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March 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
An entertaining little story. I think that you may have waited too long to introduce Rei’s partner because it made your description a little awkward.
If this had been a story that I was proofreading, I would have sent it back to you for revision. You need to comb through the spelling and missing words and separate the characters dialogue with spaces. I have found that it can make or break it, when it comes to being taken seriously.
A good first effort, it just needs a little polish. Keep practicing and I’m looking forward to reading more lemons by your pen.
Lord Saturn (PS: I have one story on this site if you want to get even with me, lol.)
If this had been a story that I was proofreading, I would have sent it back to you for revision. You need to comb through the spelling and missing words and separate the characters dialogue with spaces. I have found that it can make or break it, when it comes to being taken seriously.
A good first effort, it just needs a little polish. Keep practicing and I’m looking forward to reading more lemons by your pen.
Lord Saturn (PS: I have one story on this site if you want to get even with me, lol.)