schedule
October 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow, I love twisted stuff! Good work!
I found it disappointing that Daisuke didn't have a larger role in the story. I always associate with him most in this series.
Yeah there were a few grammar mistakes, a quotation mark was spaced on the wrong side earlier on in the story, a few things like that. You seem to have a problem similar to mine in the sense that you use the word "suddenly" a bit much. I have to constantly be watching myself and going over my writing making sure I'm not saying suddenly this happened and then suddenly... yeah. It's like you're trying to push that feeling of surprise and there just aren't many words that come to mind that express it better than "suddenly". At least that's how I feel...
Your general writing style is very good though! I can see where you mean you want to polish things up a bit, but that comes with continual practice.
Overall you have a well made, very dark and twisted but still well done, lemon here! I hope you do decide to continue your writing!
I found it disappointing that Daisuke didn't have a larger role in the story. I always associate with him most in this series.
Yeah there were a few grammar mistakes, a quotation mark was spaced on the wrong side earlier on in the story, a few things like that. You seem to have a problem similar to mine in the sense that you use the word "suddenly" a bit much. I have to constantly be watching myself and going over my writing making sure I'm not saying suddenly this happened and then suddenly... yeah. It's like you're trying to push that feeling of surprise and there just aren't many words that come to mind that express it better than "suddenly". At least that's how I feel...
Your general writing style is very good though! I can see where you mean you want to polish things up a bit, but that comes with continual practice.
Overall you have a well made, very dark and twisted but still well done, lemon here! I hope you do decide to continue your writing!