schedule
October 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
What really caught me was the Yu Yu Hakusho reference, to be perfectly honest. I had just jumped over here from that section, and to stumble across this...? Yayness.
Anyhow, it is Orcot in the first chapter, correct? It seems so, and because of that I wanted to comment on how un-Leon it is. The second chapter hints at a change, but he seems pretty similar to Count D to me. The quote you used in the beginning of the second chapter, too, shows how different they really are. I just have trouble seeing him dressed in oriental garb. Perhaps there should be more of a Leon flare to it? And I'm also assuming this is based off the manga, given the quote, so I hope the lack of D's reborn father, Chris, et cetera will be explained (even if it's just saying it's AU).
I hope that blob-o-critique didn't sound too harsh. Your conventions -- grammar and such -- are very good, aside from the overused ellipsies (which I probably spelt incorrectly, but the triple dot trail). Normally they're used only in dialogue to show a fading of speech or slow hesitation. There are quite a few running around in your prose. That's the only thing I caught, and it's pretty subjective. I also like the idea; I've never seen it before so find it pretty original.
This rambling makes sense to me, so I hope it makes sense to you. Over all, I did like the story, and do hope you update soon. (Maybe with longer chapters? I'm curious as to where this is going.) :)
~Muse
P.S. If you want a beta, I can give it a shot. I enjoy editing and obviously have no problem with concrit.
P. P. S. I've tried reviewing several times, and I'm not sure if any of them actually processed, so you might have two or three duplicates. You probably won't, but if you do, that's why.
Anyhow, it is Orcot in the first chapter, correct? It seems so, and because of that I wanted to comment on how un-Leon it is. The second chapter hints at a change, but he seems pretty similar to Count D to me. The quote you used in the beginning of the second chapter, too, shows how different they really are. I just have trouble seeing him dressed in oriental garb. Perhaps there should be more of a Leon flare to it? And I'm also assuming this is based off the manga, given the quote, so I hope the lack of D's reborn father, Chris, et cetera will be explained (even if it's just saying it's AU).
I hope that blob-o-critique didn't sound too harsh. Your conventions -- grammar and such -- are very good, aside from the overused ellipsies (which I probably spelt incorrectly, but the triple dot trail). Normally they're used only in dialogue to show a fading of speech or slow hesitation. There are quite a few running around in your prose. That's the only thing I caught, and it's pretty subjective. I also like the idea; I've never seen it before so find it pretty original.
This rambling makes sense to me, so I hope it makes sense to you. Over all, I did like the story, and do hope you update soon. (Maybe with longer chapters? I'm curious as to where this is going.) :)
~Muse
P.S. If you want a beta, I can give it a shot. I enjoy editing and obviously have no problem with concrit.
P. P. S. I've tried reviewing several times, and I'm not sure if any of them actually processed, so you might have two or three duplicates. You probably won't, but if you do, that's why.
schedule
October 27, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Absolutely intriguing. Please continue.
schedule
October 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Another chapter YAY! I'm really starting to love this story. Please update soon.
schedule
October 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Aagin to short so vage please more i need it. Update soon.
schedule
October 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Too short please up date soon.
schedule
October 23, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I like the story so far, please continue.