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schedule
April 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I like some parts of this story although a bit rushed in my opinion.
And also, you got some parts of the japanese wrong. "Dai-chan no kawaii" literally means Dai-chan's cute. Which makes no sense. "Dai-chan wa kawaii" literally means Dai-chan is cute. ^^
Hope that helps u.
And also, you got some parts of the japanese wrong. "Dai-chan no kawaii" literally means Dai-chan's cute. Which makes no sense. "Dai-chan wa kawaii" literally means Dai-chan is cute. ^^
Hope that helps u.
schedule
June 7, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I liked and hateds, ts, to be honest. There were parts where I was like \"This is -really- good,\" especially with the verbal exchanges between Hiro and Sakano. But a few points.
1- Sakano\'s first name is Koji. Official first name.
2- Drop the random japanese. It jars the reader to read all this English, then to have a random japanese word. Kami-sama and Daijobu desu could be written in english and not loose impact. On the same note, keep the honoritives [I know I spelled that wrong.. x.ecauecause they can give a feel to the story, especially if a character often uses them in the series. Some characters don\'t when they talk to their friends... Some do. It\'s quite polite.
3- Get a beta-reader... if you haven\'t already. This has a lot of potential and I do like it, but the little errors are wearing on me.
4- Go through your smut scene and see if you can make it less.... like formulated smut.
5- Sakano\'s high-pitched moan? Have you watched the series? Sakano\'sce ice isn\'t that high.... when he gets stressed, he gets a bit higher, but I doubt he would be moaning in a high-pitched tone. That one really made me twitch.
But I liked it. Don\'t get me wrong.. this isn\'t a flame. There\'s just a lot of room for improvement.
~Emi
1- Sakano\'s first name is Koji. Official first name.
2- Drop the random japanese. It jars the reader to read all this English, then to have a random japanese word. Kami-sama and Daijobu desu could be written in english and not loose impact. On the same note, keep the honoritives [I know I spelled that wrong.. x.ecauecause they can give a feel to the story, especially if a character often uses them in the series. Some characters don\'t when they talk to their friends... Some do. It\'s quite polite.
3- Get a beta-reader... if you haven\'t already. This has a lot of potential and I do like it, but the little errors are wearing on me.
4- Go through your smut scene and see if you can make it less.... like formulated smut.
5- Sakano\'s high-pitched moan? Have you watched the series? Sakano\'sce ice isn\'t that high.... when he gets stressed, he gets a bit higher, but I doubt he would be moaning in a high-pitched tone. That one really made me twitch.
But I liked it. Don\'t get me wrong.. this isn\'t a flame. There\'s just a lot of room for improvement.
~Emi
schedule
February 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Nice fic. I hope to see more of your work soon. Ja ne! ^^