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June 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ok, be careful what you wish for. I want to start by saying I\'m not a perfect writer myself and I still struggle with issues of writing style. I\'m just pointing out the strong and weak points I could see in your fic and give you some constructive criticism per your request.
To be honest, your story lacks zip. It lacks that certain something that keeps you glued, interesting and wanting more. The concept was good, but the addition of \"Jean\" was downright awkward. I believe, if you are making a RK fic, even if it is AU, you should stick with familiar characters. If you create your own, write they HELL out of them. Don\'t just say, \"This is Jean, Kenshin\'s lover. He\'s a guy and wears a gray suit.\" That just makes him a faceless space occupier. Make us know Jean. Make us feel Jean. Make him not just Kenshin\'s lover, but a person.
Yes, this is AU. Yes, you are recycling some characters, but you still have to describe them. There is very little \"storytelling\" in your story. I have no visual of what Jean looks like. I have no idea of what Kaoru is supposed to look like, besides dirty, yet cute. And I don\'t know how Kenshin is supposed to look, except for attractive. In order to imagine the scene, the reader needs to know what the players look like. Not just the color of the eye, everything, down to the fine details. \"The way the furrowed bow arched over circular pools of blue, reaching for the raven sideburns, which were curled up in a curious C on each side of her heart-shaped face.\" Ya get me?
Well, I won\'t make this too long. That should be enough to get you started. If you don\'t hate me, feel free to email me if you want to talk. Perhaps read my fics and tell me what you think of them.
Take care,
Sosoru
To be honest, your story lacks zip. It lacks that certain something that keeps you glued, interesting and wanting more. The concept was good, but the addition of \"Jean\" was downright awkward. I believe, if you are making a RK fic, even if it is AU, you should stick with familiar characters. If you create your own, write they HELL out of them. Don\'t just say, \"This is Jean, Kenshin\'s lover. He\'s a guy and wears a gray suit.\" That just makes him a faceless space occupier. Make us know Jean. Make us feel Jean. Make him not just Kenshin\'s lover, but a person.
Yes, this is AU. Yes, you are recycling some characters, but you still have to describe them. There is very little \"storytelling\" in your story. I have no visual of what Jean looks like. I have no idea of what Kaoru is supposed to look like, besides dirty, yet cute. And I don\'t know how Kenshin is supposed to look, except for attractive. In order to imagine the scene, the reader needs to know what the players look like. Not just the color of the eye, everything, down to the fine details. \"The way the furrowed bow arched over circular pools of blue, reaching for the raven sideburns, which were curled up in a curious C on each side of her heart-shaped face.\" Ya get me?
Well, I won\'t make this too long. That should be enough to get you started. If you don\'t hate me, feel free to email me if you want to talk. Perhaps read my fics and tell me what you think of them.
Take care,
Sosoru