rate_review Reviews

I don't know who taught you about gay man sex.....but they were wrong....and this killed a part of my soul. It was horrible, even the writing sucked.

I don't know why you felt the need to punish this fandom as such....but please just stop.

i don't mean to be harsh but you need to really research the way men have sex - there is no way that you're sex scene is anatomically possible demons or not, i've read some bad fics but this one takes the biscuit when gojyo asked where he was going in i thought you meant in the mouth for oral sex as mentioned in your summery - but as soon as you put gojyo's finger plunging into hakkai's dick i had visions of blood everywhere and hakkai blasting him. A penis is solid there is a small opening in the tip but it certainly isn't big enough to put a finger inside never mind another dick - especially as there is a waiting hole that would be the easiest way for gojyo to enter.
Before writing another story you really have to do you're research on male/male sex otherwise you'll just get more bad reviews.

Ooo...lordy lord. Where do I even start?

OKay, let's start with the writing aspect since my brain is still trying to wrap itself around the whole sex scene. The writing itself is not bad. With the dialogue, I could actually hear the characters saying that. So, good on you for that. However, this really could have used some filling out. It seems a little incomplete in a way. What I've suggested to toher authors is to describe useless shit. Describe the room, character actions, weather... all of it basically useless to the actual plot, but effective in creating atmosphere as well as making it seem fuller. Movies work well with a dialogue format because we can SEE the effects and such with our own eyes. As a writer, it's up to you to use words and description to paint the picture for the readers. Something so simple as : "Gojyo flashed his usual impish grin and sank to the dented mattress beside his friend, ignoring how the springs creaked in protest as they tried to stab into his thigh through the material." See what I mean? Not only do we get more of Gojyo's personality, but we get an idea that the room is kinda seedy, too.

Now, the sex... *sighs* You're probably extremely sick of hearing this, but it did little to turn me on. I love BDSM. I love being in control, and I love being controled of. I'm a a kinky soul who enjoys some pain mixed in with the pleasure, but this... If one of my male partners asked me to stick my finger anywhere except in his ass or in his mouth, I probably would have walked out and left him hand cuffed and panting to the bed. There have been some not-so-kind reviews stating this, and then there are others who actually referrence both the character's creator AND medical text on the subject matter. I appreciate the fact tha you're trying something different with the whole m/m sex... but this made me nearly fall out of my chair, and not because I had to go take a cold shower. Penis-in-penis sex scares me, and I'm almost NEVER afraid of anything new in the bedroom.

I understand if you're young and inexperienced in this department. You know where everything goes when a guy and girl get frisky and therefore assume that the same is true for men. However, I doubt very much that you're of legal age to be here then. Even an 18-year-old virgin who's never seen a penis has heard about sex or taken anatomy classes and understood the basic concepts of sex. I find it impossible to believe that you flunked anatomy to the point where you can't tell that a penis doesn't belong in another penis. I can understand flunking on inner anatomy (like the difference between kidneys and liver and such) but the outer construction??? I'm sorry, I can't accept that.

You CAN keep writing. I was rather infuriated myself when I read people telling you not to anymore. Don't ever stop writing what you want to. Just do a little research and brush up on your technique, okay? Also, please try and listen to the people who are giving constructive criticism. Not everyone who doesn't like what you wrote is a flamer. They offer advice because they were once as inexperienced as yourself, and are only trying to help. It's not fair to lump them with the people who only write "u suk" and leave nothing else. If you want a good beta, I'd gladly give you a hand. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to read some of the other stories on this site to see how everyone else writes. I'm not saying copy their style or anything, but it'll at least help with the sex scenes. I personally recommend Iron Dog as one to look up, okay?

I read this story (and reviewed it) on FF.N, and I tried my hardest to make sure it was constrctive criticism and not a flame. If you felt it was one, I apologize.

My newest suggestion is if you are going to make such a claim about Gojyo and Hakkai (meaning that demon anatomy is different and can handle such 'intercourse'), you should definately not only label this as an AU AND warn people about it beforehand. Part of me thinks you just wrote this for the 'shock factor'.

I think you are a talented author and you will go far with your fanfiction.

If you would like to discuss this further offboard, feel free to email me anytime.

Either you know nothing about homosexual sex, or youki are built differently than humans. Men do not enter men in their penis but their anus! You've written that Gojyo entered Hakkai's member with his own! He'd have split Hakkai's dick in so many pieces it'd look like an exploded firework!

OMG! That was hot! How can you no like this? I love the couple.

I don't know about other's but I thought this was good.

.... but yeah.... I was trying not to comment on the complete inability of the *way* they had sex, but since it seems that everyone else did... I really had to comment. The story on a whole was good, just that kinda made my mind think of ... type-o or something 'wtf' . The how they got together and the comments from Sanzo and Goku were good. Just rethink the how-to of their sexlives. ;) Sorry about that, I usually don't comment with a negitive thing... but.... meh.

I think I'm scarred for life...I seriously think I am. Agh the image won't leave my head, make it go away! Look, please dear God listen to the people who have given you some VERY helpful advice. Just no, never again, guh! *curls up into a little ball* Even if you think it's okay since they're demons and they might enjoy something like that, think of your readers first! That is not something we want to imagine, trust me. *shudders*

But now I'm going try and get as far, far away from that as I can and give you some advice on other things. Like people said before at the beginning there wasn't much to it. Dialogue is good and everything, but we need to set a picture in our heads first of what's going on. Just add some details of their actions, their surrounding. What are their expressions? What are they feeling? Just elaborate and I'm sure your writing will improve dramaticaly...and never, never do a sex scene like that again. That will definitely improve it. That's all I have to say, what you do with my suggestions are purely up to you. Now if you'll excuse me there's a corner I need to go curl up in.

love the story :) just one thing i tought weird,,,you wrote "before plunging the finger into the penis",,,is that even possible?

beside that little thing that confused me i think this is a great story :)