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Reviews for Baby of Mine

By : NekoGirlLara
  • From ANON - Fay on September 23, 2007
    Again too short and more detail woud have been good, but still your writing style is good.

    1."NO, I JUST SPILLED WATER ON MYSELF!!! YES I KNOW MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!!"
    I believe that there are too many !!! and there should be a comma after 'yes'

    2. "Just a bit longer, Sakura, then you'll be able to push. Might I ask who the father is?" She asked looking at the two men.
    Here you have the doctor come in and ask the 'two men' who the father is. That is fine. The thing that was confusing was that you used 'she' when the doctr was talking. It is fine that the docture is a women, but you have to write docture instead of she, because there is aleady a woman in the room (Sakura) and when you put 'she' it's not clear which female you were talking about.

    Well that al for the second chapture. I believe that over all for the second chapture that there could be less !!!. I like the story thus far and hope to see some improvement. More detail will give more length to the story and improve the overall quality of the fic. Good work and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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  • From ANON - Fay on September 23, 2007
    First chapture:
    Good Writing style, ye there is still some that can be impoved.

    1. Touya soon calmed, but still wanted to hurt Syaoran badly.

    It's important that one use a different verb that does not end with ly. Reworking it will imprive the over all quality of the first chap.

    2. And so it went, Sakura began to grow with the child, Syaoran couldn't be reached, and Sakura's family became worried as Sakura reached her due date.

    Consider putting this under the *5 weeks later* time. Reason is that if you have it under the 9 months later it is confuing because a person with child does not grow after nine months. Next on this, it's better not to begin a sentence with 'and'. Last I believe that it might sound better if it was written, with child, as apposed to ' with the child'.

    Okay well I hope that this helps some and I enjoyed the first chapture although it was somewhat short.

    ~Fay

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  • From ANON - Shadow on September 18, 2007
    I commend you on making this story so long...sometimes it's hard for me to get past chapter 8, but I believe you're story is to fast. Things are happening to fast, I mean like a couple of days after Lee learns Sakura's dead and he already found someone else? That's unlikely in any love story. It took him to fast to get over it, normal people take years to get over the death of the loved ones, theirs no way that Lee would be looking at someone so soon. And, I'm sorry but what's the point of bring Sakura back just to reincarnate her into someone else. I don't mean to mean but this is not realistic, and the pace for this is way to fast. Keep trying though and never quit.
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