rate_review Reviews

Ek, I have only rarely seen sucha review, and the kind of review you left was excelent. I can already tell you are exceptionaly intelligent, and you hav a damn good eye for detail.
Personaly, I love to read reviews like that, you adressed every issue that you had, and then some. I find it utterly fantastic.
Several of the points I whole heartedly agree on. Total immunity is just not right, like you said, extreemly high ressitance would be much better. A mewtwo not being able to damage or ko a poochyena is rediculous.
Oh, and your thoughts on character delvelopment/progression. I had never though about many of those things.
I myself, kind of found a loop hole in the trainer not being powerful him/her self predicament because my character is primarily a Government agent, and secondarily a trainer. (I'd really like it if you would leave a review on my story, Pokemon: A Criminal Conspiracy. You're by no means obligated, but I'd really apreciate it)

Well, that's all I have to say for now, well, just one more thing.
Some of us down here, especialy me, would like to shake your hand and buy you a drink.

Semper phi, carry on...

Wonderful story Slash.

Above anon here. Just reading the review page I noticed this:

"Slash's (birrhday) is on December 23"

Thats the day before my birthday.

Does slash get a 3 day long chirstmas party?

Hey Slash! The story is awesome so far but uh....Did you happen to die or something? The last updatemade to arc two of Sinners was in January I believe. Where the hell are you man?

Here's my second attempt to submit this review. Hopefully it makes it through the form unscathed this time. I'm sorry for any inconvenience.

For anyone who hasn't actually read all the available chapters, this review contains plenty of spoilers.

I apologize in advance for such a ridiculously long and verbose review, but I do have trouble with stating my thoughts concisely. Needless to say, I doubt I could write a story. As such, I like to intersperse my larger posts and reviews with section headers to ease navigating my chaotic thoughts and allow people to skip what they're not interested in.

Perhaps I should apologize more for the content. I have no delusions that this review will necessarily be a pleasant read.

INTRODUCTION:

I've been extremely impressed with your story, one of the best fanfics I've ever read, easily the best erotic fanfic I've read, and quite possibly the best erotic story of any type I've read. Your story touched me deeply, something which hasn't happened in years. However, I'm sure there are already plenty of gushing reviews. I'm here for constructive criticism.

Please bear in mind that while this review focuses on negatives, this is merely a reflection of my own personality. I love your story and will continue reading regardless.

The reason for this review is that my suspension of disbelief may be in the process of stretching uncomfortably. When reading a story, the reader agrees to accept certain core premises which may otherwise be unrealistic, such as the existence of psychic powers. What's important is that these premises are internally consistent, and this is the source of my tension.

POKEMON IS CRAZY:

I think we can agree that the Pokemon canon is mildly schizophrenic at best. Here are some entertaining examples from the flavor text for various pokemon.

* Medicham meditates as much as possible and survives on a single berry per month. Of course, energy has to come from somewhere, so apparently Medicham eats meditation.

* Alakazam has an IQ of 5000 and perfect memory. How is it possible for Alakazam to lose at anything, and more importantly how are we not under their control?

* Hitmonchan punches too fast to be seen with the naked eye, faster than bullet trains. Bullet trains? Really? You'd think creatures that fall to more mundane power levels would physically explode when faced with these attacks. Likewise, something capable of delivering such power (like, say, Superman) would have to be nigh indestructible itself.

In light of this foolishness, I happily discard a lot of the official canon and craft my own mythology, or just follow yours. It is therefore not surprising that I fully support you if you bend the rules. However, as I suggested before, the new mythology must be internally consistent, the very factor which leads me to so quickly discard the official canon.

PSYCHOKINESIS:

From what I understand the game skill 'Psychic' is essentially psychokinesis. This raises the question of why a psychic pokemon wouldn't try to attack a dark pokemon by psychokinetically hurling a nearby rock at it. I like to see characters fight smart, in this case by subtly exploiting the semantics of type vulnerabilities. Rock isn't immune to psychic and dark isn't immune to rock. Just something to think about.

IMMUNITIES:

I enjoyed "Liek, use thundershock okay". It was hilarious. While this may seem like it belongs in a review for that story, I only bring it up because one part brought to mind an issue I've always had with Pokemon.

