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Reviews for Small Joys

By : spinelsun
  • From yakaji on January 03, 2009
    You're right, there's too little Lavi/Lenalee going around out there. I was happy to see something here on aff.net written by NOT-me, so I figured I should do my part and review. (~_^)

    I think the high point of this story, for me, was the vocabulary. You did a good job varying your language in most places, so that the erotica didn't get old. When you're writing straight-up sex, it's easy to find yourself in a rut - saying the same things over and over again. You avoided that nicely by changing up the words you used throughout (but not so much that I felt confused by word choice, as a reader).

    Speaking of confusion, though, I would like to recommend that you do a proofreading pass or two on future stories. There are a lot of small grammatical errors (particularly tense and plurality agreements) and missing words, and as a reader, I found that those problems DID create confusion. Even if momentary, any confusion is bad because it forces the reader out of the narrative and reminds them that they're reading, not experiencing.

    The last thing I'd like to comment on is... I'll call it the "ancilliary material". Obviously, this piece isn't meant to have a deep and involving story. It's Lavi and Lenalee having sex - pure, simple, and unapologetic. But in focusing on just the act of intercourse, I kinda feel like you've ignored other aspects even contained within this piece. The two things I was disappointed by in this piece were the foreplay and the dialogue. On the dialogue front, I just didn't feel like there was a lot of PURPOSE in anything Lavi or Lenalee said. Most of it could have been done with simple descriptive sentences. There wasn't really any emotion behind it - no way to see into the characters any more than we already could by their physical actions.

    As for the foreplay, it just went so fast, and it was kind of lost in a few paragraphs of chaotic jumble. Now, stylistically, one could argue that foreplay should be portrayed as a chaotic jumble, but that's an argument generally better suited to poetry than prose, and I don't feel like it was a stylistic choice here. To be fair, you did MUCH better once Lavi and Lenalee got down to oral sex and actual intercourse - those were all rendered with enough detail for the reader to follow the progression of acts easily. But before they get down to it, there's kind of a flurry of action that accomplishes very little. In erotica, I believe that the description of foreplay should serve exactly the same purpose that foreplay itself serves in sex - to make the reader/recipient more excited for what's about to come. If it's rushed and unfocused, it doesn't do much to accomplish that purpose - either in writing or in reality.

    I hope you don't mind my critical commentary. I think you did a good job here, and I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to read someone else's Lavi/Lenalee. But I did feel a bit disappointed that, for PWP, this wasn't a bit more... fulfilling? (Also, where on earth was the Anal?)
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