rate_review Reviews

Not a bad story, but the storytelling seemed awkward and out of place. In many places, it felt like it was forced and didn't flow well. I gave you four stars because I feel that, with more experience, you'll improve. Everyone does. ;) So don't let me down!

I'm still impressed! The transitions were well done between the characters, and what plot did advance was well described. I only caught a handful of small mistakes (desert not dessert, I don't think pokemon live in our icecream), but overall everything was top notch. I know you've got it in you to make this a hell of a story. If you haven't already, I'd recommend you read Sinners by Slash Firestorm. Reading his work might provide you with a little extra inspiration or some new plot devices.

Otherwise I feel I must repeat my opening statement: I'm still impressed!
Keep this up please!

There's still a grammatical issue with your work. Rereading through the chapter will help you easily identify and fix these small errors.

Still. A good chapter. I'm kinda wondering, and pretty sure that the rich parents are up to something at this point.
I mean, if they're that thick and full of douche-baggery, what's to stop them from getting their daughter back, right?

First off: congratulations on starting your first fic. I know I really have little right to comment or critique seen as how i've taken close to a year hiatus, but I still enjoy seeing whats new on here. I must say I was caught off guard by your story. It has great potential and an excellent base to build off of. A little more in the way of detail would help to slow down your pace, as you seem to jump about a little between events. A little here and there and you'd have one hell-of-a smooth flow going.

While I wasn't truly distracted from what you had written, there were a few spelling and grammatical mistakes that I picked up on. A quick spell check, and maybe a proofreader would do wonders for that. I also want to mention that your use of first person, while currently well done, should be monitered. Once you start in first person, you should stick with it. Its hard to describe exactly why, but I find it takes away fromt he over all experiance.

Over all I'd say that you can go far with this story, and that you hit the nail on the head in terms of overall qualtiy, so keep on keeping on. If you want someone to check over your works before publication, I'd be more than happy to assist.

I agree with ragdoll, this could do with a good proofread. I do some private beta work if you're interested, this could probably benefit from another set of eyes.

This looks like it could be quite interesting. Certainly a good start.

You could do with a bit of proof reading, though - there are a lot of avoidable grammatical errors.