schedule
March 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Again good work!
Your style lends itself better to a romantic lemon as opposed to a lustful lemon, but you handled both types well. I enjoyed the playful feel but serious undertones of this piece. Tenpou and Kenren -- what’s not to love there?
This piece flowed just as well as the last one I read by you and it was technically sound. The clarity slipped just a little bit in the first section. I think it was the when you switched from Kenren POV to Tenpou POV (a group of three paragraphs), it was difficult to determine the POV of that section. I kept shaking my head re-reading. I thought it was still Kenren and tried to make it make sense. Good wordsmithing with embouchure.
Your verbiage put this whole piece in the realm of soft romance and I thought it worked quite well with imbuing the whole piece with an anachronistic tone.
Good job!
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
Your style lends itself better to a romantic lemon as opposed to a lustful lemon, but you handled both types well. I enjoyed the playful feel but serious undertones of this piece. Tenpou and Kenren -- what’s not to love there?
This piece flowed just as well as the last one I read by you and it was technically sound. The clarity slipped just a little bit in the first section. I think it was the when you switched from Kenren POV to Tenpou POV (a group of three paragraphs), it was difficult to determine the POV of that section. I kept shaking my head re-reading. I thought it was still Kenren and tried to make it make sense. Good wordsmithing with embouchure.
Your verbiage put this whole piece in the realm of soft romance and I thought it worked quite well with imbuing the whole piece with an anachronistic tone.
Good job!
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
schedule
March 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Thank you for the kind feed-back. I have no proof-readers other than myself and what seems clear to me at times, does not always mean it is such to others. Once again, I appreciate all the critiquing I can get.