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October 24, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I'm gonna start with the bad news; coz there's almost none ;)
The German words in chapter three... they're kinda funny. Being Bilingual, I just have the tendency to correct it. So;
"Stoppen Sie verdammt es nicht. Stark"
translates to this;
"Stop You damn it not. Strong."
Which was worth a laugh XD so here's the way you say it;
"Hör nicht auf, verdammt! Härter!"
That is the ONLY bad thing about it! I swear! :)
The Story's premise was based on your original story (which I'm gonna read soon, when I find it...)so there's some character developememnt I've obviously missed. BUT! You got the kids' personalities down pretty well, I'd say. And of course, the sex was hot! Nice work! *Hopes for update...*
Yeah, I'll shut up now...
Yours sincerely,
Henryjamesthefifth
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October 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
man this is good, would like to see more, mabey swicth around to the other paring not mentiond, its all up to you, keep it up
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February 6, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Even considering this is your favorite pairing you should treat all pairings equal in such writing as this, yet you make your preference blatantly show by the amount of description this pairing compared others received.
If you want to be a good author you should learn to treat all characters equally, and let or favoritism be shown in authors notes but not in the writing itself. That's premature.
Other than, this is neatly done lemon, though the details specially in second and third chapters are lacking.
6/10
If you want to be a good author you should learn to treat all characters equally, and let or favoritism be shown in authors notes but not in the writing itself. That's premature.
Other than, this is neatly done lemon, though the details specially in second and third chapters are lacking.
6/10
schedule
August 10, 2008 at 12:00 AM
While I adore the premise (there aren't enough stories where people swap partners and the fun of the swinging is actually played up for what it is) I had some problems.
For example, some of the dialogue was hard to stomach. The back-and-forth about 'German engineering' was, in a word, corny. People simply don't talk that way, and if they did it would be impossible to listen to.
Second, the sex was not described deeply or passionately enough. I'm not saying 'more is better' but some words about the sights and smells and sounds in addition to the sex acts would help.
I'd love to read some more chapters with these pairings, or a further 'rotation,' or some group sex going on though. There's a grip of how writing is supposed to work here, which is rare.
For example, some of the dialogue was hard to stomach. The back-and-forth about 'German engineering' was, in a word, corny. People simply don't talk that way, and if they did it would be impossible to listen to.
Second, the sex was not described deeply or passionately enough. I'm not saying 'more is better' but some words about the sights and smells and sounds in addition to the sex acts would help.
I'd love to read some more chapters with these pairings, or a further 'rotation,' or some group sex going on though. There's a grip of how writing is supposed to work here, which is rare.
schedule
June 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Whenare we going to see another chapter?
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April 23, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I thought this was one of the worser lemons on this website. The story I don't really care for, but there's far too little of the juicy details. Frankly, I can't even call them details. Also, it's really annoying trying to read your fic when the paragraphs are spaced too far apart. It's probably a bug of AFF, but you should probably be able to fix it.
1: Turn down the pace as slow as you can. Write lots of description, details, thoughts, and feelings. Make your characters do elaborate actions, or elaborate seemingly simple sounding actions. For example, 'Hikari took Kensuke's cock in her mouth.' could be written in a more sensual way with 'Hikari took a long hard look at the throbbing erection of the excited young man in front of him. Her mouth watered from anticipation. With a tentative flick of the tongue she raked the tip of the crown, causing a stirring moan from the bespectacled boy. Etc.............'. Basically, more is better.
2: More naughty dialogue! Where's the trash talk?! Make your characters tease each other. Instead of saying something boring like 'Fuck me, dammit!', you could say something like 'AAHH, that's it, pump your thick hard telephone pole up my little hole, yes pump it harder, break my pussy, hit my womb and coat its insides with your thick hot delicious baby cum!'. Though, it doesn't have to be trash talk either. You could get all lovey dovey. Instead of saying 'I love you' you could say 'I love your hair, your eyes, your nose, your mouth, your neck, your stomach, your thighs, your feet. It feels so good to be over you as I feel your warmth enveloping me, I love it. This feels so incredible that I want to stay like this forever.'
