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April 7, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hi!
hmm... Over all I give ya a Thumbs up for the chapter and its content.
I have a few issues but this is just me, it might not bother everyone else. I think your characters are a little weak...I\'m not sure if in your story Kenshin and Tomoe are used to being intimate or not, If not then I\'m not so sure Kenshin would leap at Tomoe and suck on her neck...I know he was a brash hitokiri...well...maybe I\'m being to critical but I think its just lacking is a certain finess.
Call me crazy but try reading the entire chapter aloud to yourself, I think you\'ll be able to determine where the akward wording is easier than just reading over it silently.
I thought I remembered seeing in the Anime that Kenshin didn\'t like choclate... I really hope my knowledge of the actual anime and manga haven\'t merged with what I have read in fanfiction... However it is your fanfiction and if you want K&T to have some fun with chocolate thats ok.
I\'m trying not to be too critical and I think this was a valiant first chapter for ya, so keep writting the more you do the better you get.
Write more!! ^_^
~De Lazy Lady Lime
hmm... Over all I give ya a Thumbs up for the chapter and its content.
I have a few issues but this is just me, it might not bother everyone else. I think your characters are a little weak...I\'m not sure if in your story Kenshin and Tomoe are used to being intimate or not, If not then I\'m not so sure Kenshin would leap at Tomoe and suck on her neck...I know he was a brash hitokiri...well...maybe I\'m being to critical but I think its just lacking is a certain finess.
Call me crazy but try reading the entire chapter aloud to yourself, I think you\'ll be able to determine where the akward wording is easier than just reading over it silently.
I thought I remembered seeing in the Anime that Kenshin didn\'t like choclate... I really hope my knowledge of the actual anime and manga haven\'t merged with what I have read in fanfiction... However it is your fanfiction and if you want K&T to have some fun with chocolate thats ok.
I\'m trying not to be too critical and I think this was a valiant first chapter for ya, so keep writting the more you do the better you get.
Write more!! ^_^
~De Lazy Lady Lime