I know this piece is old, and it is perhaps that your style has changed greatly since this was written (I found this via the forums - promote a story thread you had posted). I would like to mention a few things about this piece in particular:

First, I realize that you were likely commenting on the visual style of the Anime; however, the statement They got the usual glimpse of panties from both combatants. honestly made me question whether this was a spoof fic. Reading further, it does not appear to be one, so I am going to suggest that, since this is a different medium rather than commenting on their art style you describe the action. Several times within this story you have sections where you rely on the reader to visualize events and scenes which you spend little to no time describing. Please remember that, as a reader, I am not looking at an image. I rely on the author to describe the scene for me so that I can visualize it.

For example, there's a point where you're describing one of the couples having sex, and the only way that you describe their intercourse is by telling me which positions they tried. To be frank, the lack of description hinders me from becoming involved with your characters and reading more of your story.

My second piece of advice is to eliminate colloquialisms from your text. "They got busy" simply doesn't sound professional. That this piece is mainly PWP is even more reason to eliminate such phrases as they completely destroy any mood which may have been established by that point.

In this same vein, I would encourage you to eliminate numeric characters and metric abbreviations from your prose. I appreciate wanting to tell us that she expected him to be short and he was a good deal longer. It simply appeals more to me as a reader to see the words "twelve centimeters" rather than 12 cm. The latter rather makes me feel more like I'm viewing a school mathematics assignment.

Equally as distracting, especially given that this occurs during sex scenes, is your use of "69" repeatedly. I appreciate that you're fond of the position, but this means of reference is off-putting.

My third piece of advice is in regards to transitions. You really seem to have very little of them, and this piece jumps constantly between pairs. Since the sex described between them is virtually the same, and the only context I see the characters in for the most part is having sex, I felt as though I was reading the same section repeatedly. As a result, the whole story seemed to be an exercise in repetition, the same scene involving different characters.

One point at which this would be very useful is when you have Hakafu getting a spanking in the kitchen. Without the transition, it was shocking to go from a moment where sexual activity was being discussed to a moment of non-sexual discipline in a manner that most could consider sexual.

My fourth point to you is in regards to the continual reference to the nosebleeds. I understand that it is an Anime farcical implement, and can certainly be used here to great effect. I would like to suggest that if you are going to employ this reference that you be consistent in your dealing with it. I'm referring specifically to the intercourse between Koukin and Ukitsu; Koukin is supposed to be wearing a clothespin on his nose throughout. As a result, when he is stimulating her orally, as this couple is not engaged in the sixty-nine position, the clothespin would be touching her in some manner. This could be distracting to a woman, or it could be used to stimulate. However, once you have her place the clothespin on his nose to eliminate the potential for him passing out from blood loss - as you have one character mention that she expects he would, you seem to ignore the implement altogether.

Additionally, the scenes at the end of chapter one where Goei and Hakafu are discussing Hakafu's budding sexuality are somewhat disturbing. The statement "I know you are becoming a woman now. It seems like just yesterday that I was changing your diapers... Well, I know you and Genzou are going to have sex soon." is extremely distressing. I realize you're trying to demonstrate the moment that, as a mother, Goei realizes her daughter is grown, but that construction rather disrupts the flow of the story. If you were trying to capture comedic value with such a statement, I would recommend placing an author's notation at the beginning of your story letting your readers know that some comedic elements may unintentionally cause offense.

Directly after this you introduce two characters into your story who have previously had no involvement in the story. Their placement is not developed, and since I have no reference for their inclusion at this point, it seems superfluous to include them, as they have no interaction with the other characters after they've been introduced. I do not know that I would not eliminate the short snippets that include them in chapter two and simply include the intercourse between Hakafu and Genzou at the end of the first chapter, with your closing paragraph.

Overall, I think you could have something workable with your idea if you developed your characters more and took into consideration a good bit of the technical points of writing. At this point, however, the story seems to be more of an attempt at a parody on the Anime than what I believe you intended.
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