rate_review Reviews

LOL awesomeness! I especially agree with you at the very end, when you said that even a monk would give in to Shinobu. I know I would. xDDD

The story? You want me to comment on it? Okay. It was very well-written, very lemon-y, but let's face it- it was good. I want to read more from you in the future.

Wow that was diffently bold of the shy girl, loved it can you write more on this pairing? Also are you going to add a chapter where Naru and Kitsune (Mitsune). As I know Kitsune is pretty much bi and I dought Naru minds if it's a girl playing with her. Hehe

Pretty nice story just two things were wrong that have not been metioned

1)I'm part of the HKSS(Her Kawiiness Secret Service)and we are the defends of Shinobu...even sexual wise so I'd ask if you ever do this again to please write Shinobu in a m ore innocent character so it does not degrade her (We've got her Rep AND our Rep on the line)
2)and as I say this many time to authors starting out WATCH THE SPEED OF ORGASMS this is not a really hard thing to do but you can't have girls getting it that fast (Unless you can explain it,or have them already prep and stay on an edge of an orgasm)

Other than that and what was already mentioned great fic hope to read more of your work

Skull J. Darkmaster-"You know me when I make a promise I keep it"

ok

Thank you. The italics thing was due to the fact that i uploaded a text file i originally wrote in a method for an IPB, and i forgot to pay attention to what the hell i was doing when i uploaded. Go me. <<

The paragraph thing is appreciated. It's been a while since i've really written creatively, so i'm kinda trying to get back into the swing of things.

Also, definate thanks on advice for improvement of the sex scenes. Most of what i know is based offa other lemons, plus my own romantic/idiotic expectations. I'm a guy, so i have bascially no knowlage of what a girl can/can't feel. <<

Again, thanks for an honest review. I'll try to do a touch more research next time.

Or tentacles. Those are good, too.

Up for some well intentioned concrit? (a few suggestions on formatting, etc.) Put spaces between your paragraphs, your story will read easier. And don't forget to spellcheck. I noticed that your italics didn't show up, even though you coded them to, which was weird (were you typing directly into the text box?) If you can, type up your future fics in Word or whatever, then save a second time as an html file. Then either upload the html file, or cut and paste it into the text box, all your formatting should show up okay.

As for the sex, a few things nagged at me. (And this is only meant to help you write hotter, more realistic lemons)

1) Uh...you can't really feel when someone cums inside you; reads great and all, but, sadly, it doesn't happen
2) A woman rarely, if ever, orgasms from vaginal penetration only
3) The piercing pain on losing virginity is kind of quaint and Victorian. In general, women are so physically active nowadays (plus the use of certain hygeine products and masturbation) that the hymen gets stretched and degraded so it's not horribly painful (if it was, she'd be wishing/screaming for him to stop, not screaming in ecstasy).

For a first time one-shot (it was a one-shot, wasn't it?) your story wasn't a bad effort. Keep at it and good luck with your next fic!

Not sure if i'm gonna do another chapter of this, or just another Keitaro/Shinobu story in general.

Not bad at all. I'd love to see a chapter 2 with more Shinobu/Keitaro lovin!

Thats was nice and funny for your first effort but good enought

oh, my god! first time or not you are an excellent author!