothers me.

    7. Lastly, and this is once again a debateable grammar thing, dialogue is usually indented every time it crops up. The only exceptions to this are when the same character says something, followed by a block of text, and then continues speaking. The first piece of dialogue would be indented, but the second would not have to be. It's a small thing, but it helps a great deal in clarifying what is going on and who is saying what. Plus, it just looks a lot cleaner on the page.

    *Looks at the MASSIVELY LONG review* Perhaps I should have merely emailed this...O.o;; Once again, it was not my intention to insult you with this. If it would make you feel any better, I would dearly love for someone to take MY fic apart piece by piece and show me what I've messed up with so I can make it better. In the end, that is my only goal: to take already good stories, or ones that show the potential for being good, and make them BETTER.
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