--
"You fucking idiot! What is your problem!?" Brock shouted. "Onix is a ground type. You could be a level 255 ZAPDOS WITH A MAGNET AND USE THUNDER AND STILL NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN!"
--

Level 255 Zapdos? Really? Wow, okay, I guess according to the "rules" its electrical attacks still wouldn't deal damage, but these are just the sort of rules I wouldn't mind seeing bent. What sprang to my mind is how much electrical power it would take to turn sand into glass, or even just outright vaporize something. I've never been too keen on the concept of total immunity. I can accept extremely high resistance to the point that attempting an attack is in general ESSENTIALLY worthless, but being completely unaffacted by any power level is just ridiculous.

Does this mean a pokemon with flash fire could survive a nuclear blast? Well, no, you could argue, it would be pulverized by the pressure differential. That is precisely my point. Even if something could somehow be entirely immune to an attack conceptually, they're not necessarily protected from the ancillary effects of the attack. Remember that the lethality of conventional explosives is primarily in the impact and not the heat. A powerful fire attack is going to cause a mean pressure differential. A powerful electrical attack is going to cause tremendous heat. As previously mentioned, a psychic attack can pummel you with the surrounding environment. More directly, if a psychokinetic blast is strong enough, or simply appropriately focused, you should already be dealing impact damage from air alone. I could go on, but the point has been illustrated.

What I'm getting at is simply that I'm not comfortable with the idea of total immunity and what it suggests. From what I can gather, you're probably going to be using total immunity as a plot point, especially in the upcoming desert. It just seems artificial to me, and it is something I'll be thinking about as I read, affecting my suspension of disbelief. Maybe I just read too much into these things, but you yourself have expressed a desire for realism.

CHARACTER POWERS:

Some of my problems revolve around the vaguely defined power levels of the human(ish) characters, the confusing ambitions of Slash in particular, and what the future holds for the story's protagonists. I'll start with a quote from the story.

--
Hence why he accepted Giovanni's offer.

He didn't really have a choice, of course. The two had come to blows on top of that mountain, yes...and the dark man had utterly destroyed him. But instead of finishing him, and instead of walking away, Giovanni had merely pointed to the sweeping vista below them. And then he had said the words that had changed his life.

"All that you see can be yours...if you fall on your knees and worship me."

And gods, the way he said it, the power the man exuded...it left no doubt in his mind that Giovanni was capable of his offer. Humbled and desperate, he'd done as he said.
--

Existing canon suggests that Giovanni, aside from the power he wields through his criminal enterprise, is a mere human, unaugmented. Here in the story, however, he has not only defeated but "utterly destroyed" Kiako, a being who can quite fairly be described as a demigod. My question, unsurprisingly, is how? Unless the above exerpt counts, there's been no foreshadowing suggesting Giovanni has been physically modified, so I think I might be a little disappointed if such were suddenly revealed, although I concede that the right setup could make it awesome.

Here's the thing though: I'd be FAR MORE disappointed to learn that Giovanni defeated Kiako with pokemon. Once we're dealing with an evil demigod like Kiako, it is simply too difficult to believe that he would not attack the opposing trainer directly, and not succeed spectacularly with stomach churning results.

SLASH'S POWERS; ALSO, COMPLAINING:

The above issue segues into the problem that actually compelled me to post. My biggest problem stems from one of your responses on this reviews page.

--
Yep. Slash's blossoming abilities will never reach the point where he can fight like a Pokemon. He'll have some gifts, yeah, but never will Slash Psybeam someone. He's much more inclined to just beat the crap out of them or shank them.
--

For this I ask, unsurprisingly, why? It's been shown that Psymakio is special ever since she evolved early (both times) to save Slash. It's been increasingly suggested that Slash is special, and then explicitly stated in the Valentine's oneshot (which I realize is not necessarily canon). Psymakio has shown the ability to protect Slash by simultaneously rendering braindead three separate attackers. While this alone suggests awesome power, it seems unlikely that Kiako would fall so easily, and thus by extension I would assume Giovanni would somehow be even more dangerous.

