rate_review Reviews

LOVED IT! This was both funny AND intense! I really loved it (and don't worry, the nice waffy lemony stuff was good too, lol! Please, keep up the good work!!!!

~Sho-Chan~

You've got a lot of potential with this story here. There are a few things you probably need to tweak or change, however. I'm not going to go into characterization or story choices, as those are subjects for another review, and it's debatable whether they should even be poked at. This is purely in the technical aspects.

As has been said in other reviews: Save your author's notes for the end, and always, ALWAYS describe something happening in your own words. When wondering if your audience is familiar with X series from popular culture, the assumption should always be *no*. As you get better at writing and do a lot more reading, you may begin to see where exceptions could happen, but for now, stick with that.

Never, EVER 'lol' in the text of a story. It makes it impossible to take your fic seriously for very many people, and it's jarring at the very least. Unless you're writing humor or parody and/or are deliberately inserting it into the story, don't use netspeak. For that matter, the "Just thought you should know" about Unit 00 getting its S2 engine was utterly unnecessary. It probably has no place there.

Another thing that was somewhat jarring was your use of absolute times. 20 seconds, 18 minutes, 20 seconds, etc. No person thinks in absolute times unless they have a watch handy, and even then most people are too busy, y'know, experiencing what's happening to look at their watches. Try going with something more abstract - "years passed in seconds," "a few moments that seemed to drag on to eternity," "for the next few minutes," etc. Those will feel a lot more natural. The only place you should keep a number is when Shinji and Asuka are telling their stories; something like "for the next 20 minutes or so..." for Asuka's, and then something like "Shinji's story, which lasted about as long as Asuka's..." after.

Your writing is actually really good; your spelling and grammar are much better than many, many stories on AFF, which gives you a distinct advantage. You need to work on your skills a bit, but you've got the beginnings of something good here. Unless you'd like me to write up a post on the less technical problems, I have no other criticism to offer.

Ok, Ok they don’t eat ‘mac & cheese in Japan, at least I’ve never heard of it but I do! Ever smother spam or bacon with it? Yum is right; a pink pork product brings out the flavor of the cheese.

Ahaaa…please stop putting commentary in parentheses; show don’t tell. Play it out, don’t just explain it.

New line every time a character opens their mouth, learn this lesson, I’m not kidding around here. You will be eaten alive if you don’t take my advice.

The story was quite good. I think they probably should have discussed it a little before they made love but under the circumstances it’s believable. I also liked the way you made it loving sex, yeah, I’m a sucker for WAFF.

Well done and keep writing lemons.

Lord Saturn (AKA 94saturn)

This isn't bad, in fact I could have enjoyed it immensely. But I just don't go for that kind of scene where something big happens, and then everyone just out and explains everything to everyone, almost for the sake of gabbing, blablabla-touchytouchy-oh-we're-so-alike-lets-spend-20-minutes-gushing-out-our-past. And couldn't you describe what was happening in your own words? You really had to go and shove a reference to another anime in? I'm not trying to flame, but I am a good deal disappointed, because lots of this WAS quite good, well written and all that.

No offense,
Chiao

.......the Gravemind.....in my Eva????????

Great story!!! Keep up the great work. Any chance of this becoming an shinji/asuka/rei or shinji/rei, rei/asuka and shinji/asuka (sorry it sounded that they bonded in that moment in the hospital)? Any way I loved the part of the "guardian" beast spirits in the Evas. I hope you update soon. P.s. I hope Eva 1 (sorry can't remember his name turns Gendo into a smear soon)

That is not a bad start for a story its well off. i cannot wait for the next installment

A great start, overall. I agree somewhat with 94Saturn, in that it's a bit rushed, but aside from that minor problem, it's great so far.

Looking forward to a second chapter, and continue with the Shinji/Asuka, please!

a little fast but interesting. rei acted a little out of character, but an intersting facet for the story. i would think that auska would have been a little reluctant to tell her life story and shinji would have been a little meek in doing so. but all in all a good begining. hope to read more

first comment