schedule
May 27, 2003 at 12:00 AM
You\'re a decent writer, so I\'ll give you some tips on this fic.
- Make your villain a little less 2-dimensional. A rich, cruel man who kills anyone he doesn\'t like and rapes women to death isn\'t as evil/frightening as someone more fleshed out. Also, give him some motivation. Who is he? Who does he work for? How did he insult/be the them so that they had Kaoru taken? Why does he give a damn about Kaoru? Yes, she\'s beautiful and a virgin and yada yada yada, but it sounds like he could find another girl like that very quickly. There\'s a difference between Porn Without Plot and Porn With Poorly Fleshed-Out Plot.
- Once you do that, it should fix my next problem, which is that of Kaoru\'s complacence through this fic. While Kenshin IS taking her away from a cruel man she doesn\'t want to marry, I doubt that she\'d prefer to go with the deadliest man in Japan over staying with her hubby just because Kenshin has pretty hair. Also, she\'s instantly turned on by him and her loins burn for him? Please. While there may be some sort of rape fantasy going on in her head, I doubt she\'d be ready to sleep witm thm that first night she meets him, it being dark and he being a killer and she being petrified and tired.
- Geez, poor horse. They could have broken its back, you know.
=^..^=
- Make your villain a little less 2-dimensional. A rich, cruel man who kills anyone he doesn\'t like and rapes women to death isn\'t as evil/frightening as someone more fleshed out. Also, give him some motivation. Who is he? Who does he work for? How did he insult/be the them so that they had Kaoru taken? Why does he give a damn about Kaoru? Yes, she\'s beautiful and a virgin and yada yada yada, but it sounds like he could find another girl like that very quickly. There\'s a difference between Porn Without Plot and Porn With Poorly Fleshed-Out Plot.
- Once you do that, it should fix my next problem, which is that of Kaoru\'s complacence through this fic. While Kenshin IS taking her away from a cruel man she doesn\'t want to marry, I doubt that she\'d prefer to go with the deadliest man in Japan over staying with her hubby just because Kenshin has pretty hair. Also, she\'s instantly turned on by him and her loins burn for him? Please. While there may be some sort of rape fantasy going on in her head, I doubt she\'d be ready to sleep witm thm that first night she meets him, it being dark and he being a killer and she being petrified and tired.
- Geez, poor horse. They could have broken its back, you know.
=^..^=
schedule
May 26, 2003 at 12:00 AM
OMG!! I love it!! On a scale of 1-10 I give it an 9, it needs an ending. And a little bit more lemon wouldn\'t hurt, so please write more.
schedule
May 24, 2003 at 12:00 AM
ten, yes, ten. definitely an eleven. and definitely more lemon, if that\'s the way you write it. *still having flashbacks of the scene...oh, wait, that\'s the back button...*
schedule
May 24, 2003 at 12:00 AM
1.10
2. Yea!
Enjoyed reading your story so please continue...
2. Yea!
Enjoyed reading your story so please continue...
schedule
May 23, 2003 at 12:00 AM
I rate the lemon at a 7. I think there should be another lemon. Can\'t wait for the next chapter.
schedule
May 23, 2003 at 12:00 AM
that was a 10 lemon!!! please update!! yes, another lemon would be greatly appreciated!!