rate_review Reviews

took me a moment to remember this scenario, but when I did I was like "Oh! yeah right, that awesome scene"
this was awesome. I loved how you picked that scene and developed it, and overall it was well written. The only downside, which has been pointed out by other reviewers, is your punctuation, not distinguishing moviments and actions in the middle of a line with " or even - gets confusing, but it is understandable

Y'know, I don't think Soubi's a pedophile. Yeah, he gave Natsuo & Yoji a place to live, but he's not hot for them. He just loves Ritsuka only. He wants to make love to Ritsuka because ... well, that's how guys express their luv. ^_^ Awwww! Meanwhile, I think it would've been funny for the four zeroes to get to talking & then go out for a bag of doughnuts instead of fighting & then come back to the apt & find Soubi and Ritsuka snuggling in bed. ^_^

X3...loved it very very much

That was pretty good:) Soubi and Ritsuke make a beautiful and sweet couple(starry eyed)

ohmegosh, i loved it. this is perfect, EXACTLY the fic i was looking for; what would have happened if they didnt go to the fight. wow, amazing!!!!

you know i have been wonder this very thing, thank you for confirming my suspisions. great story, Maby the actuale author will use it. she seems to be heading in that direction. XD

so sweet, that was pretty good for a first... and their feelings, emotions, and interactions came across very well and in character i think... i\'m glad someone finished that scene, cuz it sucked they got interrupted heheheh (gomen, i\'m evil) ..though i do have a couple suggestions... besides just normal grammatical/spelling errors that are easy to overlook, when you put actions within elipses (or asterisk as some people also do in their writing ...glares at elipses... *sweatdrops* << like so), in a netspeak style rather than writing it out descriptively, and especially when it\'s in the midst of talking, it gets rather confusing.... (a couple examples: “Don’t fight it …caresses Ritsuka’s forehead with his lips…Ritsuka… Let it release you from this world. Come with me, Ritsuka, come to me.” and “Sou…bi…pants…uhn… huff… ai...shi...teru… (I love you), Soubi,” he blurted out) this breaks up the speaking unnaturally, or is just confusing since you also use elipses to show space between panted words, ne? Also, the immediate translation of japanese in parentheses annoys me too, but it\'s not too bad since waiting til the end to translate it, esp in a one-shot, would prob suck for people that don\'t know the japanese words/phrases already...

all in all, though, as i said, i thought this was very sweet, i liked it alot ^__^ keep writing and you\'ll definitely improve, you have a lot of potential
~ lg

erm... wow, i guess i write too much.. cont\'d from my last review: using elipses like that, esp. in the midst of actual speaking, it\'s kind of annoying and confusing.. when reading a fic, it\'s more enjoyable to have the actions written out descriptively rather than netspeak, plus using elipses to insert the action during speech is more confusing since you also use them to put space between panted words and such... the immediate translation of the japanese in parenthese was kinda annoying to me too, but i guess for people that don\'t know what the words mean it may be better, so i won\'t complain too much :p

anyway, as i said, it was a sweet lil one-shot, and if you keep writing, you\'ll definitely get better and better! you have great potential ^__^

~ lg

Ok, so I\'m not normally into shota but that was nicely written.. although the wet part i found confusing.. he\'s not a girl heh.. anyways good job on your first story!