schedule
January 16, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Alright. I enjoyed the plot forming in this first chapter. Your character, although a bit heavy handed (which he has every reason to be), is believable given his past.
Now, don't take this personally, but I feel that you would do quite well if you found a Beta. There are several punctuation, spelling and grammar mistakes throughout your story. I know that when you read your own work your mind corrects these mistakes because you know what you were trying to say. You need a fresh set of eyes to catch the small mistakes that make a simple sentence almost unreadable.
One thing, however is your use of ellipses. These are the ... that you put in supposedly to denote when a sentence or speech ends dramatically or if their cut off. The correct use of these is to signal a missing word or words. For example, if your character is listening to a radio transmission and it cuts out every few words, then you would use the ellipse. Also, the correct way to use it would be . . . , and if it ended a sentence . . . .
A Beta would be able to explain these things better than I could. Don't let this discourage you, you have a good story on your hands. You just need to refine it and will will shine.
Now, don't take this personally, but I feel that you would do quite well if you found a Beta. There are several punctuation, spelling and grammar mistakes throughout your story. I know that when you read your own work your mind corrects these mistakes because you know what you were trying to say. You need a fresh set of eyes to catch the small mistakes that make a simple sentence almost unreadable.
One thing, however is your use of ellipses. These are the ... that you put in supposedly to denote when a sentence or speech ends dramatically or if their cut off. The correct use of these is to signal a missing word or words. For example, if your character is listening to a radio transmission and it cuts out every few words, then you would use the ellipse. Also, the correct way to use it would be . . . , and if it ended a sentence . . . .
A Beta would be able to explain these things better than I could. Don't let this discourage you, you have a good story on your hands. You just need to refine it and will will shine.
schedule
July 8, 2008 at 12:00 AM
This was definately a nice read. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Also, love the TWEWY references toward the end. Great game.
Also, love the TWEWY references toward the end. Great game.
schedule
July 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I'm glad you started over.
This was a big improvement from your last version. Well written, and I enjoyed the added scene between Rio and the grunt. I can't wait for the next chapter. :]
This was a big improvement from your last version. Well written, and I enjoyed the added scene between Rio and the grunt. I can't wait for the next chapter. :]