1: Turn down the pace as slow as you can. Write lots of description, details, thoughts, and feelings. Make your characters do elaborate actions, or elaborate seemingly simple sounding actions. For example, 'Hikari took Kensuke's cock in her mouth.' could be written in a more sensual way with 'Hikari took a long hard look at the throbbing erection of the excited young man in front of him. Her mouth watered from anticipation. With a tentative flick of the tongue she raked the tip of the crown, causing a stirring moan from the bespectacled boy. Etc.............'. Basically, more is better.
2: More naughty dialogue! Where's the trash talk?! Make your characters tease each other. Instead of saying something boring like 'Fuck me, dammit!', you could say something like 'AAHH, that's it, pump your thick hard telephone pole up my little hole, yes pump it harder, break my pussy, hit my womb and coat its insides with your thick hot delicious baby cum!'. Though, it doesn't have to be trash talk either. You could get all lovey dovey. Instead of saying 'I love you' you could say 'I love your hair, your eyes, your nose, your mouth, your neck, your stomach, your thighs, your feet. It feels so good to be over you as I feel your warmth enveloping me, I love it. This feels so incredible that I want to stay like this forever.'
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March 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
When the girls told the boys their plan, I literally had a smile on my face and clapped.
Since their based off of 'A glass of Wine' I consider these characters more like original characters then canon so that helps get into this story.
So far it's looking good and I'm looking forward to what's to come.
You'll see my verdict soon.
Read ya Later.
88Chevy
Since their based off of 'A glass of Wine' I consider these characters more like original characters then canon so that helps get into this story.
So far it's looking good and I'm looking forward to what's to come.
You'll see my verdict soon.
Read ya Later.
88Chevy
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March 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
So far you did a good job with the switch up between Hikari and Kensuke.
Kensuke's concerns as well as his actions were well done.
I'll admit that it wasn't anything spectacular but that's hard to do now anyways.
Besides, it was still enjoyable.
Next.
Read ya Later.
99Chevy
Kensuke's concerns as well as his actions were well done.
I'll admit that it wasn't anything spectacular but that's hard to do now anyways.
Besides, it was still enjoyable.
Next.
Read ya Later.
99Chevy
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March 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I knew from the beginning that Asuka and Touji would play rough together. I agree that this is harder to write when it's not your style but you did a good job.
While there isn't much plot in these chapters, there is still an essence of one, so it doesn't seem like mindless fucking.
And now, onto the finale.
Read ya Later.
88/99Chevy
While there isn't much plot in these chapters, there is still an essence of one, so it doesn't seem like mindless fucking.
And now, onto the finale.
Read ya Later.
88/99Chevy
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March 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Very nice. I too like the Shinji x Rei pairing the most but I'm also open to others as well like you. That's why I've liked these.
This was another good one. I was a little surprised by Shinji's admittance to loving Rei as much as Asuka but it was understandable.
This story could still go places but it's limited. Shinji x Hikari = hell yeah but the other two pairings, not so much. So it might not work. Though a small epilogue with the couples all together would be nice...then they could all go to their separate rooms and be with their true mates.
It may of not had much of a plot but it wasn't just smut in the end. There was meaning before, during, and after the deeds.
Overall, you and your betas did great work.
Until the next one Lord Saturn.
Read ya Later.
88/99Chevy
This was another good one. I was a little surprised by Shinji's admittance to loving Rei as much as Asuka but it was understandable.
This story could still go places but it's limited. Shinji x Hikari = hell yeah but the other two pairings, not so much. So it might not work. Though a small epilogue with the couples all together would be nice...then they could all go to their separate rooms and be with their true mates.
It may of not had much of a plot but it wasn't just smut in the end. There was meaning before, during, and after the deeds.
Overall, you and your betas did great work.
Until the next one Lord Saturn.
Read ya Later.
88/99Chevy