schedule
September 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
There is a lot of potential in this story, but you need to revise it a little before you can really realise that potential.
Firstly, grammar etc - Please replace your -speech- with actual talking marks. It really does put people off. Your spelling is fine, and it isn't badly written. You could probably afford to be a little more emotive with your language, though.
As for the character's - they are a little bit OOC, in both speech and in their interactions, but it isn't over the top.
Seriously, all this fiction needs is a little tweaking, and it would be quite good.
Firstly, grammar etc - Please replace your -speech- with actual talking marks. It really does put people off. Your spelling is fine, and it isn't badly written. You could probably afford to be a little more emotive with your language, though.
As for the character's - they are a little bit OOC, in both speech and in their interactions, but it isn't over the top.
Seriously, all this fiction needs is a little tweaking, and it would be quite good.
schedule
May 23, 2007 at 12:00 AM
good story
schedule
March 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Nice job! Very well done indeed...