rate_review Reviews

hints for your next lemon:

1. words like pussy and dick are not so bad, but it makes it worse when you call attention to them with author notes. It also breaks the mood.
2. a human tongue is not long enough to break a girl's hymen, nor is it close to painful. Anna should have felt mild discomfort, if at all, when his manhood was inserted, not when he was eating her out. You mention she adjusts to his tongue, which can barely go in, but his fingers have no problem? It just didn't make sense to me.
3. maybe a bit more detail. Hearing about Yoh going from her clit to inserting in her in one sentence doesn't do anything for me. There's no suspense or excitement. You don't even mention him crawling up her or what he thought of the experience. As a matter of fact, there was hardly anything at all about how they felt emotionally and mentally. You only focused on the physical, and even that lacked detail.

Good start, but much to improve.

instead of using the words you hate, you could say yoh's "member", but nice job though

lol
the ending was funny
great one-shot

Overall, description is ok; it just needs deeper storyline in certain parts. However, stop putting in paranthesis that (I don\'t like to use that word) and stuff like that, it ticks some people off. And, why not use the word pussy or cock, I mean, you\'re writing a Lemon for godsake. But, since this is you\'re first time writing something like this, I think you\'ve done a good job. Keep it up.

Ok, well...It was ok at first. But then it started to get a bit sloppy. It doesnt even look as tho you know much at all about sex. So I rated your story a three. ^_^ For a good start and a sucky beginning.

^^|| It might not be that great... But Overall its pretty cute! =) keep up tha good workz!

Nice fic, it could use a bit more detail though. Besides that it\"s good.

Cute ficcy! please continue!

to short ^^;...it was good though ...but it could use more detail