schedule
January 5, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Not bad, not bad at all... I would however recommend that you leave any explainations for the end or begining of your story. Like the comment about Anderson, you could have left it out completely and it would still have the desired effect.
IE: ...vamp and one nut job priest wielding blessed swords.
And the comment about Fly Me to the Moon. You could have said that it was the ending theme song for NGE in your ending Authors notes. It really ruins the flow of a story if you have to stop suddenly to explain something. It would be the same if the director of a movies suddenly broke into his film to explain why he did what he did. See?
And you seem to have a lot of words in \' \' marks that don\'t need them. It puts unnecessary stress/emphasis on the word, and you do it way too frequently. Save that for when you are making a character say something with sarcasm. Like, if Seras was to say something like \"Ok, \'Master\' Integra.\" Or some such nonesense. See? But other than that, this was freaking hilarious. I can\'t wait to see if you are going to write a second chapter, it looks as if there is room for more with the way you ended this. My ultimate suggestion before posting it ( if you do decide to make a second chapter ) is to get someone to beta read it for you, that way he/she can catch any errors you may have. It looks like this story has a lot of potential to be very humorous with a dash of seriousness added for spice. Keep up the good work! Until next time!! ^_^
IE: ...vamp and one nut job priest wielding blessed swords.
And the comment about Fly Me to the Moon. You could have said that it was the ending theme song for NGE in your ending Authors notes. It really ruins the flow of a story if you have to stop suddenly to explain something. It would be the same if the director of a movies suddenly broke into his film to explain why he did what he did. See?
And you seem to have a lot of words in \' \' marks that don\'t need them. It puts unnecessary stress/emphasis on the word, and you do it way too frequently. Save that for when you are making a character say something with sarcasm. Like, if Seras was to say something like \"Ok, \'Master\' Integra.\" Or some such nonesense. See? But other than that, this was freaking hilarious. I can\'t wait to see if you are going to write a second chapter, it looks as if there is room for more with the way you ended this. My ultimate suggestion before posting it ( if you do decide to make a second chapter ) is to get someone to beta read it for you, that way he/she can catch any errors you may have. It looks like this story has a lot of potential to be very humorous with a dash of seriousness added for spice. Keep up the good work! Until next time!! ^_^