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Reviews for The Fate of Time

By : LannaMisho
  • From PokemonPr0nPal3000 on July 09, 2013
    AUGH AFF WTF. Okay, I had a really long review for you explaining everything, but since AFF.net ATE IT here's the abridged version for my poor fingers:
    1) Your story is awesome. I'm going to rip into it because I respect you and I want your work to improve. I wouldn't bother to review TWICE if I didn't think you deserved it. Do not take any corrections as an insult. I'm going to give some nice advice too because I see a lot of potential in this--A LOT of potential. But I am going to point out some stuff to work on. But trust me, I really do like this. Normally I ignore people; you I am interested in and I think you can do some awesome stuff, if you learn to pay attention to the details. SO!
    2) Learn the difference between 'to' and 'too'. You used 'too' when you were supposed to use 'to'. No bueno. It drove me nuts. Look up the diff on Google.
    3) Look up words. You had several spelling mistakes, ones I know SpellCheck should've found, and also word slips, IE 'weather'. 'Weather' is atmospheric conditions. 'Whether', the one you wanted, is either expressing a choice between options or an investigation, usually used in indirect questions. When you're in a situation like that, look up a dictionary website and find out the difference, because usually it's a BIG ONE.
    4) Stop with the 'raven' crap. For almost the entire chapter I had no idea what the raven was and why it was hanging out with Ash. I kept trying to figure out if you were referencing a Murkrow. You're making your story sound like a cheap porno. Ash is a human, so use human words like 'boy', 'teen', 'young man', or just 'Ash'. I don't suggest using 'man'; that's usually kept for anyone above 25. Speaking of...
    5) Establish things. Age is apparently a REALLY BIG DEAL in this story. You mentioned it being 5 years multiple times. However, I had no idea how old Sammy was, or even how old Ash was, during the whole chapter. No bueno. Slip it in some description, it doesn't have to be big, just a little dash of "the fifteen year old sighed" and that's it. We know how old Ash is. No more confusion. Always establish the important things, and don't expect your readers to know what you're talking about. I haven't seen that movie in years. Yes, you're writing it for Sammy/Ash fans. Doesn't mean other fans won't stop by for a peek, and will be confused at the author's assumptions about their audience.
    6) Ash's reaction to Sammy's full name was completely unrealistic. Professor Oak has been, if anything, a grandfatherly figure all his life. He's the grandfather of his childhood best friend/rival/best friend again. He probably ate dinner at their house a lot when he was a kid (being friends with Gary), he probably did sleepovers, his mom hangs out with Oak all the time, these two families are connected very tightly in a *platonic way*. Oak houses all of his pokemon, his friend worked for him for a while, he has a good relationship with him--in a mentor/grandfather way. Oak probably even stepped in as a father figure when Ash's dad disappeared. His relationship with Samuel Oak is COMPLETELY different than the relationship with Sammy. Finding out that he just sexed up his mentor would not give him a "well I'll give him a call tomorrow" reaction; it would give him a "what the FUCK JUST HAPPENED" reaction and probably a "he's known me all my life WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME" reaction. (Which I think Oak did. They somewhat referenced it, if I remember correctly.) Now it could be that Oak didn't recognize him as THAT Ash until he got until the age of ten (explaining why he was such a jerk in first season, and why Ash was purposely given a Pikachu--he didn't want to be around the kid he'd fallen in love with, and also knew the kid he knew had a Pikachu) but even right there he'd be feeling all wonked out. I mean, he's the one who gave Ash his Pikachu that he met in the movie. It'd be just so many layers of awkward...not to mention that Ash is, you know, FIFTEEN, and Oak is probably in his fifties, and also possibly dating Ash's mom. I highly doubt Ash would think about that and go "Yes, I'm going to call him tomorrow". I mean, he's dumb, but he's not that dumb. He would at least think of some of the things I'm listing before that phone call.
    7) WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER. I'd love to see what happens next. Hell, if you don't want to, I'd like to get involved. All that above sounds AWESOME.
    8) That's it. I love your story, I think it has tons of potential and could easily be developed into a really cool fic, and honestly a lot of this is nitpicks. The main thing that bothered me was Ash's reaction. That is not how it would work. BUT it EASILY leaves a door open for a sequel!
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  • From ANON - sana on March 11, 2013
    thank arceus! i hinestly though i was alone in liking this couple
    i want nothing more then to see more of it in the archives
    i love it hot steamy and entirely possible
    but just think if ash's charizrd had meet sam's. just think
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