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Reviews for Aizaka\'s Heritage Ch.1

By : Gnostic
  • From ANON - Ana on January 01, 2006
    Read the reviewer's comment before mine. Marty Stu and part II rhyme. Ha ha...
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  • From ANON - Ana on January 01, 2006
    I tried to do what you said - read and give constructive criticism, but um.. well... i took notes so....
    -"Oh finally we cached up to you darling" change cached to caught, the past tense of catch.
    -Work on your syntax.
    -The main character's name, Eddie, its so boring. (I know what your thinking: this girl's name is Ana and she is saying Eddie is boring. Well Ana is my nickname, my real name is Russian, but im not. Ana was a name given to me by some people i met from New York last year, but I'm rambling now so... back to the criticism) I'm guessing the setting is somewhere in the East. so give him a more Oriental name.
    -The part where that girl falls on top of him should be "I've never seen her face LIKE THIS before." I read it and was like "WTF how could he never see her face?" Oh Nodoka was her name... i think.
    -Use page breaks
    -Develop your settings better: Like this one part you describe the pavement, but i don't know what kind of school they go to, i don't know much about the characters except hair and eyecolor. I think you should tell the big picture first then you can go into what kind of shrubs grow out of the cracks of the sidewalk.
    -I don't get why people don't like wizards.
    -Does Negi like Eddie? as in more than friends. You could have a love triangle forming there.
    -Damn this is long (I actually wrote this on the page with the notes I was taking)
    -It's like 3 am, im tired, and sorry but I cant finish this maybe another time.
    Ok so those are the notes i took when reading. This is the longest review I have ever written. Yay for me! Ummm... so good luck with your story. I liked that other story you wrote a lot. I reviewed that too. just not this much. I hope you actually do read this and im not writing it for nothing. Remember i tried to do constructive criticism. I hope you don't think i was being bitchy. Anywayz, *yawns* im sleepy, i'll try to continue some other time ok. TTFN (Ta Ta For Now)
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  • From ANON - quamp on November 08, 2005
    It would be pretty good except there are quite a number of factual errors and plot items that shoot it down.
    Among the factual errors are:
    1. The school Negi teaches at is an all girl's school.
    2. The school uniform skirts are plaid, not gray.
    3. Nodoka lives in a dorm room on campus down the hall from Asuna.

    It's also pretty obvious that Eddie is a Marty Stu. I can't put it more gently than that. I recommend a serious numer of revisions in before going onto part II.
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