Slash has already shown rudimentary psychokinesis. Why must Slash be confined to the kiddy league, while even Giovanni punches with the heavyweights? While I'm not suggesting Slash could be as powerful as a pokemon, I like to believe an ideal pairing represents something not entirely unlike an equal partnership, but Slash would just be a liability in battle for Psymakio. Of course the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and our greatest power comes from defending something greater than ourselves. In this case, the "something greater" would be their bond, even before being explicitly connected; I can imagine Psymakio saving the day with her need to defend Slash, as has happened in the past, but it's just going to leave a sour taste in my mouth to know that the main protagonist is either dead weight or the distressed damsel.

The issue really gets difficult to swallow when considering the inevitable battles with these godlike monsters, who aren't exactly likely to fight fair. As suggested before, with Slash out of his league, there's nothing stopping Kiako from just killing him outright with one of his special attacks. My problem is that I'm going to have an extremely hard time believing the situation when that DOESN'T happen simply because that's not how the plot goes. Raise character shields.

LAZY HERO:

Finally, and most importantly, you say that Slash is "much more inclined" to fight physically. The suggestion that it's a matter of inclination is what really doesn't sit well with me. If you were to tell me that his limitation is his own human potential, I'd sit back and take it, but that's decidedly not what you're telling me, nor is it what the story is moving to suggest.

I've already seen in Slash less enthusiasm to develop progging than I personally would show. My greatest difficulty will be to reconcile the contradictory character who "jumps at the call" of heroism while simultaneously "refusing the call" of improving his powers for the heroic ordeals ahead. I've seen it before as a way to contrive additional drama by artificially handicapping the protagonists, and I sometimes just get fed up and leave. I don't see that happening here because what you have remains simply too good to pass up, but I'll still be disappointed.

If you had access to the sorts of powers becoming available to Slash, would you not try to develop them as much as possible? Even imagine that you don't seek power for power's sake. We've already seen Slash's fisticuffs entirely fail him once. Would he not want to be able to help defend Psymakio? Indeed, Slash has already subtly expressed the desire to protect Psymakio at any cost, as the following exerpt illustrates.

--
"That's why it was so hard for me to decide what to do when Corphish went down. It's so hard to choose the 'greater good' when it's one of my friends' lives on the line..."

(And if it was you laying near-dead in my arms, I don't think I would have made the same decision...)
--

I understand you're probably worried about Slash becoming a Marty Stu. I personally suspect, or maybe just hope, that most of your readers aren't that worried. The fact is, the protagonists and the antagonists are SUPPOSED to be in a league above the common man. This trope is as old as storytelling itself. Some Enlightenment thinkers feel this paradigm is intellectually and sociologically stifling, but the espoused alternative, quite frankly, is boring. The alternative is also implausible, and I could write an entire article on why the classic trope is a classic. In any case, critics who dismiss a story solely on the grounds of the tropes it uses are elitists who have little interest in judging a work on its merit in the first place.

I realize, of course, most pokemon trainers have no personal powers whatsoever, but they're not engaging in life and death battles between good and evil. I find it extremely hard to believe that in such an uncontrolled and dire scenario the trainers themselves wouldn't become primary targets, or even simply be demolished by collateral damage. This situation is especially severe when the evil trainers are in fact themselves downright superpowered.

At this point, I feel the need to mention that you did take the high road, or at least the road less traveled, by having Psymakio lose to Rotom. The same is true for Kiako falling to Rayquaza. Just because the main characters are in a league above others doesn't mean they have to succeed at everything, and indeed this kind of misunderstanding is what makes characters such as Superman so intensely boring. Omnipotence kills drama. I hope you don't take my lengthy criticisms in the wrong light; your storytelling is already itself in a league above many professional writers, something I am simultaneously impressed and saddened to say.

SUMMARY:

My issues with total immunities remain strong, but I'm capable of sucking it up if the plot demands it. My biggest issue will be with character development.

The bond between Slash and Psymakio is a streak of the truest idealism, but the world they live in is anything but ideal. In my opinion, this contrast forms a beautiful foundation for your engaging plot. Bad things will happen to and around the protagonists; this much you have made clear. Drama is of course interesting.

The major question I want to ask you, and I hope you ask yourself, is this: do you want Psymakio, Slash, and the rest of their team to overcome the obstacles they face together? ... or do you want Psymakio and the rest of the pokemon to overcome the obstacles they face with Slash just carrying the pokeballs and somehow not dying? While the latter course is certainly tried and true by the standards of the anime, I'm not sure that's exactly a ringing endorsement.

