rate_review Reviews

good job write more

oo ya... n all that shit bout punctuation n wat not comes from ppl 2 stoopid 2 look past it! the story was fine! if they wanna bitch bout that stuff like that, they needa do it sum where else or go make up a story themselves! NE WAYS! again keep up the GREAT werk!!!!!

**mandi**

YAY!!!!! it was good but its not all the way there :( keep it up n im sure EVERY1 will b hooked :p gl!!!!!!!!! hehe

**mandi**

This needs spell-check, punctuation, paragraphs.

Get a good betareader who knows the grammar rules.

Cleaning this up will make it a decent fic.

One word: Puctuation!!! (as in learn it!)

Good fic are you gonna add more chapters well of course you are but im pretty into it! Carry on my good lady heh

Chpt 1: Interesting premise - I've seen a few Shu tries to stop Yuki from smoking.. but not when Shu didn't really want him to from the beginning! Some of your word choices seemed off and the florida key's reference really rang false to me as this is set in Japan and Shu wouldn't get the reference even if Eiri did. I liked the smoking flashback it was pretty funny though I don't know if Eiri would admit to a lack of willpower! Good luck on this fic, I hope you write more soon!

this is great, but it is confusing on telling who's talking. Every time you change speakers you would start another paragraph.