Still loving it Slash! Cant wait for the next chapter! Hope its Soon!
Oh made this the other day, thought you would like it...

[img]http://www.pokecharms.com/trainercards/cards/1942008/9724bf94aaaf6595bb85e341779375a1.png[/img]

The rant above is not to be taken seriously people. -_-

Imasuky Lomae---Heheh.

Anonymoose---The beginning chapters aren't nearly as good, as I was still getting into the groove back then (I hadn't been writing for years when I began Sinners). I've been toying with the idea of re-writing them, or at least heavily editing them, but...I don't know. We'll see.

If you want to know more about Kiako and other characters, you (or anyone) should sign up for the Sinners Mailing List. I've already sent out an e-mail or two that have shed some light on Kiako...whether the readers know it or not. ;-)

And yeah, of course the desert won't be easy. I didn't stick a long "watch the fuck out" scene in there for nothing, heh.

I just uploaded the anniversary special; there are currently no oneshots on my schedule, and there may not be for some time. The past month has been very hectic with my writing, and I want to relax for a bit before I go back to Sinners. Oneshots will happen on a whenever-I-feel-like-it basis; the only one that I know I'll do is a Christmas special this winter.

Shadow---I've been getting kind of sloppy with review responding lately, heh. I'll need to shape up on that.

I would love to have a relationship with a Psymakio-like character, myself. I really don't have a lot of love for humans (which reflects pretty clearly in my writing), particularly with the issues of hypocrisy and corruption...to meet someone who is beyond such crap would be a blessing.

Dante Inferna---Considering that Slash is slowly becoming enhanced by the effects of the mating bond, such an event might be more dangerous than you would think.

GenoLiger---Actually, Animal That I Have Become kind of applies more to Kiako than Slash...which will become evident as more of Kiako's life story is revealed.

I may update Janus in the near future...it's a lot less stressful than Sinners work, heh.

Hsda Mk. II---I'm glad you like it. With the portrayal of humanity, it is indeed mostly negative. Humanity is pretty dark (and in my view, most dark). Slash grapples with the same problem, and, after a terrible experience that shakes the group to its core, he will find himself asking the question "should I bother saving a world that is so corrupt and cruel?" His answer will define the path that Sinners eventually takes.

There are good people---Watson, namely, and more will be coming as the story progresses---but one thing you'll notice as the story goes on is that, while many people are indeed cruel, there are no characters that are utterly, irredeemably evil. The people of Hoenn are not dark by nature, but are instead corrupted by centuries of bigotry and foolishness that was started long ago...in an event that significantly shapes the story. The question of whether or not humanity can be redeemed is one of the key themes in Sinners, and not even I know the answer to that question. Not yet.

Xain---Do not underestimate Kiako. While he may not be a god, I have a tendency to finish that statement with 'not yet' for a reason.

Satoku---MAGIC

"Xain---Do not underestimate Kiako. While he may not be a god, I have a tendency to finish that statement with 'not yet' for a reason."

And you don't seem to get that there's more to my character Steven then meets the eye. ^_^

If Kiako can take down three legendaries on his own. And not even break a sweat then i'll shut my mouth. XD

But in all seriousness if your guy isn't up to the task i'll use what's called a time relapse and slap myself while I GET OFF my fucking ass and kill Kiako for you. O_o

I MAKE NO SINCE I AM LAW! XD

And I like the....uh...Anniversey special? I think...My internets kind of fucked up so I may not beable to respond for awhile. O_o;

Bye for now Slash, and good luck on the next chapter. And you owe me 20$...>_>

Hm, interesting.
Some general questions, though;
1. Have you ever played Exalted? Because the relationship between Psymakio and Slash, especially with the description of their 'auras' in your one-shot, resembles the Solar-Lunar bond, and the previous mention of auras makes it sound like Slash is a Twilight. There's also the general 'flashbacks' with the described "Dark warrior strength held in check etc etc" which calls to Exalted's reincarnation cycle and an Exalt's tendancy to experience visions from their previous selves. Or maybe it's all a big coincidence.
2. Is Jirachi actually going to show up? Because I'd find that hilarious.